A change of thought??

People take the p*ss out of me.  I’m not talking about strangers but those closest to me, I know.  I’ve always known but couldnt ever figure out why.  My head is full of debre from the past and I have never considered it to be a factor until recently.  I have a friend who’s Mum was an alcoholic and when she died my friend started going to Al-Anon meetings.  All through her adult life she had strived but put up with.  Patience became her middle name.  She has a life that to the outside world was perfect but it wasn’t for her.  She never felt good enough as a wife, mum.  In anything she ticked the box of could do better.
My point is, well, we have started to talk or rather I moan.  I moan about my lot and how they do pretty much what they want whilst I let them.  Patience is my middle name.  The screaming inside me I can dampen and I do.  Is it in some way connected to my past? I’m not actually sure.  Somewhere along the route to adulthood I became a doormat and its not who I am or who I want to be.  How could I have let that happen??
You know me and my plans.  This is a complex issue I may need some help with.  I do know that if I want to change things I have to start with myself.  I dont feel resentment except to H.  Does he hold me back??  No.  Its just easier to blame him than me.   Why is it easier to let my kids walk all over me.  Will they love me any the less if I give them firmer rules – is that what I’m scared of??  GGGGrrr, I really like Mrs L  She has me questioning why I have become just like my own mother.  A put up and shut up woman who simmers instead of changing I seethe.  Thats not who I want to be.  I would go to an Al-anon meeting with her, except my dad has been dry for 15yrs and did it effect me??.  I have never blamed my Dad for anything in my life.  I have always thought as adults we should take responsibility for who we’ve become.  But (sorry) what if who I have become is a security blanket to stop hurt getting in.  If I am scared???
I just wanted to share my thoughts.  The people I share my Saturday’s with remind me of the confident Jacqui.  Weirdly, the minute I come home she gets packed away for another week.  It maybe easier to just seethe quietly but the trouble with that??  I will explode, sooner or later and I cant afford to fall apart.
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back from the brink

of blooming insanity.  I had forgotten that there’s still people who cant turn on a pc.  My parents now have there very own laptop.  The engineer who brought them there virgin modem forgot the router so its connected to an ethernet which means my Mother is straining her back, poor thing.  They couldn’t get the system to shutdown (bad, bad sign).  The emergency distress call went to my sis who’s technical knowledge could be written on a postage stamp so it came down the chain to me.
I trotted to my parents with a spring in my step and excitement gurgling.  I finally get to see vista in action.  Goodness its  fab .  Its maybe because its a brand new system but its so shiney and new, I love it’s functions.  Hate google though.  Why are google toolbars loading into every system???  I know I would remove it but my mum thinks it maybe useful??
My mum has been left with little post its with how to start it up, how to close it down and I’m sure she’ll be fine.  I was smiling proudly when she opened argos all by herself lol..
So my world.  If Huff attack ever left he’s back.  Petted lip is out so I have retreated to my lala land and am sooking on a lemon (I’m not sure of a descriptive enough word for "sook" so hope you all get it).  I think he was annoyed that it took 3hrs at my mothers.  I wont apologise for it.  Its not often I get to smile so much at my parents.  Actually, unless I go on a Saturday – which I dont, the only time I would see them is outside the shop. 
work was strained today.  On checking yesterday’s takings they were more than double what they usually are so I am feeling the pressure.  Morning staff have been warned to watch what they’re saying and to whom.  All I can do is do what I’m told.  Tighten the staff down.  Give direct instruction and dont allow them to have any fun, ever!!!  lol.  I’m wondering – why am I doing this???
O and my eating has been crap this week.  Since putting on 3lbs over the weekend I have lost zilch, uchy well.  My trousers are beginning to look huge however so everytime I stand on the scales and sigh I know, they will move eventually.
Im off to search ebay for something I dont need, wont buy and wander for a while.
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What happened to integrity???

