Archive | January 2009

A change of thought??

People take the p*ss out of me.  I’m not talking about strangers but those closest to me, I know.  I’ve always known but couldnt ever figure out why.  My head is full of debre from the past and I have never considered it to be a factor until recently.  I have a friend who’s Mum was an alcoholic and when she died my friend started going to Al-Anon meetings.  All through her adult life she had strived but put up with.  Patience became her middle name.  She has a life that to the outside world was perfect but it wasn’t for her.  She never felt good enough as a wife, mum.  In anything she ticked the box of could do better.
 
My point is, well, we have started to talk or rather I moan.  I moan about my lot and how they do pretty much what they want whilst I let them.  Patience is my middle name.  The screaming inside me I can dampen and I do.  Is it in some way connected to my past? I’m not actually sure.  Somewhere along the route to adulthood I became a doormat and its not who I am or who I want to be.  How could I have let that happen??
 
You know me and my plans.  This is a complex issue I may need some help with.  I do know that if I want to change things I have to start with myself.  I dont feel resentment except to H.  Does he hold me back??  No.  Its just easier to blame him than me.   Why is it easier to let my kids walk all over me.  Will they love me any the less if I give them firmer rules – is that what I’m scared of??  GGGGrrr, I really like Mrs L  She has me questioning why I have become just like my own mother.  A put up and shut up woman who simmers instead of changing I seethe.  Thats not who I want to be.  I would go to an Al-anon meeting with her, except my dad has been dry for 15yrs and did it effect me??.  I have never blamed my Dad for anything in my life.  I have always thought as adults we should take responsibility for who we’ve become.  But (sorry) what if who I have become is a security blanket to stop hurt getting in.  If I am scared???
 
Sorry
I just wanted to share my thoughts.  The people I share my Saturday’s with remind me of the confident Jacqui.  Weirdly, the minute I come home she gets packed away for another week.  It maybe easier to just seethe quietly but the trouble with that??  I will explode, sooner or later and I cant afford to fall apart.
 
light on
jacqui
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