Nicotine monster

OMG.  The first day of no nicotine and its easy/hard.  Its all in the perspective I guess.  I have had no mood tantrums but its still early days for me.  I am full of determination that I will never smoke another cigarette.  I also have no doubt that I will have days when I will long for a ciggie.  Today I’m just feeling a little smug and pity for those who are still smoking.  I can’t smoke ever again and I am continually saying in my head I’ve given up nothing, I dont want a cigarette.  Its just my nicotine monster thats trying to trick my into having a puff.  I wont.  I just need to learn to enjoy the voice in my head.  I will survive and like it or not.  I have stopped smoking.  Life goes on and its all good. 
Nothing in life seems more important today than not smoking.  I have to remember I am doing this because I want to and no little voice in my head is going to change my mind.
Light on

Not as planned

My youngest had a very trying day.  He couldnt find his water bottle this morning.  Long story cut short he went to school.  He did stand in his line long enough for his teacher to come out and then he ran, all the way home.  It seemed easier for his Dad to let him run home than stop him?   My front door was open and he came sobbing up the stairs.  Shoes already off and undoing his trousers.  He did go to school but it was a horrible start to my day.  I think it was worse for him but he survived it and so did I.
So big decision made.  I have been thinking about the stupidity of smoking.  I have smoked for many years, hitting 30 a day.  I am neither dim or dumb.  I know the only thing that is waiting for me is chain-smoking.  Every couple of years the number I smoke creeps up.  I’m the all or nothing type  I buy 140 cigs every Saturday.  I also have to buy more mid-week.  I have 20 left before I have to open a 100 pack.  I’m not going to open that packet; ever.  When I have finished that twenty packet I am done smoking.  Yep, just like that.  No whining, no hard time just stopped.  Not given up.  There really isnt anyting to give up is there.  I’m a ratty cow with them so dont see that changing.  I have money in my pocket anyway so that wont change.  Alarmingly I have never had a smokers cough and that is the most frightening of all.  Coughing would move the tar and crap from my lungs and since I dont I’m scared to even think what my lungs are like.  I do have a carbon read-out of a non-smoker anyway but thats not the point.  I need to stop, now.  I’m not into the thought that us smokers are weak-willed, can’t live without a hit of nicotine.  I have never considered quitting before without the use of nicotine replacement but where will that get me.  The black cloud of nicotine would just take longer to dissolve.  It takes 3wks to kill the addiction and if it took 3yrs I can do it.  I have no idea why I’m so certain that I can.  I just have no fear anymore.
Maybe I’m just ready.  I dont see there being anything to lose in stopping but everything to gain.  Tomorrow I will run out of open cigarettes and you know how I think I will feel.  No fear.  Just relief that my smoking has finally ended.  I’m feeling excited about being a non-smoker and I dont need luck or will-power.  All I need is the knowledge that when they are done, I am.
Light on

and so it goes on

Kids are off school.  Bank holidays are a blessing.  I got to stay in bed till 9am.  No fighting this morning.  The weirdness did hit me but I’m grooving with it.  I am not looking forward to moving my fridge freezers but I will.  The stillness outside suggests that today is going to be just dull blah-blah,.  The bedding can stay in my cupboard and I can just wash anythig else from yesterday.
My nicotine monster kicked in the minute I put my feet on the floor.  I hate smoking.  I hate spending money on it and I feel a fool the minute I have put the little stick thingy in my mouth and so the addiction begins again.  I am beginning to get a lightbulb about nicotine and the effects of it.  I’ve been smoking for 29yrs and its all a bit of a waste isn’t it.  Ah well, I will work that one out on my own.  No comment required.  Unless you’ve been a smoker or are, you wont get it.  I dont get it and heh, moving on.
I’m off.  The kids have been promised that they can go somewhere today.  I dont go.  I dont like my children being used to score brownie points and thats exactly what that is.  Happy kids are the best in the world but dont involve me in agenda targets.
light on

