affinity is sanity

Strange title but its been swimming in my mental head all day.  For any contacts who got journal entries, please ignore.  My youngest son at 3 thinks he can work a pc.  I have obviously underestimated my child, he started sending entries to some of my contacts.  Fortunately the entries he sent were personal and didn’t contain any info about anyone other than me, I think.  My journal is a very private part of me.  They are written for me, its my catalogue of life.  What I think or feel I write, I know I cant go back in time to a feeling so writing it makes it last a bit longer, even the sore ones.  I do look over them, the ones I keep online are the most recent, spreading over almost 3 years of life.  The happy is a good base line for me.  The sad makes me realise, happy is never long lasting.
Someone asked me a question that I couldnt answer today, who can answer a question from the past perspective with the knowledge of today?.  I hate hindsight, its not helpful and its a smart arse of a thing, .  I would hate to know the outcome of every experience, where would the fun be?  Starting on a new path, road, journey or experience we have hope.  Imagine knowing that failure awaited us, that despite all of our good intentions, we were going to fail, who would ever try anything?  Without the hope of success who would ever strive to achieve, the smallest of baby steps would be like gaint leaps.
I have a contact called hmmm E.  She is a positive spirit.  The shit she has endured recently is astounding.  She makes me smile, shes hurting but you know what, she has a positive, get on with it attitude that I greatly admire, I wish I was like that but my happy dust is not in a sprinkle mood right now.  I’m hanging on, I know what I want to achieve, will I, who knows but I have faith that someday I will and I keep going with the shit mundane and when I do get it, if I get it, I wont waste it, riddle talk I know.
If your reading this your very blessed lol..
I have closed blog off to the world, just for a short while.  A few people who I would rather not have contact to my blog where looking.  Rather than have unwanted eyes on my blog I have shut it down to a dozen or so contacts and i am sorry but I wont have my blog ued for tittle tattle amongst people who know me, no way will I be the subject of gossip by people who are so called friends.  Maybe thats my fault for putting personal stuff up but this is my blog, I should be free to write whatever I want.  How could I do that with people who are friends reading about stuff they had no idea about.
>>/  How come, I never quite manage to feel comfortable alone at night.  Jamie has a cool habit of locking up at night but I feel uncomfortable.  My boys still come into my bed and I have started not to notice again but theres a silence that cant be broken at night.  Funny how being the only grown-up here makes me feel vunerable, at my bloody age you think I would cope lol. I keep playing my music, it fills my ears but nothing else, weird.  I hate night.  I would never admit that to anyone in the real world but me alone isn’t nice, doesnt fit my shoes but I’m sure time will ease that feeling. Think I need to play Wilson Phillips on repeat and do the hold on.  Someone said I looked miserable today.  I thought my face looked as happy as always, even if I wasn’t feeling it.  Fuck, a guy I used to see every Sunday at mass thinks I look miserable, though John is a miserable fucker so he cant talk.  Oops, time to go to bed, I’m doing that talk and type it at same time, fucky, I haven’t done that forever.  Thats a habit I had, I had forgotten that.  Used to do that when I drank.  Maybe I should start drinking again, just dont have the enthusiasm for it anymore.  Its been forever since I had a night off from parenting and despite saying, I will get one soon, I never manage it.  Its not easy getting 6 kids to bed every night.  Sometimes, by the time the boys are asleep I want to crawl into my own bed but cant.  Even with the 3 boys in the same room it tough, thank god my girls go to bed on there own.
I’m feeling sorry for myself tonight, what the fuck happened to my life.  I’m 42yrs old.  I should be who I want to be, I should have everything I want to have. I should be sharing my life with someone who knows how to give a smile.  Right now my kids are the only thing that I’m proud of, I haven’t achieved much with my life.  I could sit it here, think of every bad decision I made but no point to that.  I’m realising, if my life was over I would look back and think well, what a fuckin waste of time that was eh? Children are an extension of parents but thats it,- they shouldn’t be the entire book of life, where the fuck did Jacqui’s independent life go, where did my true friends go.  The people in my life, with a handul of exceptions have agendas with me.  Im too fuckin tired for the crap of it all.  I was looking for shoes for the kids today, the price of shoes, who knew??  I dont like worrying about money, it doesnt suit me.  Those swings and roundabouts, stop the fuckin bus, I need to ge off. Right about now I would usually put a okay tomorrow is another day, it might be full of hope and promise.  I dont feel like being positive.  Just for this moment, my life is pretty much pants, not the Mum of me but Jacqui, she got dropped off somewhere and I dont know how the fuck to get her back.  Shes alone with no smile.

