Little secret

The little secret for me is just keeping busy.  Pretend happy and hope it’ll come real.  Usually works.  If I allow myself time to think I do and this is not good.  It leads to self indulgent woe is me and I’m not.  I’m a lot better off than I was a few years ago.  Blessings, I have to count them lol..
 
Its a beautiful day, kids are all in the garden fighting or is that play, I can never work out the difference with mine.  I’m off…
 
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jacqui
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A bag full of wishes

I dont want any more money, any more  children, any more love.  I dont need any more of anything I have more than enough.  What I would wish for is peace.  Not for the world, just for me.  Just for right now.  I just want to be an I.  Not a daughter, mum, sister, friend or anything that includes anyone but me.  Other people are doing my nut in.  Some of my friends say I’m out of sorts and need a night out.  I do agree but its with myself and no one else.
 
I dont get time to myself except when I’m in bed lol.  Not the bestest of places to have alone time but its not enough.  I feel a rage for no reason other than I’m never alone anymore.  I’m surrounded by people and I’m so hating it.  Shit, maybe I’m having a meltdown.  Everybody constantly talking, asking for things, demanding from children.  Does it ever end.  I’m just not having fun.  I think the idea of living is to seek out fun, enjoy it and move onto next.  Ok, not everything could or should be fun but surely there has to be fun in everyday.  I just feel like I’m holding out until bedtime.  Then I go breathe and thankful that I’ve survived another day filled with crappy crap.
 
Just thought I would share my exasperation.  I have people ask me throughout the day in work if I’m ok.  Funny, the people I live with notice nothing.  Bubble is sealed and secure I guess. 
 
light out
jacqui

meltdown

In my part of Scotland our kids have just begun there summer holidays.  Kids and sunshine are a wonderful combination.  Even better I’m still going to work.  Last year I was surplus to requirements and this year I’m taking care of me.  Firm but fair.  I’m going to work 2 or 3 days a week and spending the rest of the week in torture at home.  Plaster boy should be getting his casts off this week.  Funny how I didnt know how we would cope and now its almost time to get them off.  This to shall pass indeed.  I had an idea of getting that little saying translated to my favourite Latin and getting it tattooed as a reminder but it doesnt translate well.  |I hate bad trasnslations and Latin isn’t a language that travels time well,.  Ah well something will come to mind.
 
My Dad is 72yrs old today.  He’s one of those men who suffers from everything and nothing.  The word is out in my town that I am his daughter.  At various time through last week older women where coming into work.  They all said the same "I didnt know you were Berts lassie" .  Well at my age I tend to take credit for myself.  Some of them look puzzled as if they didnt quite get the connection but since my Dad is know by most of Cumbernaulds aged population I tend to forget that fact and just be myself without mentioning my parentage.  Funny no one ever mentions my mother lol.  It makes no difference to me but I can imagine elderly ladies coming into work, searching out the Jacqui name badge just to have a look haha.
 
So, my big sisters cat is having some sort of mental meltdown.  Weird noises are a constant and she is spaying?? everywhere she can.  The cat has always been quiet and given me a wide berth so its strange that she hops up on the seat beside me and spits at sis when she moves her.  I dont do cats; big teeth, sharp claws.  Give me a huge dog anyday but cats scare the shit out of me.  The cat smell in her house blows me away at the best of time but sorry cat owners it reeks, really badly and no amount of air freshners are covering the smell.  Think the vet is as mad as she is, gave her artificial hormones a weird plug in calmer, charged £66 and still the cat is acting as bad as ever.  I will never get cats people.  It would seem that if sis is at home cat is fine.  The minute she leave Mrs Cat is weeing on her bed and spaying randomly haha.  Gets big sis moving so its all good.
 
I am quite content with life.  My garden has new turf and  a new decking area with a small table & chairs.  I have called it the quite area.  Okay its sitting at the front of my shed but that has been painted green so if I squint I dont see it.  My wind chimes have been repositioned so no one can cut the strings and its a little bit of heaven.  I was out last night at 11pm with a glass of chardonnay thinking this is bliss.  A glass of wine, ipod in my ears and stillness.  Cant beat it on a Saturday night.  I used to think of myself as a woman on the verge of constant aggression.  I have now downgraded myself to a woman with attitude.  Sitting in my quiet area I almost started a gratiude prayer.  I have so many wonderful people in my world now.  I fill my own life instead of waiting for a man to text & he could text ;ate.  Goodness, if I had known how great my life could be I wouldnt have stressed about it quite so much.  Its funny how sometimes it takes someone who meant the world to leave to realise the world was there all along, just waiting to be discovered.  I dont need to worry or stress about anyone else, thats there job.  My son Nicky picked up a hedgehog in work yesterday.  He brought it home and even took it to bed.  I looked puzzled but didnt react.  Thats what Ian called me, hedgehog.  I didnt even think about that until the wine kicked in lol.  I’ve stopped thinking of Ian as Noddy, didnt notice that happening but it has, finally.  My noddy tattoo is finally a reminder of my youngest sons baby days, not a man.   Im off to start my day..
 