I was telephoned yesterday by our regional co-ordinator who asked to "sort some things out".  This morning I was told the afternoon shift leader had telephoned her to say one of my staff had commented at how easy our till is, which it is.  The afternoon leader was concerned that he had beenfully trained on the till and the regional co-ordinator agreed.  Whilst I would never put him on the till thats not a trust issue for me, thats a manner issue.  calling everyone "doll" is not professional and I was honest with him and told him.  I also had a conversation about how his interest in our banking procedure was unhealthy and he said he was just interested which I accepted.  He is just a full on man, no harm, or so I thought.
It appears that as a volunteer he is more than useful but only to a point.  I feel more than offended for my staff member who knows nothing about this.  Chinese whispers about him have ticked me off to the point of I am seriouly thinking of leaving.  I dont enjoy working with snide people, people who distrust one another to the extent that they are stabbing genuine, nice people in the back and leaving the knife in.
I’m in shock and the whole thing has left a very nasty taste in my mouth.  The afternoon leader doesnt have anything to do with my shift and y
et she thinks she has a right to comment.  I did feel like going and fronting her up but the mood I’m in I think I would rip her head off.  How dare she.
The thing that neither of them know since they probabily never thought to ask is his father died in our hospice 5 months ago.  He took his fathers death very hard and had to give up work due to depression.  Working in our shop is his way of dealing with  it.  That’s his only agenda.
People are not always very nice but it frequently surprises me that we’re all judged still by the way we look or speak or act.  Its a sad fact that geting out his bed 3 mornings a week to work for no money isn’t enough.
ah well
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blah, blah title

This has been a long week.  I have however cured my insomnia by adding another pillow.  Its the strange little things that make a huge difference.  I had a hair consult today when I was told no, my hair is not thinning it just looks like it??  Since I was not born with purple/black hair my scalp is lighter than it would be if it was black so when I move my hair about of course I can see my scalp.  I personally think thats crap but I cant argue, well actually I could.  My solution is to change the colour.  I never wanted to stay brown.  I think if you dye it best to be obvious & so dark brown is not an option.  I dye it because of the grey so me thinks it’ll go to a red.
Biggest thing I have to worry about is my hair, which I have been doing lots of recently lol..
I’m not in the mood for this blog thingy right now, dont know why.
light on


but only with myself.  My eating this week was a nightmare.  I skipped meals and even ate a pkt of crisps – twice!!!
I had 2 bits of pizza last night and this morning?  I’m 3 lbs lighter than last week, 3lbs!!!
One of my mates is coming to see me in work this morning.  Whenever this one goes out of her way I immediately think she wants money, I cant help it but I hope I’m wrong.  No, she wont get any.  I dont operate a tab and since she still owes me money it’ll be a nope cant help.
I’m off to sweep my bronzer over my face, slap my mascara on and attempt to get my lippy liner right.  To be a woman who didnt care eh!!!!
O and lee, I will email you, I promise.  I hope your okay.  My keyboard still misses you!!!
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breathing in & out

I had such high  expectations for that clothes rail.  Sadly it collapsed again this afternoon.  Jack. I dont need to type anymore.  O where is the positive??  I had bought 2 heehee.  Other has been put up and it only has kids clothes on it.  I think the problem was a weight issue.  I had all my work clothes on it  and it was heavy.  Fingers crossed it will survive.
Work was a very childish affair today.  People throwing what I could only describe as tantrums.  I walked away   with a "my bloody kids behave with more maturity".  That was stretching it but you get my point.  I’m a 3 day rule woman.  If I have 3 days on the trot that I dont enjoy I will leave.  Life is too short wasting it on something that I dont enjoy.  Today was day 2 so I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow.  
Okay thats me until tomorrow.  I’m typing on one of the laptops and the keyboard is  rubbish.  I like my own and since Lewis is on it I’m going to go get my book.  Thats some tough reading but its that or the simpsons.
Have I mentioned its my birthday on Sunday lol..
Have a great weekend

Great idea but

when I decided to start putting my ironing onto a clothes rail I hadnt figured on the kids moving it.  In fairness, the light in the hall was out and they were attempting to move it into the kitchen.  taking it over the kitchen door step was never going to work.  Rail fell apart and all the clothes I had ironed had fallen on the floor and was left lol..
I could type I give up but I wobnt ever.  Question though why is huff attack walking about in such a bad mood??  i dont remember his input when I was washing or drying never mind the ironing or is it because the light has been out for days and he never bothered his arse.
light somewhere