just for girls, seriously

Ok if I just type the word periods, hopefully most men will scurry along.  This I need to share.
My oldest daughter Jennifer is only 10yrs old.  She is a big ten, developing way to fast.  How fast I didnt realise until I entered her domain.  Typically she throws her clothes everywhere.  I should have twigged when I found a stash of her underwear behind her bed.  So on inspection I think, when the hell did that start, more to the point how come she didnt say. 
I am a well prepared mum.  We have had talks and she knows where the "female" stuff is stored.  She helped herself, didnt like to bother me because one of her brothers was playing up and I feel like total crap.  God, I remember when I started mine at 11yrs old, I thought I was dying and ran to my mother in a flood of tears.  Not Jennifer, she was cool, I think.  I’m more amazed that it happened just after christmas and she didnt say???
I have no friends with daughters who have been through it.  Only friend I have with a daughter a few years older is yet to go through this.  Boy, was it a shock.  I’m not quite sure why.  I feel a bit silly sharing with my virtual mates when I have no intention of sharing with anyone apart from you guys and ang but I suppose these things should be private.
Only reason I am sharing is because I do feel like crap.  Its an important time and my daughter thought I was to busy to be bothered.  Shes been put right about that.  Still feel crap though.  One daughter down, two to go.  I just hope it gets easier..
Light going off

girls versus boys

As a mum, my boys come out on top every time.  3 of my sons share a room.  I tend to let them go with the flow and I respect there space until the floor cant be seen.  Two and a half hours in the boys room yesterday, I can take so much then tidy it myself.  Big problem.  What I do for the boys means I have to do it for the girls.  One minor problem, my girls are mucky.  The boys its just clothes, clean tho and paper on there floor.  Despite the fact the girls are older, well, except hope they really are messy.  They have toys, mobile phones, ds games, half eaten crisp packets.  Actually I have no firm idea what covers there floor.  Im sure there’s a cream carpet under everything.  I’m about to go check tho lol..  The boys have the advantage of having drawers under there bunk beds.  I wasn’t so clever with the girls but under there beds is part of there room..
Thankfully they are all at school or I would have a serious tantrum.  Nicky is happy to watch Spiderman 3, I hate him watching TV but hes happy and it doesnt happen often.  Its a cold miserable day outside so it wont do him any harm, just for today.
Ah well, cant put it off any longer and I have my antibiotics at the ready.  There room and a bleeding patch of psoriasis leads to cellulitis, everytime.  Maybe thats why I dont go into there bedroom often. I actually like the end result of house shit, if the bit that leads to tidy was more pleasing I might be inclined to do it more often – not!!!
Happy given gets happy back
Light on

a whole year on..

  This entry was written when I was not in a loop of 2.  I should have been burning bridges, not trying to cross them – I’m better now.  Its up just to remind me, I’m human and stupid, groovy that.  I know who I am and what I deserve, its better than what I had last year..




I think I’m gonna shoot off for a while.  I find myself doing speechless alot recently.  It doesnt suit me.  I’m not the type to do speechless.  If I’m required to because of others I’m not actually being true to myself, if I cant do that, there isn’t a lot of point.  If all I can give is wee pats on the head, false platitudes what is the point, there is no point.
The world does indeed keep spinning.  It doesnt revolve around one being.  I am often struck by how self-centered we as a society have become.  We all look after ourselves to the exclusion of others and whilst you could be reading well, thats a society problem, not my fault, is it not everybodies fault, thats exactly what it is, every individuals fault.  Heh, who cares, I do, you should, we all should.  I have the poem of hope swimming in my head, a poem written by a small child, who did get the concept that one being can change the world.  Maybe thats a simplistic and naive take on the worlds situation, but I would so rather have that than lay claim to being self centered.  One of my contacts once had the name "learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow", thats a truly wonderful sentiment, maybe we should all embrace that as an ethos, the learn from yesterday, I got.  The life for today, yeh I can do that, the hope for tomorrow, who deosnt find that a struggle lol, but we can try right?  Today is a new day, today should be full of hope, the sun came up, as it usually does, the moom will come out.  Whatever is happening in any of our worlds, it will keep spinning, because theres nothing else to do. 
I dont often advocate going with the flow, I’m way to old today, so go with your flow, whatever your choices, be they silly or hard, it doesnt matter what you decide to do, so long as you do decide.  Remember though even the bad options must sit with the good until you have made your decision.  I often hear myself saying, nothing is ever as bad as imagined.  I have a brilliant support network that carry me when required, I have some cool friends who help when my brain doesnt work, they shoot from the hip, not pat and say what they think I want to hear, who wants that, if any of you do, skip along, I aint your type of person.  Ultimately, our decisions are unique, they belong only to us.  I cant walk a step in anyones shoes but myown.  The very very least I can do, is make sure they fit. 
 My decisions were easy really, once I made my decision to play one game,  the sky opened and brightly.  Yeh, I can play when required and I’m gonna enjoy my game, some wont but for a change, I should have realised this years ago, better to live your own life than let a muppet manipulate it.  My muppet says he thinks I pretend through my life and rediate lies, ah bless, a victim moment, so, any of you who know him, yes I pretend, its the only way to get through, yes I lie oops and no he aint having anymore of my time because you know why, he doesnt deserve it!!!!  When my sledge hammer hits, he won’t even see it coming and he’ll deserve it.  I’ve came back and think thats unfair actually.  I never say the words I love you and mean it to him, thats so terribly sad, the love left, sometime, whenever and it wont come back.  Where I find a place to keep myself safe, I’m gonna stay there and cherish it.  Reality check, I dont need someone holding my hand, yeh, it would be nice but grown up stuff can be too complicated to detangle.  I wouldnt make the same mistakes as anyone else, but heh, no one makes mistakes on purpose, there called human failings, but sticking to the safe side, is that an option, should it be.  Is that weakness, when we force ourselves to pretend and do settle or a show of strength, thats one of those relative things but thats like saying, because of you, thats blaming throwing.  Because of you, him, me, her, whomever thats such a cop out and I think to go that route is drowning, slowly, safely but drowning nevertheless.
Does everything change.  Am I just a bit on the thick side and not realise?  Maybe its me thats the muppet, thats a different take.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt I usually do self belief, I very rarely do self doubt, how could or do you know when your wrong?  Is it ever enough in life to say, for me, I did the best I could.  Maybe my journal of "let go" is something I should re read, see if my ever search for focus is actually in there.  I bet it is, stuck amongst the bloody metaphors will be my bloody answers.  I already know my answers, I just suffer from stalling, and a bit of fear, but that wont stop me, not in the long run.
(And the indignant amongst you, no, I am far from perfect.  My world is as happy with equal problems as yours.  No one of us has a mynopoly on misery or happiness, its all relative people, but for today it would be nice if we could try to live with just a bit more honesty too ourselves.  I ask the question of my children, what have you done today to make me proud.  Perhaps us adults should ask that question of ourselves and see if we can actually find a proud reason.  If I find one, I will post it.)
Go have a crunchie; its friday, yippeee!!!!

