Who’s fine??

Children pick up everything.  Mine have been dropping 1 by 1 for a few days.  It started with the teenagers and sore throats, banging heads and slowly its trickled down my line.  Sick kids I could live without but since my name is Mum I guess I can live without sleep cos I dont see much of it happening over the next few nights.
 
So competition in my area has heated up with a rival opening up this morning.  I did send staff up to have a look.  I did get brave and went up myself.  It appeared my reputation had arrived before I did.  The Scottish director had been into my domain yesterday.  I knew she had been in since I had spoken to her but had no idea who she was.  Long story short, I was offered a job, money and all!!!  Head-hunted lol.  I did decline.  I am more than happy where I am.  I love most of my staff.  We have a great team but its smashing other people notice.  They have even adopted our dress code.  Teenager in White t-shirts.  Adults in white shirts and Manager in shirt & jacket.  The manager was a bit snide actually but I did the sweet smile and wished her every success.  I did mean that as a genuine comment.  There place looks fabulous, lights that work & all.
 
I’m still doing my happy thing.  As I left after my nail app yesterday I walked down the street to wait for my lift.  Just across the road they’re building 2 houses.  Some guy kept wolf whistling.  I turned around to see who was being whistled at.  Must have been the teenage guy with the dog.  The guy in the fork lift truck was waving at me but presumably he thought I was lost lol.  Women of my age dont get whistled at and I have a big enough head without thinking we do.  It did give me a smile though.  Nothing like leaving somewhere feeling great & having a stranger agree with you.  I’m getting attention from every angle right now.  Part of me wants to say too little to late but I am doing my stillness and praying that destiny will indeed lead me in another direction, sooner or later.  I have regained my inner happy, just for me and it’ll be interesting to see how long I can hang onto it.
 
I leave with something a female customer said to me this morning.  A happy vibe is a bit like daytime sex; you have to put the effort in to make it worthwhile.  I went to silence, shrugged my shoulders and winked that I had no idea, I dont.  Happy vibe though – I like.
 
light on
jacqui
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So ready for bed

Wow.  Its been a very long day.  Whenever I want a nice quiet day it never comes out that way.  Work was fine.  I had to get my nails done this afternoon but the person who cashes up has a tummy bug.  Give up my nail app?  Hmm, nope run home, get lunch, hang the washing out, go get nails done & then back to work.  Back home and dinner duty.  My brain was obviously off when I said chicken curry for dinner.  No idea what I was thinking but new nails and stripping a whole chicken don’t mix.  I made it though, not that any of the kids fancied it.  How typical is that?
 
Haven’t lifted a book all day and I dont intend to.  I’m wacked and just want to go to bed.  Actually its the perfume I’m wearing (lightbulb just flicked on).  I’m wearing serenity and I havent worn that for a couple of years.  Found it in a cupboard when I was looking for something.  Find perfume, put it on.  Maybe its just me?  I used to wear it on a Saturday, a lifetime ago when I used to get drunk in the afternoon lol.  Maybe thats why I feel sleepy.
 
Our weather is fab right now.  I here music whenever its windy and I love sitting in my garden doing the nothingness and listening to the wind.  Simple pleasures eh??  Wind chimes are gone again.  Im not bothered, I will just get new ones haha.
 
light on
jacqui

Big waves!!!!!

Before I type anything let me just type the news that Chad Kroeger was in one of my fav pubs in Glasgow on Saturday night.  If only I had known.  By the time I went searching for tickets for the concert there was none left and there they were afterwards in my pub.  GGGrrrr.  Do I need to mention that he’s the lead singer with Nickelback?  Thought not.
 
I haven’t been away.  I just retreated to learning about the Tao philosophy and became totally absorbed in the tao teachings.  The Tao teachings sit very well with my own beliefs.  It isn’t rubbed the wrong way and just gives another take.  I like the idea of just being still and doing nothing.  Safe in the knowledge that whatever is destined will happen with or without input.  That’s not acop-out thats a fact in tao.  That both the past and the present aren’t important.  The present is all we need to have.  I become totally absorbed in the peace of tao to the exclusion of everything else.  Since it was a bank holiday weekend I thought I would play catch up with my tao reading.  I’m so glad I did.
 
The world doesnt look any better.  My life is no more sorted than it has or needs to be.  The tao give a recipe for happiness as"father dies, son dies".  When this was given many failed to understand so it was offered as "son dies, father dies" as an alternative.  That they couldn’t conceive as better. The point?  Life has a natural cycle.  Sometimes it goes wacked, for whatever reason but that is part of the chain of destiny.  I was having a hard time following it until I read that.  It felt like a great weight lifting off me.  Curtains opened and I actually began to get it.  Tao is something I think you have to feel rather than learn but the philosophies are wokable, even in our modern society.
 
To stop having expectations of myself or others translates to giving all of us a break.  That includes all who read my drivel on a regular basis.  I’m not going to change my way of life.  I am changing how I look at things.  Its a bit like my gratitude prayer.  The more I find to be thankful for, the more I appreciate all I have.
 
My light is awake and happy
jacqui 

Mood therapy

Think all of my kids need some.  Middle daughter and youngest son seem determined to create war with every other child who lives around me.  My youngest son walks about with a "chib" and either uses it or threatens to.  I have explained that using a piece of wood as a weapon is just plain dumb, he’s not getting it.  So, for safety reasons I have decided to put my kids under "lockdown" until it is safe to lift my head, or there’s.
 
