There is always a reason..

This week has been a long one.  The life death question.  The who is born to live a long life whilst others die as kids has been circling over my head this week.  If we see a bigger picture I think its just a blur for me because I just dont.  I have had a wide spectrum this week.  Highs and lows.  More lows I have to say.  I’m not given to being emotive anymore.  I try hard not to over-react.  If I had to blame anyone for my silly rediculous choices hhmm that would be me.
I’m going into a blah, blah phase in blog.  That could be good.  I spat my dummy at Noddy yesterday.  Mystery reader was back for over an hour on Thursday jumping between 07– to current.  May I just suggest reading months in sequence?  You lose something when you skip beats.  So, mystery reader my thoughts on you are simple.  Your sad and since you dont comment either scared or threatened but I dont care which.  I have had enough.  All your doing is making me contact the one person you don’t want me to DOH??.   Work it out, just not in my space.  That’s for me?  My contacts?
Tonight I’m going to bed early.
  I will say a huge thank-you to my god tomorrow for all that I have. O, that includes my fabulously purple hair. 
 I so love the normality of it lol.
I will show gratitude for my 2lbs weight loss (yes!!!)
and I will not moan, till Monday (me thinks anyway)
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Make a wish

What a busy chapel this morning.  People all united for a little girl who knew more pain in her life than most adults.  Her wee coffin was a bright rainbow, finished in pink with a photo of her smiling on top.  A booklet with the chosen hymns, a poem from her Dad was given to everyone.  Goodness her Dad comforted everyone around him.  She actually had older siblings, I thought there was only 2.  However it was a beautiful ceremony until they played a song about children, sent for a breath and returned home.  Im not sure how many weren’t crying but most where, including me.
On leaving the shock was a huge white carraige for Samantha’s coffin.  Drawn by 2 black horses who had pink ribbons running thru there manes.  I have never seen so many cars leave at one time and 2 buses.  Goodness her family know so many people!!!  The school kids all coped well.  When her coffin was lifted they played a Robbie Williams song, cant remember what but the school kids all left church crying as were the teachers.
I’m tryng to remember we are only on loan here.  Its not up to any of us to decide when we die.  Fthr Harry reminded us of that this morning but jeez, for me 10 is no age for death.   Then I remember baby Sophie, born just as Sammy was dying.  Ther is a bigger scheme, just wish we were let in on the why’s.
I tossed and turned last night.  I thought of reasons why I should go to work instead of the funeral service.  Well, seemed like reasons but thats another way of saying excuses.  I am glad I went.  Funerals are sad but the reality is we are all born to die.  I always think if you manage to do it in that order, well, better than my daughter managed.
So, back to work.  Though I hate to admit it I was right to take Jym off the till.  Our takings are up and the shop area is a better, happier place.  A woman this morning commented that all the staff are very nice and helpful.  A few weeks ago she would have seen a man leaning over the counter, face in hands looking p*ss bored.  Happy busy staff seems to attract happy busy shop.  Just hope it lasts.  I have to say that the comment of "have you a job interview" from a member of staff this morning did make me smile.  I had on trouser boots this morning with a 3" heel.  I have worked out that actually I walk better in heels rather than trainers but goodness my poor feet dont appreciate it lol.  I like hitting over 6′, makes me look slimmer if I stand up straight.  With that I’m off to make a cup of coffee with some caffeine.
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Crap night

Anything that could go wrong did go wrong this evening.  I had intended to wear a black suit to tomorrow’s funeral.  A mad dash to get trousers a size smaller from my wardrobe wasn’t easy but eventually found the correct make to match a new jacket.  jacket was not where I thought it was.  I pulled out every cupboard, every wardrobe.  I know any jacket would do but I had to find it.  I started looking before dinner and by kids bedtime I am seriously thinking maybe I didnt buy it.  Kids in bed I go into teenagers room.  Ja keeps his jackets on the bunk end.  Staring at me?  My jacket.  Pulled it out, tried it on and its too big.  Normally, I would be pleased.  I’m not.  I dont want to go see a pretty little pink coffin.  I’m not sure I will hold it together.  Omg, I know that pain.  I will see that look in her Mum’s eyes and know, it’ll never leave her.
Joy has decided not to go.  Jennifer however will and I did ask her if she wanted me to go and she said yes.  She knows I havent been to any childs funeral since Jessica.  It doesnt help that Jessica would have been in Samanta’s class so I always avoided those children.  If I’m honest I was always jealous of there Mums picking them up from school whilst mine is missing.  This faith shit is hard right now.  Tomorrow morning before 10am I will kneel down, say my rosary and hope little Samantha is somewhere giggling
So I decided that red hair?  It wasn’t really me.  I dyed it back to purple tonight.  I had half hoped it would turn pink but its back, the colour that opens it like a parting tide.  Right now, it doesnt matter if my hair is thinning.  The fact I got a spare tyre or 2?  Who cares.  I’m here.
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busy in lazy mood

