affinity is sanity

Strange title but its been swimming in my mental head all day.  For any contacts who got journal entries, please ignore.  My youngest son at 3 thinks he can work a pc.  I have obviously underestimated my child, he started sending entries to some of my contacts.  Fortunately the entries he sent were personal and didn’t contain any info about anyone other than me, I think.  My journal is a very private part of me.  They are written for me, its my catalogue of life.  What I think or feel I write, I know I cant go back in time to a feeling so writing it makes it last a bit longer, even the sore ones.  I do look over them, the ones I keep online are the most recent, spreading over almost 3 years of life.  The happy is a good base line for me.  The sad makes me realise, happy is never long lasting.
Someone asked me a question that I couldnt answer today, who can answer a question from the past perspective with the knowledge of today?.  I hate hindsight, its not helpful and its a smart arse of a thing, .  I would hate to know the outcome of every experience, where would the fun be?  Starting on a new path, road, journey or experience we have hope.  Imagine knowing that failure awaited us, that despite all of our good intentions, we were going to fail, who would ever try anything?  Without the hope of success who would ever strive to achieve, the smallest of baby steps would be like gaint leaps.
I have a contact called hmmm E.  She is a positive spirit.  The shit she has endured recently is astounding.  She makes me smile, shes hurting but you know what, she has a positive, get on with it attitude that I greatly admire, I wish I was like that but my happy dust is not in a sprinkle mood right now.  I’m hanging on, I know what I want to achieve, will I, who knows but I have faith that someday I will and I keep going with the shit mundane and when I do get it, if I get it, I wont waste it, riddle talk I know.
If your reading this your very blessed lol..
I have closed blog off to the world, just for a short while.  A few people who I would rather not have contact to my blog where looking.  Rather than have unwanted eyes on my blog I have shut it down to a dozen or so contacts and i am sorry but I wont have my blog ued for tittle tattle amongst people who know me, no way will I be the subject of gossip by people who are so called friends.  Maybe thats my fault for putting personal stuff up but this is my blog, I should be free to write whatever I want.  How could I do that with people who are friends reading about stuff they had no idea about.
>>/  How come, I never quite manage to feel comfortable alone at night.  Jamie has a cool habit of locking up at night but I feel uncomfortable.  My boys still come into my bed and I have started not to notice again but theres a silence that cant be broken at night.  Funny how being the only grown-up here makes me feel vunerable, at my bloody age you think I would cope lol. I keep playing my music, it fills my ears but nothing else, weird.  I hate night.  I would never admit that to anyone in the real world but me alone isn’t nice, doesnt fit my shoes but I’m sure time will ease that feeling. Think I need to play Wilson Phillips on repeat and do the hold on.  Someone said I looked miserable today.  I thought my face looked as happy as always, even if I wasn’t feeling it.  Fuck, a guy I used to see every Sunday at mass thinks I look miserable, though John is a miserable fucker so he cant talk.  Oops, time to go to bed, I’m doing that talk and type it at same time, fucky, I haven’t done that forever.  Thats a habit I had, I had forgotten that.  Used to do that when I drank.  Maybe I should start drinking again, just dont have the enthusiasm for it anymore.  Its been forever since I had a night off from parenting and despite saying, I will get one soon, I never manage it.  Its not easy getting 6 kids to bed every night.  Sometimes, by the time the boys are asleep I want to crawl into my own bed but cant.  Even with the 3 boys in the same room it tough, thank god my girls go to bed on there own.
I’m feeling sorry for myself tonight, what the fuck happened to my life.  I’m 42yrs old.  I should be who I want to be, I should have everything I want to have. I should be sharing my life with someone who knows how to give a smile.  Right now my kids are the only thing that I’m proud of, I haven’t achieved much with my life.  I could sit it here, think of every bad decision I made but no point to that.  I’m realising, if my life was over I would look back and think well, what a fuckin waste of time that was eh? Children are an extension of parents but thats it,- they shouldn’t be the entire book of life, where the fuck did Jacqui’s independent life go, where did my true friends go.  The people in my life, with a handul of exceptions have agendas with me.  Im too fuckin tired for the crap of it all.  I was looking for shoes for the kids today, the price of shoes, who knew??  I dont like worrying about money, it doesnt suit me.  Those swings and roundabouts, stop the fuckin bus, I need to ge off. Right about now I would usually put a okay tomorrow is another day, it might be full of hope and promise.  I dont feel like being positive.  Just for this moment, my life is pretty much pants, not the Mum of me but Jacqui, she got dropped off somewhere and I dont know how the fuck to get her back.  Shes alone with no smile.