No title

I missed this morning.  I’m going back to journal or at last trying to.  I want to see if it still works for me.  I struggle to write things in a way I never did before.  I dont know whether its age, the fact I’m a parent or whether I’ve grown apathetic o my own life.  Why worry about things today when you can just put them off.  Another tme will do.  Negate responsibility and forget that stuff matters.  Maybe I’m scared.  Maybe if I do write it’ll show up stuff that I would rather not deal with.  I guess thats ok.  I just wonder how many times in life I wont ask the questions that I know I should.
 
Maybe I’m needing to chuck my ipod?  Music.  I love my music and yet, despite changing it its just not movin me the same anymore.  Think I need a sleep.
 
lght on
jacqui
Advertisements

bloody school clubs

Okay I’m here because this is more appealing that what I actually have to do this evening.  I have the girls bedroom to clean.  The floor is in there.  I’m sure I left one.  Think it has a cream carpet although I cant be sure.  I cant see any of the fkn floor (when I think the f word I do not abrieviate btw).  I can feel my rage welling.  The girls where given 48hrs to clean it or there would be dire consequences.  Ok the dire consequences are I cant get my bloody furniture out of my sitting room since its there room accross the hall;  why cant they just follow a simple polite instruction.  Bloody weans (the scot comes out when I’m pissed off). 
 
 Its like a conversation I had last night coming back from my friends house.  Its only 5 doors away but between her door and mine a guy walks towards me "huv yea goat a fag, uf ran oot an the garage is shut, yeh canny git a fag fur luv oor fk all"  Ok, it reads like its spoken so I reply Nogh a dont anif I hud why wud I giv u wan?  Huv ye no goat any at’o.  Ok boredom has set in and I say a dont smoke, he knows I’m lying but heh.   Off he trots to find someone kind enough to give him a cigarette.  I just dont see the question of huv yea a fag as a winner.
 
At work the text information has to start tomorrow.  We have to give one fact that is true about ourselves.  It wont be commented on or shared.  So if  I have your mobile number the text you will receive will not be for you but for a general all so if you get one that says I have tried every position in the Karma Sutra just ignore it.   I cant wait for them to not comment.
 
Enjoy your evening
light on
jacqui

End of

A very long day.  I’m just glad to be home.  I was busy at work.  Off to Asda for the food shop and then bought the kitchen table.  I dont like pine.  It has pathetic legs and its finished badly.  I could get out my sander and sort it but to be honest after spending £300 on it think the finish will just have to do.  Why is it that nowadays wood just cant be left alone.  Everything needs to be "aged".  Pine is a beautiful wood and it ages well, if left alone.  Ah well saves waiting for years I guess.  It’ll do, for now.  The great positive is the kids can all sit together to eat.  The teeny small little negative is I havent even began to cook this evening.  Tonight I have a fridge full of food and nothing prepared.  I have a new eye glass to play with so have been checking all my hallmarks haha.  Actually I have found that 3 bangles that I thought were cheap tat (H bought them) are actually 9ct gold.  I can wear them now lol.  Okay so the 20 bangles I now have on look excessive but at least I know they’re all real.
 
Tomorrow I’m getting my sitting-room floor fitted.  My table is being delivered and I have to fit in some blood tests.  My head is so far up my arse currently I forgot about my flu jab.  Get this the surgery telephoned to tell me I had missed it and should phone to make another one.  What a complete waste of time. ah well.  Think I better go see what I can cook.  I have checked and signed all homework so now, I can be free lol..
 
living in light & hope
jacqui

I dont know why

Some people I work with the dont know each other enough.  I dont have a problem with not knowing them.  Whilst most are very nice they’re not the type of people I would normally know anything about.  It was discussed yesterday that we should start something fun that would increase our knowledge about each other.  I would have suggested they pop in here and have a read from the past couple of years.  Here they would find the reason why I work.  The reason why I ask myself rediculous questions and why I say everything is all good.  Except here misses the essence of me lol..
 
The suggestion I think that we send a text every morning with something we wouldnt normally know is a good one.  I think if we could send randomly it would be more interesting.  I think we should just go on another night out but sit besde somone from the other shift because I dont know any of them.  Trouble with that is being home before 9.30pm doesnt leave much time to find anything out.  One thing I am sure about.  Most of them have had much more colourful lives.  My little chatterbox is saying but who needs exciting eh??
 
Chatterbox moves in, time for me to go..
 
light on
jacq

Its so much fun

When I get to spend money.  The flooring in my sitting room is about to be changed.  I didnt get the expensive one I would have liked but I couldnt justify it.  Add on the paint and underlay and loads of money gone.  Onto my toilet and a change of washhand basin.  I have went for a teeny coner one in a shade of cornflower blue.  Its actually a cute wee thing and £50 is a brill price me thinks.  Ok so now I just need to find a plumber guy and it’ll be done.   I’m thinking of getting my entire toilet tiled as I do know a tiler but tiles I’m not keen on.  Its a simple solution to my horrible walls.  I also need an electrician to put in my sunken lights in my toilet & hall.  Hhmm and someone to lay my floor but I may have one fo them if I talk to his partner nicely.  The painting I can cover with the help of teenager and kitchen blinds are being changed from wooden venetians to roman blinds so I can cope with them.  I did resist a wonderful table lamp at John Lewis’s for £150.  I would have bought it but I dont have any room for a lamp as beautiful as it is and the only one who would appreciate it would be me so no sale.  That could change.
 
I also have my eyes on a wonderful kitchen table.  The only problem is its pine.  Pine tables remind me of student life.  I think as a responsible grown up I should be perhaps going for something like a mahogany even if it is veneer.  I hate having to pull out my 2 tables for dinner and it would be nice if we could all sit down together, at the same table.  I will have a look about but finding a table for everyday use that sits 10 people isn’t easy and I have tried.  Ah well at least the table can go smaller if required (haha) and it is big enough.  Bigger picure is saying just buy it.  O thank god its not lent.
 
Now all I have to do is figure out how to take my sofa’s apart and work out where the hell I’m going to put 3 large sofa’s when I’m getting my floor laid.  How do you get recliners apart?  They had to be brought into house in bits.  Narrow front door means everthing is pulled apart.  Even my beloved fridge freezer had the 2 doors off before it wouldn’t fit.    My girls have until tomorrow to tidy there room.  Its getting to the point where its just not safe and thats not an option.  I have also decided that the 3 younger boys need a bigger room.  Since the only bigger room available is mine I’m up for moving into there 9′ by10 and just have a bed.  Only thing I need is a bed.  My wardrobe would have to stay in there room.  It does have lockable doors so they couldnt get to anything.  Its either that or attempt to find a 5 bed house.  The new estate being built along from where I currently live has them but whilst I live in a crap area its home.  Everyone knows me.  Maybe thats more of a reason to move than not.  I dont know.  I’ve put a lot of effort into this place but its only a space.
 
The answer to the tug of war question.  Its funny.  Many will think of it as losing but its in the perspective.  You just need to let go of the rope.  Its simple, effective and it ends the war.  Parenting is a longer, slower process.  Its a bit like living for me.  I never see a day when I wont be parenting.  Even when my kids are grown-up, I will still be Mum and worry.  For me its back to chore and behaviour charts.  Everytime I start them I give up.  I need to be consistent and firm.  I also need to let go of my own expectations and allow it a chance.  That means the 3 attempts rule is out of play and patience is in.  Its funny but when I started focussing on just keeping my sitting-room neat and tidy other places started being the same way.  Keeping a space neat just means that cleaning somewhere else is something that I do without even thinking about it.  Smart eh??
 
jacqui