big sister is reading

Heh All
 
My big sister has joined us in techno land and finally got connected to www land.  I’m not intending to let her cramp my style.  If anything she encourages me off the straight and narrow.  My sis, despite being just a couple of years older than me has no faith so sin is an alien concept to her.  We discuss everything and she doesnt get my need to seek punishment for the sins I have commited in the past.  I’m not looking for absolution, just a little bit of torture, thats all.
 
I have no idea how ofetn she will read, deffo not as often as I write, think the internet will bore the pants off her.  She’s not much of a shopper.  Whilst I dont physically shop much, I like a good look…
 
With that, next is shouting at me to look.
 
and please listen to the tracks I load onto space, they’re little bits of me and I like them to be heard..
 
Stay happy peeps
living in light
jacqui
x
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great day!!

As is typical, busy morning, followed by busy fun afternoon, did I write fun.
 
Kids all manic, wonder where they get it from..
 
Awk, who needs a life!!!!
 
living in light 
 its raining, might splash some puddles today..
 
jacqui
x

XTC were wicked

Heh All
 
If you have never heard of XTC, and you wont unless your as old as me.  Seek or find on You Tube, one quality band.
 
I am a very proud Mum tonight.  Anyone who knows my boring life story knows my daughter Joy was a selective mute from the age of 3 until she was 7.  We havent had many major hurdles  in the last year to test how she is doing.  Today was a huge test of Joy’s ability to communicate.  In mass this morning Joy was given the task of saying the bidding prayers. Its a group of 3 prayers we all had to respond to.  So, up onto the alter Joy went, microphone in front of her and a gentle pat from harry.  I put my head down and out of those massive speakers came my daughters voice.  Unquivering, she boomed them out.  Our chapel was packed this morning for a coffee morning in aid of breast disease,  it was packed like a tin of sardines.  Old and new, catholics and non, we all stood shoulder to shoulder.  My own row, yes me and my kids have our own row lol all knew how massive it was for Joy to speak. Sorry Lorraine, I almost crushed your hand to little bits I was holding onto it so tightly.  But what struck me, she doesnt have any faith and yet that woman took my hand and didnt let go till it was time for Joy to leave the alter.
 
 
 
Whatever happens in my life.  The reason why, the wherefors;  Do I really need to give a shit.  If your putting your kids first, would I fault you, never.  If you put yourself first, would I crush you, always..
 
Tonight.  Just for right now.  I am as happy and contented a human being as I need to be.  For anyone who has ever given my a headache,  move along, I dont care.  I have a huge capacity to love all and I’m not scared to open my heart and put it out there.
 
My contacts, just strangers passing through – your all beautiful people who I hope have lives full of the greatest Kodak moments like the one I got this morning that I shall cherish always.  Now that really is something to be grateful for.
 
Neil,  I still do my honesty.  Its just not self absorbed anymore.  Lets be honest tho that never got me anywhere.  Lets be honest, if I make it to heaven is St Peter gonna ask how satisfying my sex life was, no.  Hes gonna be interested in the things I did that counted – like nurturing my kids to the very best of my ability.  My children are above all and right now, thats the way I’m happy to go with.  If that ever changes I will let you know, I’m still mad, dont worry.  First sign of snow my boots will be off and I’m out to play. 
 
 I had a blast today.  I worked hard with Joy to make her safe and secure as just Joy, no excuses, no reasons just a kid being herself without reservation or apology.  Today Joy’s light shone brighter than I ever thought possible.  My 8yr old daughter made me feel so humble today and we all breathe along, singing our own na-na songs.  Every night in life I ask each & every one of my children – what have you done to make your mum proud today, even if its just a I brushed my own  without you nagging, they get praise.  There is no one child above another in my world so I guess I have pride in abundance!!!
 
> and Caz, your one dame with her light on full power – I love your enthusiasm, you go girl!!
 
 
Living in the bestest of light
jacqui
x

treasured moments

Heh All
 
Im getting used to spending more time with myself.  Haven’t managed to find anything that I actually enjoy doing which is a small problem.  I actually always thought time spent alone was wasted time.  I cant actually sit still when I’m here alone without the huff of, I’m bored which equates to I’m boring lol..
 
Night time is bad enough, day time is torture, think I feel some painting coming on unless I can amuse myself.
 
Living in light
jacqui

welcome to rapunzel!!!!

Heh All
I have a new contact joining tomorrow.  Rapunzel can only be described as a straight talking dame.  She knows me even better than I know myself  tho whether she ever reads far less comments who knows.   Shes a through and through romantic so doesnt always agree with my stamping o wow.  Shes a frequent flyer in Lala land lol…. Welcome Kate!!!!
 
So, you know me, I start my day in chaos and hope things can only get better.  This morning was chaotic, I had went to bed and not made my lunches, big mistake.  Having a 3yr old help make 6 packed-lunches is not a good start when he wants to open every banana, orange and bite ever apple.   I keep there choc biscuits in the freezer, deffo Kodak moment when he tried to bite his.
 