I have started the new Mood Therapy by Dr burns.  Its a weird book.  It follows the premis that to change your thoughts, lifts your mood.  As I read it I became aware that although I dont have depression I do have depressive thoughts surrounding one person, dont guess who.  If the book is to be believed thats my own fault.  Okay I get this.  Other people actions cannot have an effect on me unless I allow them too?  Get that too.  That in the act of getting mad whilst I get a silent stare back, its me who has lost the plot.  I think I need to read some more.  Maybe it is me who is wrong in demanding.  Maybe I do this because I am lacking as a human being.  I skipped the anger sccore sheet, maybe need to visit that today eh???  I’m not connecting with this book and that worries me.
 
 
light on
jacqui

Should I be annoyed??

I’m not even going to type about it.  Other than to say its Tuesday and I’m still waiting to get paid.  If I asked I would get a huff and paid sooner no doubt but after all I said, why should I have too?  I’m not annoyed, actually I am.  I am also doing pathetic in not asking.  It would be taken as an accusation & I cant be bothered.
 
Onwards then.  Work was a nightmare this morning.  The afternoon shift leader is on holiday.  The person left has a drink problem and the result is I’m having to take up the slack in the morning which I could live without.  I’m getting a Saturday at work.  My thanks to Donna’s grand-daughter for having a birthday. 
 
O and the emerald ring.  It could be mine for £1,495.  Hmm.  I am a bit annoyed but since it was a mistake I guess I just have to accept it was ever meant to be mine.  It wasn’t my size anyway lol..
 
Home, kids are blah, blah fine. My baby had his first visit to big school today.  With his hands in his pockets and a swagger he left my side with a see ya mum.  Never even looked back.  The day he starts school is what I’ve been preparing for but I’m sure I will still be in tears as my final one enters the door of primary school.  Big day for him but after another 6 an even bigger day for me.  I have got delivery of my first book for the week.   Mood Therapy by Dr David Burns.  Think its a bit of cognative behavioural therapy in type.  I have always thought the idea of CBT a bit on the silly side.  However I will read with an open mind and lots of free space to fill.
 
light on
jacqui

WEIRD OR JUST LUCKY??

I was just looking in ebay, like you do.  I seen a nice emerald 18ct ring.  I actually have bought a couple of items from the seller but the buy it now price was £855 lol.  A bit more than I ever pay.  It wasn’t the right size and since there was make an offer option I thought, lets play.  I offered £1.50, it does need resizing and it was made tongue in cheek.  They accepted my offer?  Seriously??  How fast did I pay.  Okay, I know they won’t sell it for £1.50 but its funny.  Maybe I will end up with an emerald ring but dont think it’ll be that one.
 
Nothing paid today, not even me.  Bank is looking sad but sad I can put up with.  Borrowed money from myself for weekly shopping but I will pay it back when I go to the bank tomorrow (I’m going to smile at that machine).  Work was busy and I should by doing something but since one of my gel nails popped off this morning in work I figure I better not do any house shit until I get it repaired on Thursday.  I just hope the glue holds.  Blooming nails and there upkeep.  Repairs, infills.  I could grow my own nails but since its the last time for a while I will have them I’m making the most of it.  I love fabulous nails.  I justify them by saying with them on I cant scratch my psoriasis so no cellulitis.  That’s got to be worth something.  I used to do them myself but its nice having them done by a professional.  Sob, I’m going to have to go back to do-it-myself for a while. 
 
light on
jacqui

Another gone

I had my sittingroom floor fixed today.  That meant moving my pc table.  Underneath I found loads of credit card bills.   Nice neat pile of bills.  I had planned to pay a couple off during the week but strarted early.  So visit to the online bank and that’s another card away.  I would cut the card up but I haven’t seen it in a long while so bye-bye to Barclaycard 1, since I have 2, dont know how that happened..  So far I have paid off my MBNA, Virgin and now Barclaycard.  I still have a few to pay but they are going, slowly but going they are.  I feel so happy paying money out, weirdly. 
 
No point in looking back.  Whenever I needed anything big for the house it was easier putting things onto cards rather than using cash that I didn’t have.  I now should have cash when I have paid off the cards.  I do still have £2,000 in cash for emergencies.  I’ve never quite got what emergency would take that kind of dosh but I do have it and that settles my mind, slightly.  All I have to do is limit my spending for a few weeks and I should be free of credit cards.
 
Blah, blah.  Weeks washing has been washed, dried, ironed and put away.  I’ve had a very productive day and thats the way I like it.  Soon to start the bath run and then bedtime for kids will be upon me.  My books for the upcoming week are slow at getting delivered so I’m back to a Lesley Granger book.  Think she writes for the Daily Mail.  Anyway I have 2 of her books.  Life Lessons I thought I would re-read.  I think its better to learn from others mistakes than bother with the hassle of doing it myself.  She is a bit sweety for my liking but as a middle aged woman who still has the question of when does my personal happy actually begin again I try to read as much as I can.  Who would have thought it possible to get into your 40’s and realise that your life is more than a touch off course.  Then panic as the realisation that you have no idea how to get it back on course.  I spent so much time in a child based dependant world that lost is how I would describe myself.  Or a work in progress.  Progress is the only option.
 
You know people who know me wouldn’t quite believe the Jacqui who writes here.  I put on this front of supreme confidence and control in the real world.  If I was my own friend I would be frustrated at having to shout Hello!!! all the time.  The confidence is from the outside.  I’m not sure what happened to the internal confidence but I need to find it again.  I have let my belief in my own ability to run my own life successfuly be corroded.  Im not sure if I did that myself or whether others have had a subtle input into that.  For someone who is self-centered I really have lost the plot lol..
 
Light on
jacqui