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find a better me!

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Originally typed way back in Feb 2007.  Jeez, over 8yrs ago.  I had changed this blog name to Twists & Turns recently but it should be called Just Jacq.  That’s who I always wanted to be.  That’s who I  became.  I’m happy with my life.  I did rejoin the adult world & it’s a beautiful place.  I spend my days with some beautiful souls.  I spend my nights mostly alone but I’m okay with that.  My past gave me some wonderful memories.  I also got some shit one’s but without the crap who would appreciate the good.   I am Just Jacq & I am free.  I made it.  I became all that I ever wanted to be.  I thank the comers, the goers & the stayers for allowing me to stay as wacky & mad as I am.
“Nothing that was ever worthy in the past truly departs from us”.  That could be a sad statement but dig deeper and its not.  Maybe instead of looking back with eyes wide open we should close them tight, leap, see where it takes us.  In my head, I’m free, in my head I am Just Jacq, for all I hate the name, Just Jacq is maybe who I would leap and be, if I could.
Except I cant can I?  I was talking to a woman called Betty today, shes 76yrs old, I got this sitting outside my Sat shop, though I was there a while lol.  She was a lovely old woman.  I feel sad for women like that, who sit and start chatting, I hate being rude and leaving, God I may get that lonely one day.  She was talking about her daughter, how she drives a merc, she asked about my kids and I got the typical, goodness how do you manage and some are blessed with the parent gene for one, some for many?  A beautiful lady who reminded my that I am lucky to have so many.
Having young children is frustrating, I want to rejoin the adult world and start spinning my world again.  I hold my sons hand as hes falling asleep and think its the very best of places to be, except its not.  He doesnt need to hold my hand – maybe its me who needs my hand held lol.
I’m doing that big sigh thing again, maybe I just need to realise, if I want, I can find another me, I’m a bit fed-up of who I have become, might get my hair cut, start again.  Who knows, if I find another me I may just get lucky and find another you!  After all, if its worth it – it never leaves, not forever.  Those wasted dreams that may roll off the eyes may just come back, imagine that.  Don’t strain the brain to work this one out, if your heads a shed, fucked to the point you cant see anything, try being your own hero, don’t stand still waiting for someone or something, be your own saviour.
jacqui
Music was cabin crew, waiting for a star to fall(club mix) , DJ Chukie, carribean drums, you got to get it; Love me love my drums or at least try,