Just follow me ok?

Imagine being someones little dangle, the little being who gets taken out the box when the ego needs a little massage.  Sorry but guys, your the one’s who do it.  Your the one’s that cant stand on your own, hit it out in the world so you rely on various crutches throughout your life.  As you sit huffing thinking, Jac is having a stroppy moment, I’m not.  When a dummy is spat, its guys who do it.  When the toys are thrown, its guys who do it.  Its men who will chase for months, hoping to get a shag at the end of it, we know, were brighter..  
So, what happens when the dangle no longer likes being suspended.  When the dirty little secret wakens up after months in a self enduced coma, has a word with herself and screws the nut.  Insults, thats what happens.  Men suddenly become holy with a stream of insults of I’m shocked, I thought we were friends, yeh like any woman would choose to be friends with a viper??  Like she didnt realise that you were hedging your own bets.  Men who have wives or lovers who do that make me barf.  Keeping someone in reserve till you make up your mind.  I’ve been there, we can all lower our own self esteem.  Why would we require a prick to do that for us??  The reserve position is no position to be in.  The person who did it to me is still walking, talking and breathing, so far.  I can wait years before I seek payback, I will once in my lifetime, but that time isn’t now.
Come on women of this world, its wakey time.  Not to be pissed up a wall is this life.  Dont let any manipulation by anyone make you think your  greater than you are, your great already.  We dont need to seek forfillment from pricks walking.  All that we have, all that we are, thats stored in our own heads.  We need to take comfort from the basic facts.  If a man manipulates you, lets you down, lets you go, he never cared.  I dont give a shit who they are.  If you care about someone, you never ever lose that.  If they throw it away it was bullshit, if they say it wasn’t a love deal, if they cant say when without vague they’re lying, to themselves or you I cant guess but you will.  I take comfort from the fact I have enough love for myself.  I wont bounce from one relationship to make me forget another.  I have a name for that Muppetdome, it doesnt suit me, I do too much self honesty?  Men dont get that.  They sit and spout crap about not lying but they lie on the very basic level, to themselves.
So, commitment phobic men.  Aint it weird how they go from one disaster to another.  Leave the wife, its a done deal.  Walk away, dont turn back, never look back.  Get a lover, make a choice, go for happy or is that shag vibe and heh ho, Muppetdome is reached.  Hold on tho?  Is that pea size brain sayin something, ssshh, can you here it, Fuck, what if I should have stayed with what I had, the wife was safe, knew my buttons, o fuck MUM!!!!!  hA FUCKIN hA.  Commitment phobic men can stay married for decades, I know some.  Its sad, scared to stay put but too scared to move onto the unknown.  If they stay its with a sigh of regret.  Some get brave and shift there world, usually to the next street with Aother but it never quite fits, they may loathe the wife but the Aother, wow, shes gonna be loathed even more, it will be hunky for a brief moment in time.  Here’s the deal – IT NEVER WORKS IF YOU TAKE THE SHIT WITH YOU.  carry the same load from person to person, your gonna get the same result.  Maybe I shouldnt share this.  Maybe I should leave every saddo to scramble in the dark.  You know that song Search for a Hero??  You dont need to search, hes on every corner, in every bar.  Pity he cant even save himself but that a mans lot.  When brain cell No 2 catches up with cell No 1 wont we be laughing.  We have moved on and up.  Found ourselves our  own happy and dont require imput from tossers….  Happy happy, absofuckinlutely.  I have missed out the depressive men, that was done on purpose.  They are so far up there own arses why would I comment.  From the cradle to the grave, mummy made him the centre of her world, how do we all not realise how important he is.  The depressive’s are surprisingly arrogant./  Create a crisis, hold there hands up with a Who Me?  and negate responsibility, actually they never take responsibility, they prefer to blame everyone but give out the poor me of a victim.  They are the martydom of there world, hate the job, but it pays well, children, if they have them, dont communicate, I have no time to describe them, I have never met anyone so annoying as those who say they have depression.  I would not include manics in that.  I had a family member who was manic and he struggled until his death.  Manic depressives are chained in there own misery and just cant find there way out.  I’m talking about the men who use it as a tool to get any fucker who is soft to go straight to sympathy and bypass intelligent thought – thats manipulation of the nice.  Take your drugs, sort your life, move it along….
And women, I dont care how much you cared.  Dont ever contact him again, dont text, if your phone is better than mine, delete, if not never send just to him.  Email addresses delete, or better yet, shut them down, who cant work out a password lol..  Mn you dangle are pathetic, men whpo walk are just above them, just.    When he opens the cave whos gonna be standing waiting, will you?? I wouldnt.  The old saying do it once, shame on you, do it twice shame on me.  One chance, one life so get it right first time.  We woman can say we fucked up.  Men can say just fuck off, its all the same.  Men are like buses so dont sweat it, they come and go, even after long tiresome marriages.  Thank god for the creation of whatshername.  When he wakens up, and I do believe they all do at some future point.  Do not give him the smug look your holding onto.  Dont say you stupid fucker.  Just remember, if the twat was too thick to recognise how great you were first time around; time will not have changed him.  Once a tosser always a tosser, unless he lied; thats a whole other blog tho.. 
Light on in sllence

to please or not???

