honestly

I had been looking forward to my birthday lunch with my sister.  Didnt go the way I envisaged.  My limited diet meant I was on grilled fish with new potatoes and fruit.  I had suggested our local pizza hut which has a fab salad bar but I found out later that she was planning on a takeaway of pizza to follow her 3 course lunch.  OMG can that woman put food away and it shows.  For a woman who has very limited mobility she doesnt seem to ever grasp that losing the excess wieght she carries might just help her.  I hold her up as an example of what not to do.  I would be losing some of the excess not increasing it.
 
The presents were painful and thats me being nice.  I got exfoliaing gloves, not a great idea for someone who has psoriasis.  God I felt itchy just looking at them   Pot pourrri, I would say why but cant be bothered.  Who the hell gives anyone pot pourri.  A stylophne, something I wanted when I was a kid.  Left that dream behind many years ago and dont know why.  Eye cream-you know, for the bags under my eyes.  Hair remover-for the tash I’m developing.  2 pair of my boxer shorts cos she bought them for herself and never got round to using them and a silver bangle that fits my 12yr old and I’m a bit bigger.  O and some weird paper weight?  I kinda let my brain trip with ever item thinking why?  Who uses paper weights or are they just for decoration?  Trust me anyone who knows my kids would nod when I say lethal weapons I don not allow  This was the list from the woman who has been harping about my birthday since Christmas.  I felt like say honestly love you really shouldn’t have went to so much trouble.  The only thing she gave me that I will use is 2 small charms for my sweetie bracelet.  Everything else was a total piss take I think.  If it wasn’t, it should have been.  Thats not ungrateful, thats honesty
 
Anyway things got worse.  Hours in her house of talk about her meds &  excersise or my view her lack of it lead to her getting on the floor and showing me she either doesnt do it or.  There is no or.  Excersise is basic.  If you repeat the same movement everyday and as she suggests at 50 reps sorry but you are at least going to be able to perform the movement.  If you spend 2hrs a day doing floor excersises your fitness level will have increased over 4 months and you shouldnt be putting weight on.  The thing I love about excersise is its a very basic equation.  You can try and lie but if you cant even manage one rep you aint doing 50.  
 
Onto the worstest (dont care if its not a word, it is now).  Her telephone always rings a few times on a Saturday afternoon.  She never answers though if prompted she will 1471 and check, never listens for any message.  I find that annoying but its her house, her rules.  Anyway just as I’m preparing to leave my house telephones according to her 1471.  I try to appear calm and ring my house phone.  My mobile has no reception in her area so the only way I can be contacted is through her phone.  My house is engaged.  I try one of the kids mobiles to be told someone must have sat on it and hit last number redial.  It set me thinking though.  What if there had been a real emergency and they did try to phone me via her phone.   Okay I could change my network provider but wont.   Precious minutes would be lost because no one picks up.  That I find worrying to the extent that I’m seriously considering not going to her house anymore on a Saturday.  Trouble with that though is shes about to start a new drug protocol and one of the new drugs can cause severe depression.  Okay she is on an anti-depression med already and does suffer from depression but what if she does go into one and because I’m only seeing her outside dont notice. 
 
 See where I’m going.  Jacqui’s I’m full of responsibility hat is stuck on my head again.  Honestly, judging by what she gave me for my birthday she’s already lost it.  Seriously, I think I need to step back and let her take responsibility for herself for a while without me prodding her.  Actually we have 2 parents. still alive and well only a 10min taxi ride away from her.  Is it unfair to attempt to pass the buck onto them?   Its always been me who makes sure she’s okay and I feel sometimes like a spy rather tha her sister.  I watch her tremor.  I ask about her meds.  I try to gauge where her head is at and that shes safe on her own.   Why does it fall onto me when they dont ever see her.
 
Okay, I’m off for a shower and I have some house thingy to be doing plus my standard 3hrs ironing on a Sunday..
 
I might see if I can pop back later and actually do an entry that doesnt involve anyone but me.  Thats why this is called jacqui’s afterall.
 
light on
jacqui
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Its just a pain

O but its a sore pain.  I had 7 children in under 7yrs.  By the time I was pregnant with baby 6 my gallbladder was riddled with stones and being to be a touch painful.  During that pregnancy my stones grew in size and I lost 7 stone.  Couldnt bloody eat for pain.  Ok, I obviously had the spare but I never wanted that pain again.  I have always watched what I ate and drank.  My gallbladder cushioned like one of my children.
 
