sharing

It feels like I havent been near a pc for a while.  Broken armed child has adapted so well that I’m thinking of sending him back to school soon.  He can do most things unaided.  Only thing he cant manage is to feed himself well.  I could hopefully get him back for the morning at least.  He’s got us all demented.  He can now write and use the pc’s.  He gets which means the others get and my annoyance is through the roof with childrens demands.  Mental note to self, become firmer, quickly.
 
I had asked my eldest to straighten up my canvas in my kitchen.  I had knocked against it whilst cleaning the skirting board and hadnt realised.  Its such a small stupid thing but did he do it?  Did he fk.  So my rath is on.  Typical Sunday morning in Jacqui’s kingdom.  Put the pots away from last night.  How come I manage to find the pot cupboard and stack them away.  I get up on a Sunday morning and 3 are sitting on my drainer.  O worse, there is 1 still on my cooker top.  How can you clean a cooker top and not notice there’s a pot of food on it?  Perhaps its a just in case someone wants more noodles?  Perhaps the kids have developed a taste for gloop and no one’s told me or perhaps, and this is my choice they’re all lazy bastards who leave everything at there arses.  Rath anyone??  I dislike lazy men, can you tell.  I find disrespect an irritation and I think leaving stuff for others to tidy is disrespectful and rude.
 
My daughter Hope was invited to have dinner with a little friend on Friday night.  I did tell her top be helpful.  She asked her friends Mum if she could set the table.  Mum replies yes.  Hope asks where the placemats are.  Friends mum said she didnt use them.  Hope asked where the napkins are kept.  Again they dont use them.  Do you use cutlery or dont you bother with that either asked my daughter.  Bless little children.  I did get asked how I could be bothered setting the table for 8 every night, placemats, napkins, glasses and all but its just the way I do things so think I maybe should say to my kids we dont all eat at the table never mind have more than cutlery..
 
Today has went well so far.  Sitting room is tidy.  Kitchen has been tidied.  Neither of which should have require anything more than a dustpan and brush but heh, its all good.  I have also washed my hall floor.  The toilet is needing cleaned.  Took my finger off that pulse on Thursday and havent ventured in since.  3 kids have had a sickness bug and I’m still recovering from the smell of vomit.  Its like when they were little and everything smelt of talc, only worse.  I might find something to do today, perhaps sleep till Sunday is over.  I just cant seem to do a good Sunday.  Its because it follows Saturday and I know the tidying awaits me.
 
O  & I was in a happy mood yesterday.  Wandering the aisles of Asda on my own I had a good mood for one going on.  Walking towards me is the guy from school I have mentioned.  His face was like thunder.  I tried to just look away.  My days for confrontation from moody men are long gone.  Look back and he’s still looking, just staring.  You know that look a guy gives when the lightbulb comes on and he remembers something you have long forgotten?  I dont remember anything except, no I dont remember anything.  I did the get out his way maneouvre and it worked. 
 
I am going to try getting a good vibe.  Its not looking good for today.  Tomorrow kids are off school so not looking good for then either.  Its in my to do file and it’ll get here.
 
light on
jacqui
Advertisements

A litttle rest

I hate my mobile alarm.  I hated it at 5am this morning.  I had set it to waken me up every hour to check youngests fingers.  It had been going well.  Waken up, check his pulses and go back over to another sofa and sleep.  5am I waken up and hes not there?  O I should have got up and looked for him.  In my half sleep though I assumed he would be with someone so went back to sleep.  I didnt waken up until almost 8am.  He was fine but hadn’t eaten.  I have managed to get him to eat some sugared cereal and had half a glass of milk.  He had been sick so thought it was time to demand he eat rather than suggest.
 
Im trying to act cool with Nicky.  He’s already switched the lightbulb of intelligence off and has been back to the park doing devilish things already.  This is stupidity in my mind but I will not become the kind of mother I hate and wrap him up in cotton wool.  He wouldnt let me anyway.  I’ll be thankfull when tomorrow comes and he can get some peace and boredom when they all go to school.
 
Life for the next few weeks will be centred around youngest.  Thats life and I’m thankfull.  It could have been so much worse.  I would have been happier if it hadn’t happened but it did.  There’s a lesson there for him.  Pity the lightbulb is stuck in his mouth.  You can get a lightbulb in your mouth but you cant get it out depending on which way you put it in.  True but dont try it..
 
light on
jacqui
 
Ps Im not a lover of kids being indoors when the weather is good.  I have managed to get youngest washed this morning (a victory) and they are all on various electronic gaming/laptops playing silly games.  Logically if he’s sitting happily watching others playing I dont care that we’re having a heatwave.  Another will be along eventually.
 