I thought it would help

Remembering to take my beta-blocker today.  Sunday means I usually don’t remember till bedtime and I think it has an effect on my mood.  If it does I didnt notice, I hate Sunday.  I have managed to almost catch up on my washing.  I only have 1 bag full of bedding and its back to washing everyday because I have to. I’m the only one who gets the importance of washing, drying and putting away on the same day so yesterdays is still sitting on my worktop, glaring at me.  Tomorrow is another day and I’m not touching it till then.  It does irritate the hell out of me.  I am of the opinion if it doesnt bother anyone else it shouldnt bother me.  Okay, it does but fk it.  I had more important things to do today.
I bought 4 new lamps yesterday.  Such is the congestion of furniture in my tiny sitting-room before I can plug them in I needed to move furniture to get to the sockets.  Easy job lol.  I first move the biggest of my 3 sofa’s.  Kiddies like to drop things down the recliners so I have a mound of socks and various rubbish to lift before I can move my bookcase out,.  So do I empty bookcase or just pull it along the floor.  O such a tough choice.  I pull it, I did scrape the floor but who can see it? Well me but since no one will ever clean it  (I will, no one else) who cares cos I dont.  Anyway Henry is bright with a lamp behind him.  The shadow on my ceiling is amazing.  I only got that one done before I had to make lunch today.  I got left to it.  After feeding them its onto sofa 2 and another mound of shit.  I did find £3 and a school tie lost over a week ago.  And fk can I have some skirting board please.  Unfinished jobs piss me off.  No skiring boards really annoys the hell out of me.   I am good thoug, never say a word.  Dont want to put anyone out with emands do I.   Volcano rising.   Ah hell at least my last sofa is in front of my radiator so couldn’t see skirting board anyway.  My cleaning thing is maybe going a bit to far.  Tv unit and pc table were pulled out and cleaned behind.  I’m on a roll and only stop because washing needed seen to.  I kinda give up.  Lazy, I cant help it.  I did fit in the cleaning of my bathroom and toilet so I did keep busy.
I am excited about tomorrow little tasks.  My coat cupboard is high again. I found a bag of clean washing it it yesterday and pretended I hadn’t seen it.  Well, tomorrow there will be no hiding.  I am going to move my Black fridgefreezer and swap its space with my silver one.  I’m not sure how that’ll work but I can but try.  I’m going to paint my kitchen.  Red is the colour I’m thinking about.  Red goes very well with black.  2nd daughter had a moment with a set of drawers today and broke a drawer.  The resident cabinet maker threw his dummy shouting well I’m not bloody fixing it.  I gave the reply well thats not very nice.  How about if I said well, I’m not paying for anything in this house.  Would that be fair.  Why have a skill and not use it when its required.  I think thats just bloody childish.  So childish dinner was slammed on the table he huffed upstairs and sat dozing off till kids bedtime.   The communication in my world is astounding.  I am as bad but actually I do my very best whilst its okay for him to do half hearted attempts at things.  Mental note to self: Fkn mug!!! 
Well home alone – again.  Jamie is sitting in his GF’s watching her tv and I have the company of my 12yr old.  No I’m not bitter.  I’m fed up with my own company but thats someone elses choice and its all good.  They earn there money, I sit home alone.  What could be fairer.  He told me a story on Friday night about a woman who kicked her H out cos he spent more time watching football than he did with her.  I felt like saying at least he was in the same house.   I neeed to get busy.  My brain almost went to questioning why is he still here and I cant be doing that thinking shit.  I would open a bottle of wine but I hate the stuff and I got no mixers for a proper drink.  I hope your all well and a bit happier than I am.
Lights on