This morning was over is a blink of an eye.  I wont bore you with it.   This afternoon I think I may tidy something, anything.  Even wash a wall or two.  I HATE not shopping. I guess the point is if it was easy we would always do it?  A lady this morning told me her hubby put a nicotine patch on yesterday morning and he’s not even thought of a ciggie.  Now that’s a giving up too far for me lol..  Shopping is easy compared to that little withdrawal.  I guess Jesus contemplated for 40 days so I can at least stop shopping.  I did manage to eat my 5 portions of veg yesterday.  Since it was a fast day with only 1 meal I decided to make my meal count so had a hearty homemade veg soup.  How hungry was I.  Since it was a fast day I had 1 glass of white wine last night and thought I felt a bit tipsy.  I’ve turned into a woman who can’t handle her drink, what happened?
Fkn weight.  My scales are ripping the p*sh (excuse my language, please).  I do 3 weigh-ins every morning.  The first this morning said I had lost 2lbs, 2nd 1lb and the last, nothing.  So, I’m not going to weigh myself till I need to, Saturday morning.  Jeez I’m eating more healthily, I’m doing more of that excersise thingy; I’m not sure what else to do, maybe buy new scales?  Mine obviously have an identity crisis.  They think they’re mission is to scramble my brain.  I know, the scales are laughing at me.  I dont know who apart from me dreams of a crunchie dipped in mustard, 2 of my favourite things, just not together.
Im off to the corner of the garden that has an ashtray in it.  O and some very nasty person stole 2 sets of wind chimes from my clothes lines.  I had a blue dreamchatcher and a red.  Ok together they only cost £20 but who would go to the trouble of not just taking them but cutting them down.  I do still have a large set about 10ft up my tree.  When I put them up I made sure they wouldnt fall and since it must have been dark when they were taken they couldnt see the sting if they even tried.  How nasty.  I just hope it wasn’t one of my neighbours.  I know they get on some peoples nerves but without them I dont sleep well.  In 37 days I will replace them.
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Despite one of my sons not making his first holy communion until May a couple of the kilt shops have actually none left for the date!!!!
Okay, I will not panic.  Huffy hates sacraments much less the crap of getting dressed up.  It is a personal choice what the kids wear but most boys wear a kilt and I dont like to go against the trend.  Jamie when he made his wore huffy’s clan tartan.  Since his surname is a good old fashioned scots one we never had a problem getting it.  I personally would go for the celtic tartan which is a nice green.  Rather than the bright red of the Kerr but me thinks if I can get any kilt it’ll be fine.
I have almost completed day 1 of lent.  Only 39 to go and it’ll be over for another year.  I felt deprived of food all day.  I’m not very good at this fasting thing.  I did welcome my bowl of hearty lentil soup but no more food until tomorrow  I’m wasting away lol. 
 I had a nice morning off but wished I had saved it until Friday.  Samantha’s funeral is on Friday.  My oldest daughter is amongst 20 kids who will be representing the school.  Funerals are hard at the best of times but for a child’s I think its tough.  Jennifer is too young to remember Jessica’s funeral, she was only 11 mths.  We have been informed it will be a high catholic funeral which means over an hour.  I remember the first one i went to.  The incense burned my nose, its a smell I dont think you ever forget.   I’m not sure Jennifer will be able to keep her emotions in check.  The kids have all been told that they can and should change there minds if they think they will start to cry.  I know my daughter thinks she’s a tough cookie but she knew Samantha, knows her little brother who is in Hope’s class.  Fk it.  If Jennifer makes the decision to go then I will just need to be an hour late for work.  Goodness, I dont know how I will react never mind Jennifer.  As easy as it is to think that she is no longer in pain and is at peace, the thought of her makes me cry.
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Thank god

This morning has been a total pain.  Kids have been snipeing at each other long before I managed to get out of bed.  Despite knowing that there stickers would not be going on there reward charts they continued.  6yr old discovered that oops he did have homework and no, he hadn’t done it yesterday.  As he struts up the stairs screaming its hard not to laugh.  His hand goes to his hip and he bellows "Ok, I wont go to school" , gives an exaggerated huff and struts up even more stairs, he reminded me of Danny La Rue lol.
Ah Lent.  I have closed off my ebay.  Stopped watching a load of stuff.  I did do this shopping bit last year so I think I’m more prepared?  I will have to buy new baby something but I will allow that, ok, not a necessity but  heh.  I have done my tai chi this morning.  I must look like a major tit dut it is very calming, even within the chaos of my world.  I dont think its connecting me to the higher universe but it is calming the inner me.  If thats all I get then thats enough.  I dont see me becoming profficient but its fun.
I have to do food shopping this morning.  A trek to Asda should be a joy.  This morning it’ll be a chore.  Basic shopping I’m not very good at but I will do it.  I’ve even wrote a list thingy so that no stray items will go into my trolley.  O how bored will I be in the run up to easter.  My shopping is hit or miss.  Throw things in the trolley and forget the essentials.
I better go get dressed.  My arms are killing me from lifting weights last night.  I hadn’t realised how out of shape my biceps are.  Lifting only 3kg of weight and this morning my arms feel like lead.
O and we have a fabulously sunny day.  Not a cloud in the sky.  Funny how that happens when the little people are safely in school.  Now where are the teenagers?  BED!!!!
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A new baby!!!

Youngest son’s best friend Dylan is a big brother.  His mum had a girl yesterday morning weighing 5lbs and 13 days early  Mum had pre-eclampsia and had a c-section in the early hrs of yesterday morning.  Baby Sophie is doing very well.  Mum is still quite poorly but hopefully will be okay.
How weird.  As one child dies another is born and so life goes on eh?? 
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