fear & tears

Sitting in a breast clinic is a very sobering thing.  The fear is silent, as are we who sit there.  No one goes to the clinic for a routine appointment.  We all sit, silently lost in our own thoughts.  We all know why we’re there and strangley its ignored.  Ignoring the fear for me  makes it worse.  Dont do fear well, I prefer the philosophical approach, what will be will come out in the wash, if the colour runs, thats the time to worry.  I wonder how many were like me, praying that the consultant would say, a mammogram and I will have a look.
Another week of waiting aaahh.  Those who know will be aware that a late period was one of the reasons for the weeks delay.  Guess when it started, yeh, last night;  couldn’t you just figure that, not the bloody night before, no, that would have been to easy.  I’m undecided whether to stop using weights or not.  Weight lifting is a great thing, the definition in muscle tone is easy to achieve but  it makes the breast thing look worse, maybe I should give it a break for a while, I’m not sure????
I’m doing obsessive with my tits, the way I used to with Noddy.  I’m not very good at letting go am I lol….
Mr Noddy has left my life but not my head, then after 20yrs I went looking for him, maybe I’ expecting to much just to put him down?  Is it possible just to leave him in my head, let him tick silently and never think of picking the thought up??  I would never make it as a liar, I did do well for a while but lying to myself aint my thing.  I cant figure Ian out so why try.  Hes not the return type, so hes gone.
I got to just be as grown up as I can be lol… I wont allow  this blog to become a place full of doom and gloom.  I have a bloody good life.  I have 7 children to concentrate my energy, time and love on.  I dont really need anything or anyone else to give that smile.  I use the sky when required.  I have, for as long as I can remember, when I have been backed into a corner, gone out, looked up and wondered.  Sometimes it helps, sometmes it doesnt.  For me the sky is my baseline.  I think its groovy, if you look at the sky, right now, its exactly the  same as mine!!! 
The sea some use for that.  The sea is a strange one.  When my daughter Jessica died, all I wanted was to go, stand on the shore and sob my heart out.  I did that the day after her funeral.  I said my silent prayer of thanks that she was mine, just for a breath of time.  The sea is where I go to give my thanks, the poem footprints is etched on my mind.  When I stand on sand, when I walk alone I need to think that the footprints are Gods.  I did that on Sunday, did my alone walk on the sand, me & my fear alone.  I did feel alone.  I know I could talk to my priest Harry but hes too close.  His attitude would be, that God hasn’t forsaken you, your walking away from him lol.  I dreamt about Fthr Harry last night.  I had went to mass, I turned away from the altar and he was standing looking at me, I waved and he just stood , as if to say, who are you, I thought he was going to come over, ask where I had been but no, he walked away, weird.  I  should never have taken Ian to my church, its spoilt for me, when I go in I can remember him being there.  This year has been crap so far, God, I blame maybe a bit too much.  I am a believer in we are creators of our own destiny. If I go with that thought, its not God’s will at work.  It far worse then that, its my own.   I need to be careful what I wish for, it aways comes true. I tell my kids that. Think the bad stuff, what will we get????
Joy & light
I decided to use my free time this morning to try and move from fear to peace, new age blah blah that I have faith in lol..
As is typical of jacqui, I decided to move and went to steps of self forgiveness.  Fucky fucky, check the stuff online out, pages of crap.  Why does everything begin & end with that inner child shit.  I dont remember my childhood much.  Stroke damage wiped out my memories so I certainly dont recall anything that needs healed lol.  There is stuff in my recent past that I’m not proud I did.  I dont do regret so I just do shame which is just as toxic & damaging.  I would never set out to hurt another being so I sit silently with the knowledge of what I did.  My price for silence is guilt big, big guilt.  I wouldn’t change it though its just not very nice on a day to day level.  I know I betrayed someone who trusts me, thats something that makes me feel very small.  In searching out self forgiveness I didnt come accross anything that I dont already know.  My problem is and always has been taking that step away from my guilt and healing my deal.  Im beginning to think I do actually like my self enduced pain.  Fuck, am I becoming one of those  people i detest.  Have I built my cross and ready to step up, become a martyr??  Drown in my own self pity?? O fuck, is my light bulb on or what??
Okay, just for today, this moment here it is:-
f someone hurt me, knowing I would be devastated I forgive them, let them go, have there blah blah life, not my concern.  They are free to go, no expectation from me, no demands, nothing left actually.  Every method of contact has been deleted and both they and I are free;  Am I better & healed??  Not quite..
If I hurt myself, if I took the wrong road, if I allowed someone to lie to me and I absorbed it, if I put my faith in situations or people with expectations for myself I am sorry but I do forgive me.  I let go, I give up.  I am reclaiming Jacqui, just for herself, without demands, without a tantrum to be seen.  I need to find my own light & peace.  I know its within me, I just got to look at my cracks to see it shining threw..
You know, now and again I am blessed by my beautiful contacts in this virtual world.  I have at least 3 contacts who I would describe as pretty beings.  People who have goodness in there souls and it radiates lights to all who are lucky to know them, including me.  Yesterday all three of them were online, asking how I was, on messenger or by email.  I’m always blown away by peoples eagerness to stretch out that hand.  Even more, when I know they are having hard times themselves in life.  So, my contacts, you take it easy but more importantly, take care of you, just for today, remember how special you really are believe me, I know..