Before I begin

This will appear random to most but before I forget.  I am not and never was a big fan of Chumbawumba.  There music is a bit on the heavy side for me.  Anyway, reading something this morning there track I get Knocked down,  came into my head.  If you dont know it its a track about getting knocked down (ok, a bit obvious) but its also about getting back up.  The defiance of adulthood eh??  I didnt discover the theory of being a back-burner chick until I was really old.  Keep in touch, keep a tentative toe of appreciation and they will stay hooked.  Don’t stay hooked.  Don’t even consider caring.  I used to be the turn the other cheek when someone slapped me.  Honestly, my cheeks are way to pretty to be smacked once never mind twice.  The world is full of caring people.  People who wont rip the pish.  People who wont use, abuse or manipulate.  We have a choice.  Wise up and dont be manipulated.  You have the control of your life.  Now what you going to do with it.  Be at the beck and call of someone who should be long gone or start doing your own thing??
Ok.  I’m back.  Well would you believe no rain.  How totally typical is that.  I did hang another washing out last night at 10.30pm and its almost dry.  I know.  Your thinking what a bloody exciting life she has.  I know, I thank the world everyday that I have chores to keep me busy.  Its a small tip but an important one.  Silly house shit stops the brain from going to places it shouldn’t.  Who doesnt remember my Friday nights??  A few actually but that happy was never real.  House shit is real.  Oh how much I have learned.  I moved my butchers block in my kitchen last night, cleaned the floor beneath it and actually enjoyed it!!  Who knew it could be so satisfying.  Not my idea of fun but you got to take it from what you have.  My right now may not be exciting but its all the right now I got.  Last night I figured I might as well be busy as sitting doing nothing.  I just mind nothing at night.  I never have nothing during daylight hours and I’m not very good with it at night.  I can go and sit in my garden.  I do love the stillness of night.  Sadly the jakes of my area are all high or drunk so the noise they make cuts through the stillness and spoil it.  The dickhead who lives next door creeps out into his garden to put his bin out.  I sometimes feel like shouting Boo but he would shit himself and whilst I would find that amusing, hes not worth my time or annoyance.  I am calm and worthy lol..
Saturday.  I’m never sure how my Saturday will pan out.  Kate is very mood based and it depends on what kind of mood she is in as to whether its fun or not.  I try to remember that she only sees carers during the week so tend to let her go in whatever direction she chooses but she’s still hanging onto Noddy and it peeves me to sit listening to bla-bla.  I may get my Noddy tattoo changed.  It would piss her off and I wouldnt need to see the bloody thing.  I used to like Noddy.  Now he just makes me angry lala.  Now I’ve mentioned him I need to think happy self thoughts.  So what can I clean before I go lol..
You know what, my cleaning thing is a bit of defiance.  Peeps are in here during the day a lot more than me and do a lot less.  The volcano that was me would have exploded.  I am in a happier place so I’ve stopped doing that and its great.  I get things cleaned no one else even sees and I dont care.  The simple answer is to fill every minute of right now with things that please self cos at the end of the day who matter?  Easy in my life, I do, okay there are others but I should be at the very top of my list – so there.
Light happlily on

I hate the smell of Flash

Flash with bleach is a fab cleaner.  The smell is rank but its cleaning power is fantastic.  Oh god.  I must be getting high   on the fumes cos me and cleaning?  Its something I do not enjoy.  And why do I keep cleaning skirting boards??  Its a change from in and out to the garden, hanging up washing.  Then taking it in.  Bloody rain.  The washing is back out.  I dont care if it rains; its out and its staying out.
My 2nd son and I washed our windows this morning.  I know.  Just shows how bored I am, another day of lala house shit thingy.  Haha.   I put my Yucca plant into the sitting room.  My Yucca is called Henry.  I do talk to it, helps it grow lol.  I have promised when it hits my ceiling I shall move it to another area of my house.  Until then its going to live beside my bookcase.  Looking out over my large tree.  Probably wishing it was outside away from the noise in here.  Weirdly, the only noise currently is the sound of me shouting haha.  Only 4 kids in this room but they all make noise of some kind and its doing my head in today.  Children sitting about in front of that Tv annoys the hell out of me.  I’m tempted to type wouldnt have happened when I was a kid but not every child had TV banned.  I dont mind that I dont do Tv, I just wish it was a habit my kids didnt get.
So 7 kids are now all here.  A visit to the garage for milk and a tenner is gone.  Its treat time, sweets.  Ok that means they’re about to get a sugar rush.  Thats my queue for exit.  I do have a btl of diet irn-bru to drink so I’m off into the garden where I will be seen blowing a smoke haze shortly.  I have got a pkt of choc butons but think I might just save them.  Its unusual for me to have something without them finding it.  They were bought for me by a woman I work with.  She said I dont know why but I bought them for you.  Think she was sweetening me up for the question "are you pregnant cos your glowing".  Amazing what bronzing pearls can do eh?
Light on happily

and so

It rained, all night.  Blooming school sweatshirts.  Why can manufacturers not make them tumble drier proof.   So school washing has been brought back in and put back in the washing machine.  Makes my efforts a bit of a waste last night.  At least I got to read through some past journal entries.  That passed some time.  I have a list of house stuff to do today.  List are fab.  I get to tick things off as I go.   Lalala 
I finally bought a VCR.  Say what you like but video’s stand up to whatever kids chuck at them.  I buy mine from work.  10 for £1.00 and my children will happily sit and watch a whole film is silence.  I actually get bored rigid watching any film but if it keeps them happy and quiet its got to be good.  I should be doing my list but??  Cant think why I’m not.  Kids are half way through Batman & robin.  Even George Clooney couldnt make me watch Tv. 
With that I’m going to find my list and get moving..
light on