so little time lol

ah 2007, what a year eh???
Whatever your memories of this year have been thats all they are.  The bad movies of yesterday we dont ever need to watch again, heh, thats such a groovy thought.  I will feel a wee bit sad tonight, blah blah and all that shit lol.  My mum boxed it off yesterday with her "for goodness sake, grow-up lecture".  As we scots say I can behave like a big wean.  I am the grown-up here.  My memories can be summoned up with another of our sayings "Wit a total fuck up ye made o that".  Next year, no fuck-ups allowed.  Hows that for summing up a year, not bad eh????  
The best of me, o fuck I got a foo fighters track in my head. so, ping, musc change till tomorrow.  The best of me is all that I have, all that I have been and all that I’m still to experience.  I will never tire of starting again.  Of changing direction and stamping my feet, I can and do deserve the very best, why ha it taken so long to hit that little snippet of a realisation.  No one deserves more from me than I have, not even myself.
Whoever you are, wherever you are; value yourself.  Understandand, accept your human.  Make your mistakes but dont bury your head up anyone’s ass.  Take responsibility, dont forget to love others as much as you love  yourself.  I say in reality so often, everyone counts.  Every human being, whoever they are, whatever they are.  We all count and I never ever foget that.  Today as I looked out of my window, I sighed, what a wonderful time of life I am in.  So big deal menopause is approaching.  Its exactly a year today since I had sex, yeh really, am I bothered, nope!!!!  People who know me think because I’m out there, talking the talk brimming with confidence that I’m a modern chick lol..  The confidence is like my make-up, its a crutch, I take it off at night and I’m as alone as everyone.  Thank fk no one who knows me reads this.  The reality of Jacqui, she’s all front.  Inside, I never till recently valued who I am.  I lost a friend this year.  She was the very prettiest of beings, a contact I met thru Kenz.  She was a beautiful person, she shot from the hip and never missed me with her honesty, I miss her.  What Kirsty left was her legacy to me.  In the last email she sent she said, someone slaps you your gonna be standing waiting to turn the cheek till they came back, muppet.  Thats not about waiting for anyone’s return.   It was a compliment about my compassion.  I am working with that.  I will never hurt anyone without just cause, except myself.
This year has been a big huge lesson on how to get things wrong.  Except, I dont think wrong is a mistake.  I think wrong is just one try closer to getting it right.  I do understand that if, when we fuck up, make a mistake thats okay.  So long as we never give up, so long as we become pro-actve and not re-active its okay to be wrong sometimes.  I actually dont mind that I think the world is full of honest people.  I dont mind if it turns out I have been lied to when I give out truth.  I can’t police the world.  Just as I cant control how anyone makes a choice, a decision that I know is wrong, I will not judge any living being,.  These things, I have always known, whether I admitted them or not, I knew because I know me.   Few  people in life like my dad, hes a bully but the gift he gave me, its so priceless.  He gave me integrity, fk knows why, but he did.  I am done.  Thank you for taking the time to read, I am almost at 5000 hits, you have taken me one step closer to that yipee!!!!
My wish for everyone passing thru this blog tonight the bestest of everything in life.
When the bells hit, I will be asleep so:-


I do this weird thing at the end of every year.  I sum up my year in journal.  Ther is always highs and lows, like everyone.  I usually find ther’s a balance of sorts and I never make plans or resolutions for the coming year, just plod on.  2007 was a suspended year of nothingness.  I kind of stepped out, did nothing and waited.  I have asked what was I waiting for, devine intervension I guess.  Except I do know, expecting it, wanting it, its not enough is it.  Apathy has been mine.
So, putting this year to bed, wrapping it up is the very best for me.  I have few things in life I regret, I do regret the waste of this year.  This year has been the very worst of my life and I will not have a repeat of it.  I’m a bit lost for words actually. This year has been all mine and yet I totally wasted in with my nothingness.  I get so fkn wrapped up in nothingness that before I knew it it was over??  I want to smack my head, tell myself to grow up and move along.
I’m angry and it would be so easy to blame it on someone, anyone else, except me.  Pull that victim t-shirt on and have a wollow.  That would be so nice, so easy, except I am a grown-up.  I tell my kids to take respnsibility so I should.  My life is not because of any decisions from anyone but me.  The person I am, its my choice.  Its not down to my children, my husband or anyone who passed through my life, its all mine. 
So am I brave enough to take control of me, how weird does that read??? haha
I’m off but will be back for my year end blog later..
light on