PPS Mental note to self: dont throw out vest tops just because I dont like the style.  I have always found them just a waste of space and whenever I’ve bought them they’ve never lasted long.  I could really be doing with them right now. 

poor excuse

For nothing & everything.  Youngest has fractured his right arm & wrist.  His left has only one fracture.  Think I’m supposed to be pleased?  He was 2hrs in theatre yesterday morning.  By the time I arrived at hospital he was back on the ward.  His casts are from his hands to tops of his arms.  Weidly angled and because of the weight has to have both in slings.  Hes being fed, watered, dressed and taken to the loo by whoever lol.  My sofas are high and squidgy so sitting him down is a nightmare.  Both hands need to be checked every hour till tomorrow night and I’m knackered.  When this is over I never want to have to say can you wiggle your fingers for me!!
 
He looked pathetic yesterday morning.  He’s like me after a general, aggresive.  The minute he seen me he started swearing despite having said golly goodness to everything that hurt him.  Saves the swearing for me, bless.  He got sent home last night.  Friday they like to clear the wards.  I was horrified actually.  He cant even sit up without help and they send him home.  Leaving ther hospital people were staring and one woman came over saying he should be back up in the ward, not walking about.  Well,excuse me what do I know.
 
Hes back at hospital next wk to see that the maanipulation has worked so it may not be over yet but fingers crossed.  He will be in the casts anywhere from 4wks to 12wks with intensive physio afterwards.  Been informed that it wont be safe to send him to school whilst he’s in the casts and since he cant do anything he’s already bored.  He’s been back to the park but didnt quite manage to get onto the swings.   Not to worry, he managed get up the stairs to the slide.  Kids, never a dull moment eh…
 
 

crying wolf??

Youngest comes home from the swing park looking rather dazed saying he had fell from a swing and hurt his arms.   My let me look fall on deaf ears.  Such are my parenting skills I say ok.  A woman who had been at the swings appeared and said he fell hard on his arms.  Rolling up a sleeve I feel sick.  His wrists and forearms have obviously snapped leaving indentations where the bones should be.  Once again staying in responsible mode I phone his Dad and sos home now.  This takes minutes.  He comes in with a bellow "just fkn phone 999".  Ok I am officially a cretin.  I thought he would be quicker.  Paramedic is close behind.  Given chids age I can hear the waa-waa coming along the road as I’m being kept calm by a young woman on the phone.  I cant go upstairs, I dont do injured children.  I go to panic quickly follwed by I’ll be sick.  See, cretin.  I tell the fast response man to just go upstairs and I’m outside.  Im outside smoking trying to pretend I cant hear a sobbing child who happens to be mine.
 
He gets gas & air whilst they try taking his sweatshirt off.  Fk, how often have I told them.  I can hear him screaming.  Its ok that I’m hiding outside in the garden, thats where all cretins should banish themselves too.  It may sound strange but I dont want to A) look at his arms or B) listen to my baby child screaming in pain.  Points to his dad who only requires me upstairs once to give his DOB.  Why is it Mum’s remember there childs dates of births and dad’s appear to have mental blocks.  When the shit hits the fan I have to give it to H.  He doesnt flap or get flustered.  He just dives right in and gets on with whatever.  Me, I’m the cretin in the garden hiding and hoping it all goesaway.
 
So I’m stuck here.  Eldest child who looked like he was going to faint has went in the ambulance with Nicky.  There Dad is following in his car and I’m the cretin on the pc.  Bloody things will take at least 6wks to heal.  He will need physio afterwards and it seems the chosen profession for boys who have done this is paramedics since all 3 said they had done it but that could have been a soothing lie.  I dont blame myself.  I blame my rather silly son who thinks he can do anything.  I know when your 6yrs old you really do think your indestructable but I pray my son will learn for this.  I have a feeling that my eldest will go to lecture mode when he returns.  I always get the list of what I did wrong when anything major happens.  Its a checklist for me just incase I dont feel crap enough.  Well, life will be fun for the next 6wks with him.  I’m thinking of all the things he wont be able to do.  Writing is the least of my worries and talking of crap who the hell is going to take him to the toilet??
 
light on
jacqui

no title

There are so many things that are right in my world that I feel almost like a bit of a moan when I type here.  It is my space however and if moaning is my chosen thing then heh ho.
 
