This entry was written when I was not in a loop of 2. I should have been burning bridges, not trying to cross them – I’m better now. Its up just to remind me, I’m human and stupid, groovy that. I know who I am and what I deserve, its better than what I had last year..
I think I’m gonna shoot off for a while. I find myself doing speechless alot recently. It doesnt suit me. I’m not the type to do speechless. If I’m required to because of others I’m not actually being true to myself, if I cant do that, there isn’t a lot of point. If all I can give is wee pats on the head, false platitudes what is the point, there is no point.The world does indeed keep spinning. It doesnt revolve around one being. I am often struck by how self-centered we as a society have become. We all look after ourselves to the exclusion of others and whilst you could be reading well, thats a society problem, not my fault, is it not everybodies fault, thats exactly what it is, every individuals fault. Heh, who cares, I do, you should, we all should. I have the poem of hope swimming in my head, a poem written by a small child, who did get the concept that one being can change the world. Maybe thats a simplistic and naive take on the worlds situation, but I would so rather have that than lay claim to being self centered. One of my contacts once had the name "learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow", thats a truly wonderful sentiment, maybe we should all embrace that as an ethos, the learn from yesterday, I got. The life for today, yeh I can do that, the hope for tomorrow, who deosnt find that a struggle lol, but we can try right? Today is a new day, today should be full of hope, the sun came up, as it usually does, the moom will come out. Whatever is happening in any of our worlds, it will keep spinning, because theres nothing else to do.I dont often advocate going with the flow, I’m way to old today, so go with your flow, whatever your choices, be they silly or hard, it doesnt matter what you decide to do, so long as you do decide. Remember though even the bad options must sit with the good until you have made your decision. I often hear myself saying, nothing is ever as bad as imagined. I have a brilliant support network that carry me when required, I have some cool friends who help when my brain doesnt work, they shoot from the hip, not pat and say what they think I want to hear, who wants that, if any of you do, skip along, I aint your type of person. Ultimately, our decisions are unique, they belong only to us. I cant walk a step in anyones shoes but myown. The very very least I can do, is make sure they fit.My decisions were easy really, once I made my decision to play one game, the sky opened and brightly. Yeh, I can play when required and I’m gonna enjoy my game, some wont but for a change, I should have realised this years ago, better to live your own life than let a muppet manipulate it. My muppet says he thinks I pretend through my life and rediate lies, ah bless, a victim moment, so, any of you who know him, yes I pretend, its the only way to get through, yes I lie oops and no he aint having anymore of my time because you know why, he doesnt deserve it!!!! When my sledge hammer hits, he won’t even see it coming and he’ll deserve it. I’ve came back and think thats unfair actually. I never say the words I love you and mean it to him, thats so terribly sad, the love left, sometime, whenever and it wont come back. Where I find a place to keep myself safe, I’m gonna stay there and cherish it. Reality check, I dont need someone holding my hand, yeh, it would be nice but grown up stuff can be too complicated to detangle. I wouldnt make the same mistakes as anyone else, but heh, no one makes mistakes on purpose, there called human failings, but sticking to the safe side, is that an option, should it be. Is that weakness, when we force ourselves to pretend and do settle or a show of strength, thats one of those relative things but thats like saying, because of you, thats blaming throwing. Because of you, him, me, her, whomever thats such a cop out and I think to go that route is drowning, slowly, safely but drowning nevertheless.Does everything change. Am I just a bit on the thick side and not realise? Maybe its me thats the muppet, thats a different take. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I usually do self belief, I very rarely do self doubt, how could or do you know when your wrong? Is it ever enough in life to say, for me, I did the best I could. Maybe my journal of "let go" is something I should re read, see if my ever search for focus is actually in there. I bet it is, stuck amongst the bloody metaphors will be my bloody answers. I already know my answers, I just suffer from stalling, and a bit of fear, but that wont stop me, not in the long run.(And the indignant amongst you, no, I am far from perfect. My world is as happy with equal problems as yours. No one of us has a mynopoly on misery or happiness, its all relative people, but for today it would be nice if we could try to live with just a bit more honesty too ourselves. I ask the question of my children, what have you done today to make me proud. Perhaps us adults should ask that question of ourselves and see if we can actually find a proud reason. If I find one, I will post it.)Go have a crunchie; its friday, yippeee!!!!jacqui