You know the trouble with going to mass at the same time as my mother, she’s a twitterer.  I know she gets lonely but when its 10mins till the mass starts & I haven’t started my rosary I get jumpy, so cut her off this morning, o biggy mistake.
My mother has never missed me when it comes to telling me off.  Jeez, I’m over 40 and still get hit with blah bloody blah.  This morning she had a go about my housekeeping skills.  Anyone who knows me would.  I have always been of the opinion that guests are welcome in my home, by appointment only.  Turn up unannounced and your walking into a minefeild.  Underneath it it is clean, its just you got a lot of mess to get through before you hit clean.  Anyway, Mother is lecturing about, time to grow up, set a better example to your children.  You were brought up better than that.  Yeh, you dear mother where called slave.  Okay I wouldn’t have dared drop a crumb on anything in my mum’s house but she ran a tight house, step out of line, you knew it and fast.  I prefer a more easy approach.  Kids are kids, big deal if they forget where the bin is, no big deal right??  Wrong when 6 of them do it.
Ok, boredom is setting in, I’m cutting to the chase.  My teenager during my long winded lecture said well mum, your parenting skills are fkn crap, you dont do house shit so why should we, you leave it to him to do when he comes home and he never moans!!! and your just lazy!¬!!!¬!!.  Your idea’s on punishment are a joke, your too soft on us all???????
So, the lazy cow that I am has been busy in here all day.  Trouble is I start well I just cant maintain it.  I just dont get house shit, why am i thinking about men with erection problems??  Weird head tonight, must be missing sex??  Anyway back to house stuff, how do you motivate yourself to clean up after a house full of pigs.  I have always said if you take something out, put it away when your finished.  If your clothes are dirty, put them in a laundry bag, there is a sign??  So why have I accumulated  5 bags of it today.  Granted last week, I dint do much.  I do feel ashamed.  I love my kids, make sure they are fed, loved, kept warm & clean and yet this house we live in seems to be neglected and its not that I dont have the time.  Time I got, its the drive I lack.
I have worked my fat ass off today, but thats one day.  What the hell can I do to keep doing it???
Suggestions quick please!!!!
Light shining brightly

kids today!!!!

How weird has today’s start been.  I was up, showered and dressed before 7am.  I had been out in my garden, fully dressed lol before any of my kids got up???  That hasn’t happened for such a long-time.  Sadly they’re up now but that 30mins of just me was weird.  Even weirder was the sound of U2, Its a beautiful day coming out of my ipod, I dont even remember loading that.
I’ve suddenly hit one of my realisations – I got nothing to say today.
I am still thinking, just nothing that I would write down.  I’m doing a lot of tossing and turning in bed.  Those silly thoughts we all have, they keep tripping, just cant seem to shake them so insomnia stays with me.  At least last night I managed to stay in bed and didnt go to chain-smoking.  The one person I would share with, I know what his answer would be.  He would typically say, stop thinking selfishly, see the bigger sky child.  Heh, thats allowed I am his child!  Except I dont like that answer so maybe thats why I dont ask? Though I am 42yrs old, why would I need the permission of my parent to do something I think is right for me, ah the bigger sky need to be looked at before any decisions are made.
I used to timeframe everything.  Now, I timeframe nothing.  Life flows and if I dont put an eye on the clock, its gonna be over.  My son sees nothing changing with me.  Am I grounded within fear??  Jeez, I wish I could type it, I can’t.  I can’t put it out there.
Light on bright


Title says it all.  So what do people do on a saturday night??
Me, I put my 6 kids to bed.  Give my teenager money to go out with his girlfriend and what??
I dont do TV, numbs the brain.
I am always a bit lost on a Saturday night. 
My online contacts have lives obviously, since none are on.
If I was to go to positivety I would be putting, I have a fully charged ipod, no kids screaming.  Even with music, great fab music, the sound of silence haunts me.  Probabily nobody is ever going to read this, far less get what I mean lol.
I love being me.  I’m funny, kind and a nice human being, so why do I still feel a touch sad, even for a breath, thats such a waste..
Light on softly

its a crazy world!!!!

I had to share this…
I have just received an email wanting my opinion on whether or not I think a uk "name and shame" site for people who have cheated is a good idea!!!!!
Hhmm, wonder why they asked me??  I personally think yeh, cool.  Warn the world, could at least save some time on STD diagnosis.  Serial adultery is at an all time high, dont know why.   Have the comfort cake at home is cool, an extra one, well that will lead to obesity so why go there.
I have stopped PMSL now.  Its an interesting question that I have nothing really to contribute too.  Weird how we sometimes get these strange, crap emails but that one tickled me.
Light smiling

music, music, music

Ok so DJ Fleva isn’t a favourite of mine.  Against DJ Rankin he doesnt rate, but he didn’t do Caribbean drums.  My music sometimes is more music than word based, this is one of them.
Im in a mood to shout Yippee, I’m free but I wont.  Me and my kids are just us again, how I missed that, aloneness of ourselves.  Okay, so is anyone else who seriously blogs thinking of ripping up and starting again.  Its will be a New Year and as I said yesterday, it only takes a shift in thought to change things.  Would that be easier without the past words for all including me to see.
Who knows but since binning my email addy wasn’t an option perhaps I should start blogging in one of my other addy’s.  I hate this address now.  Silly, crazy but fact.  My thinking is slipping and I am not prepared to do that, not now not ever.  I need a new focus its just what. Hhmmm away to my thinking corner for a ponder.
Light bright