taking a break

What a year its been.  Coming into this year I had such high hopes ha.  Reality has a way of turning around and moving the energy to destruction and wham, life spiralls into tits up mode.  If I didnt have acrylic nails i would have fallen off the edge more than once.  I’m sitting here alone wondering what the fuck have I done.  Someone once called me pretty, they didnt mean pretty in looks but pretty in spirit.  I remember thinking what a groovy thing, now, I’m not so sure its enough.  I never shit on anyone, no matter how much I want to and yet, I’m sitting here thinking why the fuck??  So, I’m taking a breather from pc.  I will update on blog so I can keep in touch lol..
I dont have a clue, sometimes when I feel this small bit of the world is closing in on me, I feel like saying ok, I give in but give in too what??  That makes me smile, my music is Whitesnake – When I see you smile.  When downloading a playlist my MP3 took a different one from the one I meant too, weird but go with me lol…  In my last post I mentioned giving my music and the music I have ended up downloading is completely that, music I shared with a twat.  My mood has completely changed, I’m sad, maybe its a playlist from a sad time, cant remember but its not the uplifting stuff I thought I was gonna get.
Sorry, Im rambling, ticking time, wanting to talk to the one person I cant talk too, dont worry.  By tomorrow I will have gotten a grip, had a word with myself.  Just for tonight tho, I’m being self indulgent and saying I miss Ian, not that he would have helped but I can pretend.  Fear is such a horrible thing and I hate myself for allowing it in.  So, for the next 5 minutes, I’m gonna sit here, cry as hard as I want and then I’m going to go to bed, toss and turn and hope tomorrow holds all that i could wish for…
love & light

appointment date arrived

Its funny, sitting waiting on an appointment that could potentially devastate the future.  It has sat at the back of my mind and suddenly, the brown envelope hits the floor and its here.
Next wednesday is my Dads birthday.  The 27th of June, always has been a special day and now, I’m  going to have a mammogram on it.  When I tell my dad he will say, its good Karma, a really good sign.  Right now, my sons are screaming and jumping about.  All I want to do is cry, quickly followed by be sick.. 
That cute saying of whats for us wont go by us springs to mind right now.  The sun is shining, its a beautiful day and my kids are having a blast.  In the bigger sky, my world is okay..

