positive energy has returned

Im not liking weekends right now.  My big sister is taking great delight in keeping in contact with someone who has left the building of my life.  It puts them back into my head, when someone calls time on a relationship, its time.  I’m not much of a pontificator, when its over for one, its over for all concerned.  Why my sister feels the need to keep contact I will never know, but she does and its bugging the hell out of me.  I have asked her to stop but she wont.  For me to text him, I wont do that either.  I have to big sigh it out and let them be.  If they want to be friends its weird but not my business I guess.
 
I just have to focus my positive energy and not let it get to me.  It doesnt take so long anymore to put him to the back of my head.  My week travels well, just my weekends that dont have a flow to them anymore.  Life is full of those strange twists and turns, one person uses the out card, others are waving it in front of me, Im actually to numb to take it off them, i want to but the numb is still with me, perhaps I just need to thaw out.
 
I will not go back to asking why, thats not a question I need anymore answers too.  So why does my head still own that thought.  When will I settle to when its over, its over.  Soon, I am boring myself with it now.  But why do they do that, why would you hurt someone your supposed to have loved?  Ah maybe I have been touched by the bullshit, twat syndrone…
 
 
jacqui
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DECENCY LEADS TO DECISIONS

There is a huge diversity in people types.  Of course there is black and white, but grey exists in people.  I was always a white person, valued my honesty and wouldn’t shift, except I did, went to grey, returned to white.  If your doing a job, that earns you a decent enough wage but is unforfilling, doesnt rock your being, your in grey at best black at worst.  Same with your relationships.  How many question our relationships with our partners.  I think if more of us could test the water of being alone, not many of us would like it.  The never ending search for love seems to come and go, like a rollercoaster, we feel it, it leaves, we struggle.  The honest, decent amongst us wont tolerate that forever, we will fight with the voice inside our head, till we have to let the honesty out, let the other person know.  What choice is there?  Dishonesty, playing a game, pretending happy?  Who would pick those things, a black person, someone I would not like to know, a black one, the trouble for black people;  they are searching, not for themselves but for validation, they have low self esteem so begin searching for a substitute when the shine leaves there partner.  They Candy dream, maybe even have affairs, what they see as dissatisfaction with there partners, nah its themselves they dont like, there partners are secondary.  They would be, feel better without them,  they would be, feel, better with someone else, its there partners fault.  Reality touchdown, our happiness starts and ends within ourselves.  Is it possible to live or have a relationship with someone who doesnt forfill us, can we work around them, yes, if we want too.  Life as is can be such a mixed up, fucked up, over analysed or manipulated thing.
 
So, if a partner or lover, makes a decision, that doesnt seem fathomable, step back and consider it.  Is it for honest reasons or dishonest.  Is someone actually prepared to stand up and say, actually, your not what I want, need.  You dont enrich my life, my being.  Thats honesty.  If a partner or lover, if they were to say, actually, I’m not quite sure your right for me, i may just keep you a while longer, tick it out, do a bit of settling, what does that say, about both partners.  The first, they are cowardly, lacking self belief and if it goes on for any period of time, listen, they’re not for moving out or on.  They’re playing a mind game, with themselves.  The second, dont believe they are happy in ignorance, the second is even more afraid than the first.  Settled with an unhappy status quo and cant figure out what to do, hense, the second will usually be male, or perhaps not.  Studies have shown that decisions to break up should take a month max for every year a relationship has been, that could be a lot of months.  But, that is the max allowed.  Thats quite funny.  So, if after years of searching, the answer aint screaming, the answer, its not what you think you want.  The easiest person to be dishonest with?? Yourself, think about it.  Many of us have lost our courage, we need to find it to be true to ourselves and cut thru the crap.  It never clears, the clouding within some of us.  Some of us are afraid to be alone, you know what being alone isn’t quite right, your always alone with YOU.  How can that ever be alone.  Instead of lacking direction, maybe we need to keep it real, maybe what and who we fight against is, in our own truth, right for us.  I know someone who once said to me, "maybe i like being miserable".  Maybe that is true, maybe misery is the preferred choice for some of us, how strange, it was an idiot who realised it first.  As with every entry you can agree or disagree, I only blog my own personal opinion, you got a different one? share it.
 
 
jacqui