Magic wand time

Earlier this month I put my kids on lockdown.  This was following a visit from a rather superior woman who lives just across from me.  Despite having 3 children of her own she just isn’t kid friendly.  Certainly not kids who think and talk for themselves.  She once called my children animals in front of 2nd son.  I did wait until my son was out of ear shot before I threatened her & I meant it.  Superior woman I just dont like.  She’s one of those women who gives off attitude with no substance.  Anyway last time she appeared at my door following her daughter damaging a lovely audi parked outside I told her to find somewhere else to live since everyone here is on the rough side & not to her liking.  I would point out I was not at the door but talking out a window.  Person who answered the door did tell her that at least my teenager knew how to conduct himself unlike hers who’s a tart who wears her skirts up her arse (we Glasweigns can be so common, I know).  Anyway, given this is true she walked away.  She walked away calling me a slut under her breath.  At the time I wasnt told this.  A slut??
Well her removal van arrived.  I was leaving so thought I would give a parting shot.  Me a slut?  How many children do you have 3 to how many fathers 3.  How many times have you been married?  None.  How often do you have a new boyfriend?  Frequently.  Only reason she’s lucky with men is because there’s so many chubby chasers in this town and she’s grateful.  She was told how much I pity her.  Her life is so empty the only focus for her is other children who are allowed out to enjoy themselves.  Does she work?  No, easier to claim benefit.  Does she do anything in this community?  Nah, too easy to give something back.  I’m not above anyone but I like sitting on my pedestal.  I’m not lowering myself.  How cool is it that less than a month ago I told her to move and this clever old world moved enough to shift her haha.
So tonight my little noisy kids are out having fun without the worry of a scowling face watching there every move.  I have my 6 new porcelain teeth.  Have managed to eat a salmon fillet.  I’m just thankful I’m not a meat eater.  I honestly dont know how people manage to eat anything with mouthfulls of plastic teeth.  The sad thing is none of my kids noticed until I mentioned it.  I feel is if my mouth is full of stuff.  From the inside I look like jaws but I have them and they’re not moving.  I just hope I get used to them.  Didnt manage to work today.  i’m making this weird noise when I pronounce "s".  I’m big on articulation or as much as any glasweign is lol.  Until it goes away I’m off work.  Going to work tomorrow then.
I’ve still got the calm feeling.  I have been up since 4am with foot cramp so I’m beginning to feel a little tired.  I’ve been smiling all day.  People in my town are so nice.  Smile and they smile back.  Its been a beautiful day.
light on

Work based

Work is both silent and dark when I enter.  Cant see a bloody thing except darkness.  I go through the staff only door and through yet another door before I hit any lights.  I am totally blind in darkness, always have been.  This morning I heard a weird noise.  Dripping water.  With a sinking feeling I go towards the kitchen area.  I open yet another door, water hits my 4" platforms and where the ceiling should be?  Theres nothing but a void, I think lol.  Space reaching further than I can see.  Panic isn’t my thing so I go back out, close the door, keeping the water in & wait for someone else to come in.  I cant turn on the lights cos the switches are soaked.  If I had thought I would have opened the back door but thought wasn’t with me.
So we go look at the damage.  Ceiling tiles are shredded on the floor of the middle and the  back (thats technical speak for our area has 3 sections).   I tend not to type shop because that would give people with any clue to my hometown an area where I work and thats my business (I will delete that later lol).  Never know who might go looking.  Christmas stock crumpled.  Little santa’s soaked and looking sad.  Christmas trees and wreaths that looked like they had been washed by a tide of sea water to the edge of another door.  So, we learn – lots of doors in my work.  Lots of water in my work.  Lights that we couldnt use and stock being dripped on.  Not a great start to my working day.  It was actually quite devastating to our stock.  10 huge black bags of clothes ruined.  We’re not typical.  We are popular because only new and I mean new stock is stored.  Couldnt even have a peppermint tea since the kettle is kept in the kitchen. 
Worst thing was the notice put on the door just made people knock to see when we would be open.  People are idiots really.  O and the new start didnt appear.  I found myself forgetting all about him so its possible he did appear and lost his bottle before reaching the inside.  See, I am a scarey woman. An old face returned in the form of Andy and I thought perhaps it was him she meant but he’s still in his 30’s and whilst he maybe lonely he would never say it out loud.  It was nice to have him back.  I didnt realise until I seen him that I missed his humour.  He’s a nice funny man who doesnt appreciate himself lol.  Wish I could say wakey wakey your life is waiting but its not my job and I dont get involved.  I learned to let people be.  Whether he’s happy or not is not my business.  I’m just happy to have him back.  I remember it took me a long while to feel comfortable with talking to him.  It was like having an old friend back today :0)  I like all of the people I work with.  Maybe I’m just very lucky to have nice colleagues.
Okay, so the ultra boring stuff.  Did the washing.  Made dinner.  Cleaned up.  Blah, blah stuff.  happy is as happy is.
light on