my awakenings final time



my awakenings final time




A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop in your tracks & somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!!!  You blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at your world with new eyes.  This is your time, your awakening..
You realise that its time to stop hoping & waiting for something to change or for some happiness to come galloping over the next horizon.  You come to realise that there is no guarantee of "happily ever after", that begins with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love you or appreciate who or what you are…and thats ok.  (they are entitled to there own views and opinions).  You learn a sense of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born within you.  You can stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did just for you (or didn’t do) and you come to realise the only thing you can count on is the unexpected.  You learn that people dont always say what they mean or mean what they say.  That no, not everyone will be there for you and its not always about you.  You learn that you can stand out on your own and that to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born from within you.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook there human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born from forgiveness.  You re- examine the way you view yourself, and the world around you, you realise its as a result of all the messages and opinions ingrained in your psyche.  You begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about who you are, who you should be, how you should look, how much you should weigh and where you should live and who you should be living with.  With whom and how many children you should have and how important the job of raising them is.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.  And you begin reassessing and redefining who and what you are, what you really stand for.  You do learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to lose the doctrines and the values you have outgrown, or should never have bought into in the first place.  And so you learn to go with your instincts.  You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.  And there is great power in creating and contributing and you stop being manipulated through life.
You learn that no, you dont know everything dude, its not your job to save the world and that you cant teach every person everything.  You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting personal boundries.  You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake!!
Then you learn about love.  Romantic and familial love, very different, both necessary.  How to love, how much of yourself to give in love and when to walk away.  You learn not to project your needs or your feelings(?) onto a relationship, having someone love you doesn’t make you more beautiful, more intelligent or more loveable, you realise your still just you, your already all of those things, i know, I know you.
You learn to look at all relationships as they really are and not as you would wish or have them be.  You stop judging people, situations and outcomes, including yourself.  You learn that just as people grow and change so it has to be with love…  that you dont have the devine right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy, none of us do.
We learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly ok.. that it is your right to want things and yes sometimes it is necessary to make demands of others.  You come to the realisation that you do deserve to be treated with love, kindeness and respect and you will not settle for anything less.  In this process you internalize the meaning of self respect.
You learn that anything worth achieving, anything worth having is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is  just different.  It takes hard work towards making it happen before it does.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you do need direction, discipline and perseverance.  You also learn that no one can do it alone and that its ok to risk asking for help.  You learn that all you must truly fear is indeed FEAR itself.  You learn to be brave, step right into the heart of it because you know whatever happens YOU CAN HANDLE IT.  To give into your fears is to give away your power, that you have built on your terms.
And you do fight for your life and not squander it living under a big black cloud of impending doom.  You learn life isn’t always fair, you dont always get what we think we deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to good people.  On these occasions you learn not to personalise things.  You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers if you have faith.  Its just life happening.  And you learn to deal with it in its true state – your own ego.  You learn that true negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentement must be understood, must be redirected otherwise it will suffocate the life from you.  You learn to admit when your wrong.  Turn back and begin to build bridges of peace not walls of despair.You learn to be thankful and to take comfort from the people who love you, thousands have children in graves to visit, more children doesnt fill that void, I know.  You, you have yours to hold, many are empty, be thankful.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself  by yourself and make yourself that promise, never to betray yourself, those who love you, and to never ever settle for less than your heart desires.  And you hang a wind chime outside your window, just to listen to the wind, you splash in puddles, just to get wet,  And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting others and to stay open to every wonderful possibility thats yet to visit or revisit you.
WOW, And finally, with a big sigh and with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, you take a huge gulp and finally, you begin to design the life you want to have as best as you can, in baby steps my dudes, just baby steps….
Just for you, just for right now, this is your gift..
from me
** Awakenings was written originally for Noddy, when he needed a help.  I believe from time to time, we all need a help, a little guiding light.  Those who are blessed to have light, candle for a guide, they  are lucky.  I’m not sure if I have that, but maybe me being a big strong cookie, maybe I dont need one.  Realisations I do well obviously lol.  I have just read awakenings again, even I lose my way with the ethos, I do still believe it tho as much today as ever.  There is irony within it from the point of view of Noddy.  Whatever life holds for Noddy, I hope hes found that smile I never quite managed to gift him.  I’m taking a breath from blogging, returning to personal in Journal but will return, sometime between now and never.   I hope you all have a light source when you need one, you know where I am if you need a friend, you lot type away..