So I adopted a very low fat diet.  I stay away from high fat food.  Even over loading on skimmed milk is enough to set my gallbladder off.  Sometimes, the fine line between to much and to little kicks in and I have to adjust my diet to avoid the pain.  Yesterday I had the usual amount of coffee with my milk, gallons.  One slice of toast with some spread and I felt the grumble start late afternoon.  I swallowed a couple of painkillers which is unusal for me.  They seemed to work quickly so I prepared dinner and sat down with the kids.  Battered fish, not to bad.  Half a slice of fish and I feel weird.  I almost felt full to bursting and couldnt breathe.  I went to the toilet and it hit, the pain.  So intense I couldnt speak.  I felt like I couldnt breathe the pain was so bad.  I’m sweating, shaking and I know that the spasm can last anywhere between minutes and hours so tell eldest to text his dad.  Long story short, pain lasted in total no more than 20 minutes and its gone, like it never was. 
 
 Except it bloody was & I remember.  Today has seen lots of peppermint tea and a sandwich with no spread, just mustard and chicken.  I hate peppermint tea and I’m just a little bit on the cranky side from missing my coffee.  Pain I can live without though.  I’m having a bowl of porridge tonight.  Only think thats getting added is salt and skimmed milk.  O I forgot I did have a treat today, 2 satsumas.  I’m supposed to be going out for lunch tomorrow.  I’m going to be spoilt for choice, a baked potato or salad, hhmm.  Must go and have a think about that.
 
Have a great weekend
light on brightly
jacqui

The after thought explodes

Had I realised how bloody tough it would be fitting my 7 children into a 4 bed house I may have thought twice.  The idea of buying 2 wardrobes seemed like a lightbulb moment but the after thought has a name and his name is Nicky.  My 3 youngest sons are 9,7 & 5.  They are supposed to share a bedroom.  There bedroom is only big enough to fit 1 set of bunk beds so youngest has a roll out bed under his 2 brothers.  His clothes are drawered outside the bedroom.  I actually felt pleased that I managed to find a huge 12 drawer solid wood set that withstands even my children.  Nicky’s clothes are all neatly ironed and work well in the drawers, at least for me.  I close my eyes to the mountain everyone seems to chuck on top and as I dont go up the top of the house much I thought the system worked well.  It did, until he seen the new wardrobes and cant get his head around the fact that not only does he not have a proper bed he isnt even worth a wardrobe.  What can I say to him, ah your right son but thats life?
 
I would happily buy a new wardrobe for Nicky.  There is a set of drawers that could be removed and a wardrobe put in.  O except Jack needs his tv so no other wardrobe can be put in the room.  Where would the tv go.  I do get Nicky’s point.  i think its a very valid one.  I wouldnt want to be squeezed into a room where it was obvious I wasnt welcome.  No wonder he sleeps with me.  I guess I knew this problem would surface.  I just thought maybe as the boys got older they would come to think of it as them against me.  Never did I think the other 2 would turn on the youngest and freeze him out.
 
I cant be bothered now.  The shine has shifted from the new wardrobes and all I can see is a mountain of hard work.  Its always simpler to stuff clothes from there drawers, all ironed and folded into black bags cos she being me has nothing to do but sit on her arse, does she.  Of course she can find coathangers and hang ever single item up, work out who’s is whos and get the agreement of those involved.  Honestly, parenting is a battle with very little compromise.  I have seen that my 9yr old has been pandered to with every tracksuit known to man hanging in his new wardrobe.  i would say thats because thats were the sizing starts but honestly, hes a spoilt brat who really doesnt deserve it.  My 7yr old just doesnt show an interest in clothes so he gets when he needs which is crap of me.
 
I’m totally at a loss what to do.  Now I have the 18yr old pouting cos I had said I would replace his furniture first.  The younger boys got theres from a sale and didnt mind what they got.  18yr old has different ideas and frankly he hasnt mastered the art of opening a drawer yet without pulling the drawer front off.  He once moved 2 sets of drawers and put them back upside down, they still are lol..
 
Onwards and a dinner to cook.  I may go back to the boys room later, one more bag to get through and I can get the iron out.  The joys..
 
light bright
jacqui
 
 

I digress

Ok, Malcolm I expect you to know the answer.  This has been annoyig me half the day.  Who had a hit with Promises, promises.  I’m not sure thats what it was called but it had the line "you made me promises, promises you knew you’d never keep".  My brain thinks it was a male artist but can I remember? nope.  Anyway today has been a day of promising to myself in my insane way.
 