I always absorb the off the cuff remarks of friends.  I was in a rush this morning and my surrogate daughter Lisa whos only 23yrs bless was tripping about something or other.  She stopped me in my thought by saying "she just doesnt get it, substitution of a partner is not a solution, its a transfer of the same  problemo that will bite her arse, sooner or later"  Bisto momento or what from a youngster!!.  I learned that a while back.  If you jump from one relationship, if you need to fill your head with a "the one", your not actually going to find any resolution to the problems that split you up, time and time again??  Hello, who doesnt get this.  I have friends, in reality world who see the end of a relationship as a failure on there part. worse, have well meaning friends who want to hang on long after the sell by date of hurt feelings.  Best way to put failure behind them, make the same mistake, only quicker than the last.  Dont work out your own insecurities, do not reach for that bit that should be looking introspectively when you could just nose dive into disaster to whatever the number is lol..  Do not work on your own life, filling it with your own stuff.  Put your energy and self esteem into another muppets hands, wait for him to drop it and start all over again.  I’m reminded of that comic aaahhh Tommy Cooper for some strange reason.
 
Had my tarot done by some weird tarot psychic?  With the other 3 she picked there cards, I was left to pick my own??  She was actually spooky.  I got the hermit card and death amongst others.   ah time laps and rebirth, what a combination.  She tripped forever but did say, have patience.  Trust your own judgement and know whats right for you.  Once I have worked out the right; it shall be mine.  When I was leaving she said I want my "time to be now"but its not.  That totally freaked me on a personal level.  Moloko – the time is now is a very precious bit of music, I put the dance channel on last night and it was playing, she said those words, someone has a new phone with 1 number out.  AAHH  Can anyone tell me, how can you get someone out of your head when your constantly reminding yourself of them.  Ack, it’ll all come out in the wash and there is colour catcher to help if needed.  Now where did I leave my crystal ball?? haha.
 
 
living in happy light
 
jacqui
x
Sorry, I’m laughing.,  Dont worry the stupid cow doesnt have internet access but who doesnt know her??

more missing yesterdays..

 Heh All
 
I had a mad moment of poor me, bright pink victim t-shirt last night, hate that.  My apologies, I’m only human just flesh & blood but deffo not a man lol….
 
Anyway, tonight has been booked and I’m alone.  Big man is taking Ja out to try and build some bridges.  I did put a staple in my tongue and said yeh, fine you do your guy thing, YUK!!!
 
My ball is back in play.  I wasn’t even aware there was a ball in the game of life until someone kindly took me aside, told me the rules.  I like a good game.  Trouble with me, I like to win.  This game has many sections that all need attention.  I cant afford to take my eye off the ball, it gets lost and I cant afford to lose it.
 
H will get caught out, sooner or later, he will take his eye off the ball.  I will be ready and lets face it, I’m not in any rush anymore to get rid.  Its not like I have a knight in shining armour waiting for me, not that I need one.  My game plan is simple, wait and watch, easy.
 
Life has a way of working out just perfectly fine, we just need to bend to fit it thats all.  Last night I admit I did feel lonely.  I dont like phoning or texting my mates when I’m alone.  They have there own shit and dont need mine to add to it.  Today my world has been busy.  My kids have been good/bad.  Busy days mean they go to bed early but since I never sleep all night it should be ok if i fall asleep on the sofa till Ja comes home.  Im not sad, or feeling sorry tonight.  I have a blast being me 95% of the time, I just need to treasure that and ride out the 5%.
>> Forgot I’m having a mad tarot card reading done tomorrow by someone who knows nothing about me, if its interesting will blog it, she gives it out lol..
 
light on bright
jacqui
x
 
 

who nicked my yesterdays????

I used to love blogging.  I used to look at that big sky and think yeh, I got something to write about.  Sorry, psychology has taken over and the bigger picture is so deeply mind based that I’m a bit scared to hit it out there lol..
 
My own brain doesnt function so well, wonder if its my age.  I seem to get so involved in other peoples problems that I think, maybe tomorrow I’ll fit me in.  I never quite see to manage it.  I do love being a mum, its what I was created for but sometimes I want to shout Heh bigger person, requires out!!!!
 
I can sit here quietly at night.  No kids, no rumbling Tv and just sometimes I take a deep breathe and it hits me, I really am alone.  I hate being  alone.  The thing I dreaded most, in the whole wide world.  Shaking my head now, dont I always tell my children, be careful what you wish for, you always get it lol..
 
Okay, so being alone isn’t always a bad thing.  I got myself and I’m actually pretty funny.  I make myself laugh with my own stupidity sometimes.  Maybe thats why I love my music so much, there cant be total silence in a world of great music, it just doesnt happen. O oopsy, this bigger picture shit, its wearing thin.  I wish I still drank, I have a house full of drink and never think of having any.  Think I should just go to bed.  Yippee, tomorrow kids are back at school, tears and tantrums, now that I can cope with.
 
Living in light
 
jacqui
x