too long

I’m not a morning person.  I’m not a night person either so when I have a late night ie after 11pm (elderly remember) & put my mobile onto silent I have no chance of being out of bed before someone, anyone comes upstairs and tells me to get up at 8.10am.  My kids start to get up at 5am.  Jack has always been an early waking child so why it takes so long to notice I’m not up is a puzzler.  I have a vague memory of someone asking me if they could have a choc spread sandwich at 6am.  O but I’m still a parent so answer with only if you finished your breakfast.  Like I’m ever going to get out my bed to check on that one.  I didnt even know I had choc spread!!!
I have a new start today.  A guy aged around 40 that I’ve never seen.  Interesting.  We all have our reasons for doing what we do.  I’ve been told I will understand when I see him but have been told he’s better suited to my shift?  The standard he just looks a bit lonely doesnt seem to ring true for people in there 40’s but maybe it is.  Have a great day
light on

no title

Its 11pm.  I should be heading to bed.  Youngest son has just sat up from the sofa.  He was sleeping and I had hoped he would waken up so I could get him to bed but no, sat up and lay back down again.  Do I try and waken him up?  Haha, nope.  Do I sit waiting for him to waken up?  Dont think so or do I go to bed and hope.  Hope jhe can find his own bed rather than mine.  Think just going to bed is the better option for me.  I like going to bed on my own.  I start the night in the middle of the bed and wander to whatever side I fancy.  I dont like visitors.  They put me off my role.
Goodness I’m tired.  Begs the question why am I sitting here with a laptop on my knee??
Im off
jacqueline (whenever I type or say ni-night I think of my mother who calls me by that name so thats my name; see, tired) 


I had a weird feeling over the weekend.  I sat on one of my sofa’s on Saturday night thinking where the hell did that feeling come from.  It was a weird calm.  It felt like it just washed over me, calmness.  I had no reason not to be calm but it felt like a bolt.  It lasted all day yesterday and its still here today.  I work with a woman who is or appears to be psychic.  I kinda thought I wouldnt stress it because she would normally say why.  First thing she asked this morning was how was I feeling.  When I told her she said she couldnt put her finger on it but it was something to do with my family, not in a bad way but that was it.  She knows when something is amiss with me.  Knows when insomnia bites and I sense weird stuff about her.  Too weird to type.  I dont even believe in that gut thing (big waves Caz).  Maybe I do have a gut instinct that works but choose not to go with that flow.  Who knows, much less cares..
So calmness.  Not really me.  A bit like normal I dont fancy it much.  I like being a bit on the hyper side, even if it is only in my head.  I think like a small child, in big gulps and its fun.  I’m not really one for the serious grown-up shit of life.  Dont know how I cope being a middle aged woman with the brain of a child but somehow I do.  I’m managing to have a smile on my face, no matter what.  I do appreciate life is a serious business.  I get that people struggle financially or emotionally but I try not to take myself or my life to seriously.  I avoid the situations in life were I may get hurt and go along my own lala path with a sprinkling of happy dust and compassion.  Calm maybe my new thing.  I do feel wierd and I cant put my finger on why.  I dont expect anything to happen.  I just feel happy.  Weird or not, its all good.
Happy in light