Sometimes, in the world of a Mum we fit our realisations, sometimes we dont.  Today was a great day.  Most of my 7 children started off in a positive. happy mood but the others, the older ones I told them this:-
I can only please one
 person most days,
 Today is not your day
Tommorow well,
it doesnt look good
Actually, I may
not fit you in for
a while
You are however in the queue
thanks for holding,
one day shall be yours
Just dont hold your breath.
Reality lives beneath the surface, its there even if we need to scratch or scramble for it.  we all need to find a way to fit everything, everyone in, its just sometimes I travel to honesty and tell them, there aint enough time in the world.  My son Lewis has a favourite track of music by Anastacia called Maybe Today,  it teaches all who listen to it, not just hear it but listen to it,.  Life isn’t always fair.   It doesnt matter if you like her or not, its an uplifting go get them track..
Living in light

clueless is groovy

those of us who like that whole brain thing must always be asking questions.  I have been told its one of my faults.  I  like that I question everything.  When I am pissing people off, do I know? of course I do and that amuses me.  So, its late, about midnight.  Since I have a bedroom to myself at night I have started putting my light on and I usually pick up a book.  Last night I picked up a book that I wont give the title of, inspirational shit, I like going to bed on a positive note but it sang to me, actually it was singing in the rain, without the rain ha(wind chimes, read back if your clueless).  It wasn’t my normal style of reading, it was a bit like feel the fear, do it anyway.  That is not new to me, I didnt have 8 kids without grasping that!!!!  It just put the lightbulb from dim. 
Someone I thought lied to me, sorry for that.  On reflection I’m not sure that they did.  I do know that I wasn’t given true honesty but in the real world, its not important if people want to hide there true beings, who am I to judge anyone, nobody has that right..  My point, I have held onto this for months, way to long.  I keep going over what happened in my head, like I’m gonna find an answer, I just hate jigsaws that are missing pieces.  I have to grasp, its not my jigsaw its theres, I have to just walk away from it and let it be.  All I am ever asked by visitors who return to my life is, are you happy.  I can think of them, ask the question and hope the answer is yes.  I never lose that caring thing that says you need to stop because they did. & I dont know how true that is but I will rock with it full stop.  I’m letting my head come back to me.  I want to reclaim all my music.  I have Moloko – The time is now on my ipod, it came up yesterday.  I had given that track away to someone who didnt get it and in that second I had a realisation, my music cant be shared, it fits me and no one should be given sounds, they have to be found and appreciated by unique ears, I’m tripping I know but I’m trying to end my head fuck and this is the medium I use, writing in metaphors is my out card, not that get to fuck statement, thats just childish as well as hurtful from anyone.
 I dont play my life like that, caring for all is allowed.  On reflection, dickhead may have lied, I dont care about that, I do care about what I was left with, people are cruel for there own reasons, I gave up trying to figure it out.  I hope thats enough, I’m not sure that it is but I had my chance last month and I let it go so my chance has gone for the time being.  If it doesnt suit me, I will seek out an find again, Iwill have to wait and see.
We all play our own fiddles.  When I’m alone, I am who I want to be.  If I wasnt why would I not challenge it?  I would, so, I am happy at being the "I" I am.  I do know who I am, I do know now. We all need to take care of ourselves.  My head is slowely moving to its own self.  Big deal if other people have a  small space in it.  Its a big space to fill, I can accept  all.
I’m annoyed with myself, with others, annoyed is not a nice feeling, but thats all it is.  I can shift that just as much as I can shift myself and thats exactly what I am doing.  Could one of you not have said tho – Jac, muppet wakey wakley….
Living in light that sometimes on dim lol..
Kenz – music Dream catch me and all of Seal stuff had to be deleted, sorry just cant stand it anymore

balance within the chi

Do youver get up in the morning and think what a great day is about to unfold.  I got my bathroom suite changed yesterday, new flooring laid and I smiled when I opened that door this morning.
It is a great day.  The positive thought that you start the day with, it leads to new possibilities.  So, you who know I usually am the worst of the moaning cow’s – HEH!!!! its a beautiful day and I’m off to enjoy whatever it brings.  Having balanced chi, its a blast.
Living in light