preoccupied with life

why is it when your mind is full of crap, life cant take a chill to itself and leave you alone??  H needs another new starter montor for his car, so, get one!!  This child cant find blah, this one said blah, if this was a TV show I would be laughing at the totally stupidity or asleep from boredom, cant quite figure which yet, but I will.
Went to bed last night, fell asleep and didn’t waken up until this morning, a whole night asleep, thats so weird, I never do that.  My brain had enough yesterday.  Jeez, I even watched TV to try and distract myself, all the channels I could watch and I end up in front of Big Brother, what a load of crap, kids fighting over hair straighteners, I would offer mine, but I need them lol…
I know this is a blah entry, sorry, cant get my head into writing but didnt want to not ha.  I have done my worry but figure, whats the point.  I have no idea if anything is wrong , I can think of all different outcomes, but I dont know, this is just a long morning.  I had to lie to my Dad about why I wouldnt be in this morning, I hate doin that.  He said okay and I wanted to say, actually dad its not, I’m a typical daughter, whenever I have a problem dad is where I hit, just not this time.  Dad and body matters dont mix.
Why is it my house is clean this morning, the one day I want to be doing something, theres nothing to do.  Well, nothing I can be bothered doing is nearer the mark.  I could watch power rangers with my boys, but think I will just chain smoke an hour away. I’m sitting looking out my window, a painter is accross the road at  5 blocks of flats painting.  Hes only doing the entrance doors but its taken him a day a flat, can you believe that.  I know painters like to take pride in there work but that guy is taking the piss out his employer, just thought I’d throw that in not that its relevant.
When I know I will update I promise.

breast self examination

For a woman who has a bra size of 36G I’m not big on breasts.  Despite having breast absesses for 10 years never really look at them lol.  how I wish I hadn’t looked last night  I noticed what I can only describe as cellulite??  I did a double take and thought yeh somethings not quite right.  Had another look this morning and still, yeh not quite right, its not a big area but its something, its a cross between puckering of the skin and I dont know, depends on angle, its just not right.  So have made app  for my doctor on Friday morning and I’m totally bricking it lol. 
The internet is a wonderful thing  It can be as scary as hell.  Every symptom can be loaded into those search engines and wow what a lot I got back!!  Im not sure what it could be, apart from that scary thing.  Its not on the other side, actually my other breast looks a lot smaller or has it always been that way?  I had my period up until yesterday, is that a reason, I’m getting older, is that a reason.
This morning I have already had someone telling me not to worry.  Hello, thats why I dont check them, I dont want to know which is a selfish attitude I know.  I just hope its one of those things,I keep texting it just doesn look right and I have looked in 3 different mirrors, yuk I know.  Just thought I would share where my head is at this morning.  How quickly our priorities change when we think something is wrong with us.  I dont like worrying about myself, its no something I do easily but this, this seems weird.