I promised I wouldnt feel bored in work today (half managed).  I promised I would do my weekly asda shop ( haha, nope).  I promised I wouldn’t buy anything from work (big fail).  I promised I wouldn’t take any bullshit crap from anyone.  O what a big success.  Yippeee hypocondriac united was told to get a grip and what a look he gave me.  Honestly a 46yrold man thinking he’s about to peg it from everything and anything.  Sweet really, he reminds me of my Dad.  Okay my dad is over 70yrs and I tell him the same thing so why a younger man thought he could moan heaven knows.
 
So promises, promises do work or maybe just when I apply myself haha.
 
Okay the exciting world of washing awaits me.  Beds to change.  Washing machine to unload into the tumble drir to get reloaded.  O what an exciting life I have.  I could actually sit and watch my washing machine spinning the clothes for however long the cycle lasts but since I dont ever want piles think I better busy myself with dinner prep.  Last night I cooked 8 different meals.  Everyone ate at different times and I hated it.  I like family meal times.  I like going around the table asking them all how there day was.  Last night was pathetic, one daughter and a fine was the answer.  Tonight I’m only cooking 2 meals and in the words of my Dad "If ye dont want it, leave it , makes nae odds"  Never got what the odds bit meant but I always ate..
 
light on
jacqui

Thankfully

My eldest is sounding better.  I think perhaps he managed to get some sleep last night.  I dont like the idea of any of my children up and awake during the night even if it is the grown up one. 
 
I had an uncomfortable moment yesterday when bumping into one of my cousins I had to tell him I seen his 16yr old son drunk or high on Saturday afternoon.  Even with him I go to parent mode.  I’m not sure he will be able to help but I threatened him as I did his son.  Sort it out or I’ll go to your Mother.  Seemed to work, fingers crossed.
 
Today I’m buying my small boys 2 wardrobes.  The clothes rails do work, just not for me.  They do use them but seeing all the clothes sitting on them makes me cringe so there teeny room has been worked and 2 small wardrobes can fit.  Just need to pick the clothes up off the floor and we’re good to go.
 
Light on
jacqui

New perspective

Its nice when people’s lives slot together.  When they think/feel life has thrown a curve ball and they get back on track.  I think its lovely and I wish them well.  The mature cynic in me is not so sure but if I bring maybe in, anything is possible.  Just reaching for the heavens maybe just enough.  When I look at the rain soaked ground I never see mud I just see potential.  All I would type is dont let anyone rip the piss more than once, twice and your doing it to yourself.  The old romantics amongst us need to get a grip on reality before anyone can say told you.  Except we dont do we..
 
Work is just fine.  Kids are all healthy with the exception of eldest who isnt taking care of himself so has pluerisy and is pretty poorly but he will recover, just as my bank balance will.  Money is about to be paid back in installments and I am full of hope it will be (eileen, was that a sigh lol..).  Me, I’m older and self is happier than just enough needs.  I have enough happy to last thru the crap bits.  Enough money to last thru the skint times and enough kids to well, last a lifetime.  I’m off tomorrow to see my best friend and I have enough friends to last till I meet new ones.  Im in a sorted zone and I’m cementing myself in.
 
Light on brightly
jacqui

Funny as F

Today is my birthday.  I did go to work though didnt expect to.  Last week there was a female in my home town with the same name as me who was 40 on Saturday.  The people I work with work off dim because despite showing a picture of a woman who looks nothing like me decided it must be me.  mad dash around and a huge cake was ordered, an ipod bought and a gift voucher for me for Next.  I did point out that I am older than 40 although I do lie and didnt admit to being 45 but it was a huge laugh.
 
Lights in the shop were put out and the cake with candles brought in much to my embarassment.  I cant remember the last birthday I had so much fun on.  Jamie bought me a fantastic locket I had shown him as a joke.  Other kids bought charms for my links sweetie bracelet and mum gave me cash.  I was even taken to lunch and had a couple of drinks.  I wont mention that its also my wedding anniversary.  Only dim fks get married on there birthdays.  Not a mistake I would make again..
 
Im off to get my take-away pizza before I go back to moaning about being skint.
 
Light on
jacqui