awful day is nearly over

Anyone got room for a few extra kids.  Mine seem intent on totally pissing me off.  Ground them and they run out, no shoes with pj’s on.  Honestly, they would drive me to drink if I had any worth having lol…
 
Been a totally crap day, on the positive, has to be one, I did get all my washing and ironing done – o fuck how borin is that??  When I get satisfaction from completing a crap house shit of a chore.
 
All that remains is to sort clothes out for them to wear tomorrow.  Thankfully, she devil next door is out early so perhaps my own children will get out to play without being watched,  who wants to bet its raining tomorrow….
 
Light on but about to go off
 
jacqui
x
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Who knew this???

Okay, when you meet someone for the first time, what is your first thought.  Do you think, how much do I think I’m gonna like this person or how much do I think this person will like me??  This question may not seem all that deep, you may know the answer in a flash but is it the right answer.  I do know what the right answer is for me, except its wrong.  I would walk away thinking wonder if they liked me.  Thats a huge admission from someone with an ego as huge as mine.  Thats telling me that whilst this big brave woman comes over as seeping self confidence and her own assurance, is she really?   If she was quite so big, would she give a stuff what anyone thought of her??
 
I have pondered this question all day.  The ripping piss out of my bigger sky has actually annoyed me much more than it should.  But relevant or not, maybe he did have a point?  Maybe my way of thinking is so far off beam that it cant possibily be right.  Why do we need a bigger picture, a clearer sky.  Is chaoes really that bad if we dont know what direction our lives are going in. As Mr live for today says whats wrong with being on the road your on, just because?  What if no explanation is required or sought, does it matter??
 
Yes, it does matter.  Whether we accept it or not, we need to believe in something, someone, some being in order to function, even if its only self belief.  Self belief needs no explanation.  Belief is something, does it have to be a god, would a side table do, just as well? – I dont know.  Faith in another human being, not my thing.  I am the daughter of an alcoholic man, a woman who put up, shut up – I never relied on another human being and I dont see me changing that now.  I am more the type who needs to be relied on to be worthwhile.  I measure my sucess in how much I help others, pathetic but my way.  I’m beginning to think my way is not the right way either.  I dont believe that selfish is the way to go.  I have started to only speak my own honesty that I try to get from thinking in the right way.  That means not being unkind to others, not resorting to sarcasm or hurtful words but trying to see things from the other persons take and hope they are as honest with me as I am with them.   My first attempt at that went terribily wrong, but if I write my heart was in the right place it was., I was just trying it with a guy who wouldnt know truth if it bit his ass never mind anything else.  I’m not losing sleep over that conversation, in Jacqui speak, I didnt accuse, throw shit that I could have.  I just gave pretty and that to me is a victory.  Okay so I left with no answers, moving on, learning, finding my own answers, that enough.  I did not forgive for one very simple reason.  To forgive is to suggest they were accused, I never did that, ever.  Pretty is as pretty thinks, that much I do know & pretty does = a good heart.
 
 
light still on
 
jacqui

waiting for a star to fall

Controlling life, thats easy.  Dreams, they’re not so easy.  I’m not going to give the detail but it realy disturbed me.  It was almost like my brain was taking me in a direction I really dont want to go in.  I actually wakened myself up saying NO!!  I’m not much of a night time dreamer and I have had a fab week, sharing my time with my children and other people I like so why did my brain do that??  I feel like I almost betrayed myself.
 
Maybe I was just doing my own bit of realisation, getting it right in my head.  Someone laughed at my "bigger sky" and my "realisations".  It shouldn’t have bothered me but it does.  Who likes there beliefs being ridiculed?  No, not many of us would.  Its funny when people have agenda’s they agree with everything, then when they’re tired, they give it out.  Anyone stood and seen one of there children lowered into a grave, they hold out a box with earth,  10 days after my daughter came into this world, I did that.  In one breath, I looked at the sky, it was clear, cloud free and awesomely beautiful.  I looked down at that box, looked into that grave, with the tiny coffin and her name on it, a name I would never shout and no I did not take the earth.  That day I discovered the bigger sky, the reason why some of us need to believe in the bigger picture, because without that, what the fuck is the point.  If I hadnt had that page, book, whatever I call it ended I would have given up, I had 2 kids, a man I loved, I had to find a purpose to save me so the bigger hopeful picture was created, did you not get that you fkn tool??.  Never underestimate the hope people have when you dont need it yourself, when your own world is groovy great but some us struggle with day to day because we do get that there’s a bigger deeper picture than the shallow most fkn give out..  But to judge those who do use there brains, thats way to sad a person for me, yeh you may have money in the bank, a shag on demand but does that satisfy the core of who you are, do you actually ever check, just to see who the fk you are, bet you dont have a clue..
 