No apologies required

When I first heard the track that up today I thought it was nice.  On reflection, I’m not too sure.  I dont think its eve too late to say sorry.  I never think its too late to acknowledge when you’ve hurt someone.
With a sigh I can say, I have never missed saying sorry when its required, I have never been "too" late and I’m happy that my being is a true and bright one.
No time
Enjoy your evening, listen to the track &
Keep the light on

Yoga is over-rated

Well I think it is anyway.  For me, meditation has always been about attaining nothingness, that in itself takes a while to master.  If you havent tried it feel free.  Its difficult to learn how to not think lol..  The mind doesnt like nothingness and it take a long time to achieve the balance between a clear mind without thought and the nothingness of not focussing.
Mr Ponstan, okay his name is not Ponstan but think it suits him haha, if your not female you’re maybe reading eh?? Dont bother.  Anyway Mr ponstan says meditation should be done not to hit nothingness but for the breathing??  Sorry, I been breathing forever, I do it well.  Actually, when I first started the breathing yoga thing I swear to god I thought I was going to suffocate, in a room full of strangers.  Who would have thought I was a constant mouth breather.  Mr ponstan says the mouth is for eating and the mouth is for breathing.  pile of crap but heh ho.  theres a little bit of information to digest for you all..
blah blah day,
 happy birthday ang if your reading
light bright

twisted reality has shifted

How weird is this life shit.  A birthday is the start of a new cycle in life, ok a yearly one but I can groove with that.  Have I mjentioned that last year was a complete wipe out of a year in my world.  I dragged my over laden rucksack about everywhere.  Changed my victim t-shirt almost every day, cried way to much and generally made a complete arse of things.
I got heavily into searching out answers.  Many of us, when hit by a total confusing part in life think the lightbulb is out there, I just need to source it.  Its a bit like waiting for the star to fall.  You sure as hell know it wont but you want it so badly that if you wish enough, dream it enough it will right??  Well, maybe it will, maybe its a question of faith but there’s always a but.  Same as searching answers.  The answer is within, not without.  The happy, its within each and everyone of us.  When you stop hoping, expecting, even when you know your damn right, life starts to empty the rucksack, all on it own.
When I realised recently I was being played I went to shock.  Then I thought payback? nope, not my style, why would I want to hurt someone just because they have an even sadder existance than I?  It wasn’t an option to shutdown and back out of there life so I made the decision to limit information, side step rather than roll-over.  Today, I thought would be a huge test with them.  How totally wrong I was.  I was happy with my lot and they seem to be deeply unsatisfied, unforfilled and totalling in the feeling sorry for themselves zone.  I didnt comment on it.  It was just evident that they’re life isn’t what they want and I managed to keep my mouth shut.
Grown-ups I’m told play mind-games all the time.  My trouble is, I’m no player.  I shoot honesty straight from my mouth, sometimes before my brain has engaged.  People who know me are aware that I lack tact but always give honesty.  Its fun not playing in a perverse way.  It just means when you sit and don’t rise to the bait, they got nowhere to travel too.  I know I’m pathetically new at this but I wont be pulled into game playing by anyone.
Enjoying the light

e-cards are groovy

Thanks to all who sent e-cards today for my birthday.  They were totally wicked!!!!
Tonight I got a date with a mate who drinks buckfast.  I will be drinking pernod and irn-bru, getting rat arsed, fall asleep in my hall and phone my dad in the morning if I puke to clean it up, ah grown-up I may be.  As my dad reminded me this morning I’m still his wean and he always cleaned it up for me, seriously.  Only because I was always to drunk to notice.  Luckily I can handle my drink now and am never sick or suffer from hangovers.
I actually got fab presents.  H gave me one that totally astounded me, if your a contact try catching me on messenger.  You’ll understand what I mean.  Have a wicked weekend.  I shall be back tomorrow night, moaning no doubt about the person who I should trust but dont.  If your a reader who pays attention, yes, it is her, surprised? Not as much as I was.
O Rona if your reading, a reality buddy , your most welcome.
Living in happy light