Archive | January 2010

honestly

I had been looking forward to my birthday lunch with my sister.  Didnt go the way I envisaged.  My limited diet meant I was on grilled fish with new potatoes and fruit.  I had suggested our local pizza hut which has a fab salad bar but I found out later that she was planning on a takeaway of pizza to follow her 3 course lunch.  OMG can that woman put food away and it shows.  For a woman who has very limited mobility she doesnt seem to ever grasp that losing the excess wieght she carries might just help her.  I hold her up as an example of what not to do.  I would be losing some of the excess not increasing it.
 
The presents were painful and thats me being nice.  I got exfoliaing gloves, not a great idea for someone who has psoriasis.  God I felt itchy just looking at them   Pot pourrri, I would say why but cant be bothered.  Who the hell gives anyone pot pourri.  A stylophne, something I wanted when I was a kid.  Left that dream behind many years ago and dont know why.  Eye cream-you know, for the bags under my eyes.  Hair remover-for the tash I’m developing.  2 pair of my boxer shorts cos she bought them for herself and never got round to using them and a silver bangle that fits my 12yr old and I’m a bit bigger.  O and some weird paper weight?  I kinda let my brain trip with ever item thinking why?  Who uses paper weights or are they just for decoration?  Trust me anyone who knows my kids would nod when I say lethal weapons I don not allow  This was the list from the woman who has been harping about my birthday since Christmas.  I felt like say honestly love you really shouldn’t have went to so much trouble.  The only thing she gave me that I will use is 2 small charms for my sweetie bracelet.  Everything else was a total piss take I think.  If it wasn’t, it should have been.  Thats not ungrateful, thats honesty
 
Anyway things got worse.  Hours in her house of talk about her meds &  excersise or my view her lack of it lead to her getting on the floor and showing me she either doesnt do it or.  There is no or.  Excersise is basic.  If you repeat the same movement everyday and as she suggests at 50 reps sorry but you are at least going to be able to perform the movement.  If you spend 2hrs a day doing floor excersises your fitness level will have increased over 4 months and you shouldnt be putting weight on.  The thing I love about excersise is its a very basic equation.  You can try and lie but if you cant even manage one rep you aint doing 50.  
 
Onto the worstest (dont care if its not a word, it is now).  Her telephone always rings a few times on a Saturday afternoon.  She never answers though if prompted she will 1471 and check, never listens for any message.  I find that annoying but its her house, her rules.  Anyway just as I’m preparing to leave my house telephones according to her 1471.  I try to appear calm and ring my house phone.  My mobile has no reception in her area so the only way I can be contacted is through her phone.  My house is engaged.  I try one of the kids mobiles to be told someone must have sat on it and hit last number redial.  It set me thinking though.  What if there had been a real emergency and they did try to phone me via her phone.   Okay I could change my network provider but wont.   Precious minutes would be lost because no one picks up.  That I find worrying to the extent that I’m seriously considering not going to her house anymore on a Saturday.  Trouble with that though is shes about to start a new drug protocol and one of the new drugs can cause severe depression.  Okay she is on an anti-depression med already and does suffer from depression but what if she does go into one and because I’m only seeing her outside dont notice. 
 
 See where I’m going.  Jacqui’s I’m full of responsibility hat is stuck on my head again.  Honestly, judging by what she gave me for my birthday she’s already lost it.  Seriously, I think I need to step back and let her take responsibility for herself for a while without me prodding her.  Actually we have 2 parents. still alive and well only a 10min taxi ride away from her.  Is it unfair to attempt to pass the buck onto them?   Its always been me who makes sure she’s okay and I feel sometimes like a spy rather tha her sister.  I watch her tremor.  I ask about her meds.  I try to gauge where her head is at and that shes safe on her own.   Why does it fall onto me when they dont ever see her.
 
Okay, I’m off for a shower and I have some house thingy to be doing plus my standard 3hrs ironing on a Sunday..
 
I might see if I can pop back later and actually do an entry that doesnt involve anyone but me.  Thats why this is called jacqui’s afterall.
 
light on
jacqui