yeh men again

I hate men who take the piss  I hate even more men who take the piss out of nice, genuine caring women.   Its funny when its not you.  You can see the signs, the dangle that a woman finds herself in, can you stop it?  No, of course you can’t.  You keep wishing, dreaming.  Never lose the faith in them they just dont deserve.  Then, that day arrives.  The mixture between you changing your internal lightbulb and them doing/sayiong something and Bisto arrives.
I’m not the bisto type, I’m not the move along type either.  My mate is.  She is one strong woman and I know right now she wont be feeling so big or strong.  She could easily talk herself right back to that safe dangle but I hope she’s smart enough not too.  She has so much going for her, why would she settle for the I’m not sure kind of man???
If she takes that big step back, sits outside herself for a while.  She will realise, the greatest of her hopes and dreams, they are within her.  Sometimes I see them.  She lets go of the fantasy long enough to see the reality.  I do that too with shopping, thats my distraction.  If I shop long enough, focus on my home long enough we can pretend everything is okey dokey.  I used to say to a piss taker, most of life is pretend, I would rate 90%.  How unreal is it though that we are hitting 10% real.  Can we change and balance that figure, hell yes, for me, its shopping more.
Let me just say, there is nothing wrong with running away, with pretending, so long as w know were doin it and we have discussed this months ago.  Desperate houswives????  They only got themselves to blame and can only save themselves lol… Anyone fancy a shoping trip..
So big hugs to my mate, shes a get along type of female, sometimes I wish I was more like her but alas, blonde just isn’t for me.

peace follows tranquility

I spent £20 on new wind chimes for my garden.  It took me an hour of tinkering to find the right sound.  Wind chimes are a real joy in my world.  I have them on entering my house, at my kitchen doorway.  2 sets hang from my sitting room lights.  My new garden ones are singing to me in the breeze and it’s calming.  20 quid well spent.  My apologies should go to my neighbours who hate the noise but my space my sounds.
I had a barby last night, it was such great weather, it was to good to pass up.  A visit to asda and a text sent, it was a blast.  The headache that followed this morning was well worth it.  I forget to kick back and touch base with Jacqui.  Sometimes, I surprise myself.  I have great mates who I see everyday in children land.  They transfer well.  Even George seemed in a happy mood.  He never fails to surprise me, a man younger than me who actually grasps the conscept of a bigger sky.  He drives a focus, works as a welder and I did think, briefly that sounds like somewhere I dont want to go.  I do friendship well, yes, even with men.  I have always been able to be mates with men without the need for sexual stuff clouding the issue.  I did ask the question, do I like him and I do, we get on fabulously well, as mates.  Hes the real version of my Kenzzo, tho nobody could replace such a great virtual mate as Kenz before his petted lip comes out lol….
My baby had a better day, so, I am a bit more relaxed.  I did have to bring in the big gun, but Jim has always been a hands on parent and hes tougher with the kids than I am.  He was summond and took Nicky to Nursery this morning.  Teacher said it made no dfference but it did to me knowing when I got up this morning all I had to do was have them ready and waiting at 8.45am and my job was done.
Tomorrow as they say, its a whole other day.  I bought a load of house plants today that need to be sighted.  Balancing Chi, its a tough call.  Do to much its like a whirlwind running thru a home.  Do to little and I can feel the stagnant energy sitting on top of me.  My dad laughs when I start my crap about centering and chi.  I do believe in peace, in inner balance and I use what I know and believe to achieve it.  I should have gotten into it years ago.  The balance in my life is way off.  No amount of plants in the world can add to my joy.  But, every night, before I close my eyes I do say my gratitude mantra, thank the world for all the good that I have in my life.  All the people who allow me to be a part of there lives, I am truly blessed, I sometimes forget that.  My little gratitude crystal only comes out when I open my purse lol.  I am trying to be more grateful for all that I have.
I have to shift my focus to be even more grateful, even more positive.  When the world throws that curve ball, I wont let it pass but I will welcome it with open arms, see where it leads.  Last night I asked myself, what is the greatest Joy in your life.  My answer typically was being just who I am, followed by bringing up my children, loving my house, making it a home that I enjoy.  Pathetic it may be, but right now, I just dont need anything bigger than my little beings and my own space.  That is my greatest joy and frustration.  I kinda like being cool and mad, fuck the square, think I would rather be dead than square and settle for less than I deserve.  I firmly believe, we deserve whatever our hearts desire.  Just who the fuck would pick square????  My wind chimes appear to be singing in the rain, you know that song? weird or what????
living in great light


watch your thoughts, for the become words.
watch your words. for they become action.
watch your actions, for they become habits.
watch your habits, for they become character.
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny..
Its not that I didnt know the above, its just sometimes my wood is overshadowed by the trees.  Writing it down kinda puts it out in my world, so it is.  Swayin in the breeze is about as much as I can do.  As toploader says, if the tree is breaking just bend.  Simple but very .
Take care of yourself first,
then your children
 then whoever….
Living in light