Whatever gets anyone through there days is okay with me.  For anyone who lives for today, forgets yesterday never mind the thought of tomorrow, have a world with yourself.  Better yet, wait till I meet you on the road to knowhere, I’ll do it for you.  My glasweign roots come out sometimes – who wid wynt tae be yu? keep yursel, nae wan wynts ya ya tool….. thats funny, maybe only too me, but if they could read it I would PMSL!  Being a glasweign, its like a poetic license to talk total shite but we get away with it, we’re all too thick to get anything other than shite, actually further north you get, worse it gets…
 
 
Lights still on
jacqui
x
 
Toorrows blog is taking a step back in time, boundary setting is once more in my head, be prepared for boredom..

happy is restored

Isn’t it great, when you get to meet someone who left you, dazed, speechless and withered.  You turn it around, look into there eyes and it hits.  I got better than you, I  come out, whole, complete and look at you.  You walked away from me and your crawling in the dark.  I have brilliant sunshine, how much of a pisser is that for them??
 
Im movin on, lifting my game, thanking fuck I didnt risk it all.  I have love in abundance in my world and I wouldnt trade where I am right this minute for anything, for anyone.  I looked at a very sad, shallow man last night.  I  thought I loved him once, actually I know I did, a tiny part of me will always love and cherish the short times I had with him.  Hes gone, lets say, I wish him all the luck in the world.  I was too much of a grown-up and I got my own grown ups to play with.  You my man, you made yourself gone.  Take the rest of your life, find a brain ponder a while and remember, you did it, to yourself.
 
You got exactly what you deserve and you know what, so did i..
 
& Caz, never settle for a what if.  If it takes a lifetime of searching, just find it.  You will never regret the answer more than you would not asking????  True freedom never has too high a price
 
 
jacqui
 
 
 

untitled

I try never to cop-out, blame anyone but myself, my mistakes, my problem.  I sat in my sisters house along yesterday thinking you know what??  Doesnt matter where I am, what I’m feeling.  If I feel happy or sad, good or bad whats the one thing thats always around me, bugging me, yeh I’m good at that, but what is it??  Its myself, I am always with me, surrounding me, the energy yesterday was weird.  I had a sense of being yesteday for someone else,I wasn’t self absorbed, not that I do self absorbtion, ever.
 
Im in a kick some ass mood today.  My own.  The good, the fantasy that I need are within me.  Others are not getting a buy out, I have got butts to kick, my take to say my say & now you know.
 
 
jacqui

more mammogram pics required

Hospital phoned this morning with another clinic appointment, next wed 9am.   They need to do more mammogram pictures and want to do an ultrasound.  My head could be described as being a shed, thats from Caz.  My mind is in overdrive.  Last night I was in another hospital, cellulitis is on a major flair-up and was admitted for 4hrs IV antibiotics, my inner thigh is twice the size it should be,  Got home at 1am with a box full of antibiotices, anyone want to swap lives, Im fed up with this one.
 
I got people blaming me, my stress is caused by myself which is very true.  My cellulitis comes from my stress psoriasis that I have enjoyed since I was a teenager.  Anyway, the cellulitis will go back to its ticking state within a week.  The breast saga is just going to continue and I am doing the male me, me, me thing.  One good thing, house to full of children to have a cry.  I never let my kids see me do that and since they follow me to the toilet will have to wait till much later..
 
jacqui

the start of something new

You know when you start something new, be it giving up smoking, a new eating regime, a change in mind set, whatever.  The enthusiasm oozes like little pockets of those dreams I’m so fond of.  I did something yesterday.  It was against my better judgement.  I didn’t gain anything.  I did it for someone else, no matter who.  The realisation that how they feel or how they act has nothing to do with me struck me at 3am.
 
So, its the start of something new.  The end of something else, I blow in the wind, let it go and say ah well, such is life lol..
 
So, I have  Day 1.  It is the beginning, until I forget who should’t be important to me I will write the day down and be proud that I put myself first.   I got a habit of writing in riddles, when I write something thats not about me its funny, maybe I take myself and my life a bit to seriously?  If your thinking you think??  feel free to let me know..
 
Sorry, this is a bit of a blah blah entry.  I was going thru mypersonal journal online last night, I put certain stuff into folders.  Now, I have a folder full of entries relating to twat as my mind thinks of him, Ian.  I dont delete my written words so wht do I do with them??  I did think of dumping on him, dont know if he looks at the email addy I used, typical man had so many lol but I do need to get rid so how, ideas would be appreciated..
 
 
jacqui