Went to parents night last night.  I had intended to just wear work clothes but met a bowl of some sugary breakfast cereal and had to change.  Mental note to self, make sure clean clothes have been hung up in wardrobe by an adult.  Kids idea of hanging up are to just stick them on the floor.  Chances are by the time she notices she will have forgotten which one she sent upstairs with them.  How true haha.  Result was I had to wear a totally inappropriate top that didnt need ironing.  The black bra glaringly obviously through it was neither hear or there.  Just made me cringe.  Extra note to self.  When faced with superior teachers telling me how fab a particular child is do not rant on about there lack of disipline and how I prefer my children to have a firm hand not allowed to have "talk" time with there friends.  My god, do these people not realise school is on a clock.  Education is about learning, not about bloody sitting having chats with your buddies.  Stick to educating them, I’m sure thats what you get paid for.
 
Give them bloody homework.  One teacher actually had the nerve to tell me that now its getting lighter she’s stopped giving the kids homework?  O is that cos you do enough work with them in school.  Between there talk time and pc time cant see a lot of work going on, can anyone??  No wonder the world has to use spell check.  Did you know that they no longet teach long division in school.  What happens if the calculator gets itself lost.  A whole generation will be fkd unless they have a back-up calculator.  I wonder sometimes.
 
So kids behave very well in school.  Never swear, throw a tantrum or do anything that I would be ashamed of.  Begs the question if they all know how to behave in an appropriate way, how come they save it for there teachers.  I feel quite invalidated lol..  I want the best of them, not some over paid superior being who will have forgotten there name by this time next year.
 
Another mental note.  When going out my front door remind yourself there is a weird bit of the pvc that likes to grip the top of whatever I am wearing.  My cardigan today (its more trendy than the word cardi suggests.  Plain black & floor length; just thought I would justify) got caught on it as I left.  Got to work and discovered it had a hole on one of my shoulders.  Got the sewing kit out and all I had to do was wait on a man to thread the needle.  He did, cardigan restored and the working day began.
 
A quick day at work.  Took sis to the dentist for the first time in 25yrs.  She needs 4 teeth out, a few fillings and work on a front tooth.  Not bad for 25yrs of neglect I’d say.  I visited the very nice hygieinist and got a £10.10 scrape and polish.  They have the affront to charge for making a mouth bleed.  Teeth are shiny and new.  I’ve been told I smoke to much and am damaging my teeth.  Yeh like I care.  Make small talk and leave.  Sometimes small talk is good but today I just wanted to be gone.  Thankfully I have nothing else on this week.
 
I do have to start a tables club with my kids since the school seems to think learning tables will come eventually?  I’m a bit scared of the "it’ll come".  When will it come.  How do you know if they’re late.  Surely there should be a standard of when children should learn certain tables?  Not in my world.  So, I will see to it myself.  O and a reading club.  My daughters are big readers and have a bookcase full and are very advanced readers.  My sons would rather not read.  Nicky it would appear doesnt get the concept of subtraction.  Ah gets that from his Dad lol.  So will have to work on that with him.  His private speech therapy is a waste of time since his teacher says she doesnt see an improvement in his speech.  When asked if she corrects him if he pronounces a word wrong she says she doesnt so eh?  Fk, fk.  These are professionals.  God help the children.  I’m supposed to take comfort from the fact that they’re happy at school.  Hmm not happening and I feel the pressure of failure looming ahead.  I cant help it. 
 
I have had some cups of coffee today.  My brain is tripping thoughts out faster than I can process them.  I can see the word overload flashing everytime I blink.  I’m not over the top I just know education is so important.  If we cant get the basics right then I dont see much hope for the future and this frightens me, it really does.  With that I’m off to have some pepperming tea and thinkl deep calming thoughts.
 
light flashing
jacqui

Old and wise

I had a chat with my eldest 2 children last night.  They’re both funny in very different ways.  My eldest son is very like me.  He’s volatile in nature whereas my eldest daughter is like her Dad, placid to the point of putting everyone to sleep waiting for an opinion.  I have had very different views on my sister situation.  What I’m not going to do is allow it any focus.  I have a life that suits me and only me and I will not allow others to upset my flow by there childishness.  My parents are as dysfunctional as ever.  I try not to hold that against them however and moved past it a long time ago.  Its them I feel sorry for cos they dont have a clue.  Never had and sadly never will.
 