O its sad people

Who are not only still sitting with a pc on but also reading or typing.  I’m tiking both boxes.   Its just after midnight & I feel wide awake.  Thanks to my mother for the insomnia thingy.  Thanks to my dad for the thingy thing and a weird mood has fallen on me.  Not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips but thats only because I’m not the type to drink alone and since I am alone I wont.  Changed days.  I used to always be alone at a pc on a Friday night and be rat arsed by 11pm.  The heady days of being 40 eh.
I’ve had my Molton Brown bath.  If only to rid my nose of the smell of the hair dye.  I was going to do something else this evening but I cant remember what.  The most exciting thing I’ve done today is buy a sideboard for my sons pj’s to live in.  It is nice actually.  I even manged to slap paint on the wall before it was put in place.   I klnow, I paint.  I should get a man to do it but I like painting, I can reach the top of the wall and I wanted it done.  My home is once more full of furniture.  I am still of the opinion that the less floor space that can be seen the less mess my kids will make.  Ok thats a crock of shit but its my way of justification and it works for me.  Work is waiting for me tomorrow.  I hadnt planned to go but boring story.  I really need to start thinking about buying something to wear to my daughter Hopes communion.  I live in black or jeans.  Not really appropriate for my daughters communion.  I’m not the dress type haha.  Even the thought of buying a dress makes me giggle.  I’m not grown-up enough for a dress.  Ok, wrong word.  I’m not mature enough for a dress.  Ah fuck (oops).  I’m not sure when communions became such a big deal.  It should be about the kids receiving there sacrament not what the adults wear.  I blame Fthr Harry for making us walk down the bloody aisle with them.  Tall kids, at the back.  My kids always at the back.  Have I mentioned I dont like walking haha.
Anyway Im online so thought I’d type.
Have a wicked weekend

Day or night

It doesnt matter what time of day or night it is.  I always have sunglasses on the top of my head.  Only days I dont have them on is if its raining, I wouldnt like to look rediculous would I??
Anyway I normally put my Gucci ones on.  This morning they were sitting on top of my head as normal.  No big deal, except I forget they’re there.  Result is by the time lunch has come and gone I realise I’ve been out with not one but two pairs on top of my head.  Did anyone say anything?  Nope.  I guess I must just look too cool or scarey.  Either way, I felt a bit silly.
So at 45 I’ve decided its time to learn to drive.  Its a nightmare being a stroke survivor (victims dont survive).  Twitchy leg is not good for driving.  Even getting a provisional is a bit of a pain.  Thats before I’ve even started to look for an instructor.  Its my eldests fault.  When I mentioned it to him he laughed and said not only are you too old you wont be able to park at the shop entrance.  Save your money and just do what you do, let the free taxi’s take the strain.  Why shouldnt I drive??  I could drive a noddy car (I get the irony in my son calling automatics Noddy).  Automatics are still used and if I can get the accelerator pedal moved to left side my twitchy leg wouldnt even be an issue.  If I could actually find a driving instructor who actually does automatic cars in my area that would be a great start.  I did think about it a couple of years ago but it seemed like too much hassle and moved on to some other idea lol.  Might chew this one till I get brave enought to actually apply for a provisional.  People with working limbs dont know how lucky they are.  O I know, I’m lucky.  The thinking party of my brain still works, sometimes.  At least I realise its only one leg that twitches.  Useless brains must be limiting to say the least tho they can drive fine.  Maybe we’re even.
Today has been a better day.  Yesterday was my yearly cry me a river day and I did.  I looked in the mirror last night.  I had been crying so much my face reminded me of the morning I had jessica.  When I over cry I get a rash over my cheeks and there it was, reminding me.  I had a panic moment when I opened my box.  I keep her photos tucked away.  One of the kids must have been in the box and I had a heart stopping moment when I thought they were gone.  Its not like I can replace them & all I would have would be a crap polariod, over exposed that just screams dead to me (god, that reads awful but its spot on).  Anyway, found my photos, had my sigh.  Put the box back together.  Life moves on, just as its supposed to.  Life is for the living.  I keep the box just for myself to remind me that it wasn’t all a dream.  Despite having Joy 10mths later & another 4 after, that empty feeling never left and I guess it never will now.  Alive or dead I carry all of my children in my heart.  As a father said to me after Jessica’s funeral only after the sorry of stillbirth do you go on and experience the joy of birth.  I’m sure my daughter Joy will grow into her name, sooner or later.  One more daughter later and Hope was born.  If nothing else, I always keep hoping.
Happy in light