Onwards.  I did think of doing something totally mad today but the notion wore off so just went to work.  Our scottish weather was having a laugh today since it looked sunny and bright before 8am.  So organised was I that my work washing was washed and out on the whirly thingy (techno speak) before 9am.  I know, stealing others thunder but I like my washing dry for when I come home so that I can just iron it and put it away.  Hanging it out at 11am just wont give me that result.  I get that some have to have there cooked breakfast, read the paper.  Chill and have little time for washing so better if I do it my flipping self.  My "I’m in charge" moment is lasting (how ironic, the things I dont want stick to me like glue) way much longer than I would have liked.  It works I guess.  It free’s up time for the other busy people in my world.  I get to clean the toilets every morning and its kinda cool knowing that my toilets and sinks are shiny.  Its equally cool that my little teletubbies family are all sitting nicely in a row.  The plan had been that since I took on the body of the housework that would free up time to get some more house stuff done.  painting for example.  Haha, lazy is a word I would use but same input gets the same result.  lazy.  At least household stuff isn’t getting saved up till the weekend anymore.
 
I actually may get so good at this organisational stuff that I may be able to manage the painting myself.  I had better cos if I dont no one else will..
 
light on
jacqui
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dysfunctional perspective

I admit it.  I’m from a dysfunctional family.  It doesnt show in my own home life.  With my children, we’re all together.  I have no idea what will happen as they grow up.  Right now is the only time I have with them.  The past doesnt matter.  Wish I could type it was the same with my sister or my parents.  I often huff about my parents lack of interest in my children.  Recently though I’ve become more aware of it with my only sibling too and its bugging me.  No, not bugging hurting is more accurate.
 
My sister knows someone who has a daughter similar in age to my youngest daughter.  Since this girl adores her cat she got a birthday gift from my sister.  It wasnt anything big but it was a tatty teddy from the me to you collection.  What it was isnt important.  What is is its the favourite thing of my eldest daughter.   My sister knows nothing about my children.  What they like, what they dislike.  She will comment on my parents missing out on my kids but never about herself.  When I mentioned in she said she didnt want to embarass them because shes in a wheelchair but thats bullshit.  I know it and so does she but we pretended and let it go.   My sister gives all of my kids money for there birthdays and a bit like my parents never sees my children.  She lives in a 1 bed flat so I wouldnt dream of taking them there.  Cat, allergic son just wouldnt mix and we’re not cat lovers (sorry).  She is very simialr to my parents.  Way to many at one time to deal with and has never liked being in amongst them.  Why do I feel like doing big sobs as I’m typing.  My children are the most impotant people in my world but why would I expect anyone else to get that? 
 
This is obviously typed from my perspective.  I’m really saddened by her lack of interest in my family.  She actually shows her cat more love and consideration than she shows any of her family.  That bugs me.  Every Saturday I get shit and when we enter her house its like a light switch flicks on for her cat.   Despite trying to support and encourage her after her rehab she is doing nothing to help herself that I can see.  The front she puts on for the world has slipped for my parents and my Dad is upset that she is so obviously not interested in our parents.  The sad truth is she would never be bold enough to tell them she has some serious issues and perfers just to avoid them.  When like yesterday she sees them she is polite enough but they sensed something yesterday from her and I’m not sure what.  I usually act as the buffer and I wasnt around when they met.  I’m then asked why today and the whole situation is just awkward for me.  Being piggy in the middle is not a situation I like.
 
I was quite upset by my sister yesterday.  She is very stand offish around my children and appears to just get enjoyment from making me look small.  If left alone 1 of my children would go sit with her but, maybe its me.  She came upstairs yesterday.  She doesnt join in the conversation but perfers to sit & just watch everyone, peppered with closing her eyes.  This from a woman who was in her bed at 8pm the night before.  My gut is telling myself to just put some distance between us.  I did telephone her and tell her my parents are upset.  She is unresponsive & basically gives a ok then you’ve shared lol.  That for me isnt good enough I’m afraid.   I’m worried I’ve had enough.  She would survive more than ok if she wasnt to see me every Saturday and so would I.  I just need a good excuse or perhaps I should be the exception in my family and try a bit of honesty.  There is a problem however.  My sister always thinks my honesty is bullying and goes to defensive; then I backtrack & never resolve shit.  Anyone have any thoughts?  Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive?  Who knows..
 
Light on
jacqui