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jacqui

Gobsmacked

Isn’t it funny how all human being react to things in totally different ways.  The young man that lived with us until last yr finally caught up with my eldest on messenger.  Up until now J had avoided contact.  Anyway they go through the general life catch up and Scott says did you here my big sister died?  Scott has an older brother who was kicked out at 16 and his 2 sisters had been kicked out as well.  I did meet his sisters but didnt pay too much attention.  One of them had been ill and when she got out of hospital she returned to her own house.  Long story short she was 20yrs old, suffered from depression was a drug user and a diabetic.  She died from an insulin overdose.  Was it intentional?  I dont know.  She died 4mths ago.  Here’s the bit that got me; he’s over it.  In fact all of his family are over it.  I’m WTF.  A young woman has died and it seems no one gives an f.  "your ain is yur ain fur o that" That saying has been part of me from when I was a small child and its never left me.  Your blood family is indeed your own.  Priceless and irreplaceable.
 
God, this world leaves me speechless.  Its a throw away society when someone so young with so much potential dies and even her own family "get over" it in no time at all.  J at least shared my shock.  I was a bit surprised when he said the whole world cant give a shit the way you do, the way you’ve brought us up I could never be like that.  I could cry  for that poor girl and thats all she was.  Its a crazy world we live in..
 
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jacqui

A welcome budget

I had high hopes for today’s budget.  Yeh right.  I would have thought common sense would prevail.  We all know they leak the worst possible scenario in the hope the bitter pill that follows seems a bit sweeter.  I actually think the decisions regarding family benefits didnt go far enough.  Parents with an income of £40,000 can still claim Tax credits but the rate will be reduced.  Excuse me but why would you even require tax credits if you have an income of £40,000??  I could manage quite comfortably if I had an income anywhere near that figure.  And why has no one ever thought of making child benefit income related.  Every parent can claim it and do.  If I was a millionaire I certainly wouldn’t and yet I personally know 2 that do..  I’ve even heard of 1 twat who claims it and then gives it to charity every year.  I get his logic but come on, seriously??
 
Onto the disabled and lets get them in for a laugh.  I have been through the proceedure of being sent for a medical, refused the benefit and then going through the appeal process.  All this despite my neurologist stating quite clearly that I have had 2 cerebal infarctions (strokes).  Its stressing, embarassing and actually its one of those situations where you leave your dignity at the door.  At my appeal there was even a blind guy who fortunately seemed to be able to sense more about my problem that those who could actually see it.  I did not go in with my hand out and a gubbed back that couldnt be proved.  I went in with the results of my MRI and still I felt like a cheat.  Send the DLA claimants for medicals?  Another chorkle.  Any civil servants going to be left to arrange these little appointments?
 
Ah but the pensioners, they’re safe.  I dont know any poor pensioners, sorry.  I often think its me who lives in lala land but its not.  I do not know any pensioners who live in poverty or anywhere near it.  I wouldnt dream of typing that they are not entitled to there benefit but lets not pretend that all who claim need it, they dont.  They are above benefit freeze and I dont personally think they should be.
 
A brief word on lone parents.  They will be expected to start looking for work when there youngest child reaches school age.  Why arent they currently?  I suppose I just assumed they did.  Why would you want to stay at home when you have no children to look after.  Part-time work could and should be an option for all parents.  Lazy gits.  O and those with pre-school kids should not be forced to work.  Pre-school is hard enough for both parent & child without bringing child minders into the bowl.
 
I failed to see anything in the budget that interested me.  This countries growth will never amount to anything anyway so dont waste time talking.  The deficit will remain and whilst we may currently have unemployment of 8.1% I dont see it falling below 8%.  I have no interest in capital gains tax since it will never effect me.  Same as any interest rates and tax cuts, not my thing.  Education was not mentioned but since in Scotland our education is devolved it wouldn’t have made any difference.  I am annoyed by the educational system in Scotland.  I’m well pissed by the continual use of composite classes and I have steam coming out my ears that 1 of my sons is being split from his group of classmates because his older sister is going into the composite class with his friends so he must go to another.  Children from the same family but who are in different primaries aren’t allowed in the same class.  I’m not quite sure whats going on but I do intend to find out & quickly.
 
O I could rant about my lack of sleep.  I seem to be going to bed festering and I’m not getting over it.  I will, I just need some calming happy thoughts.
 
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jacqui

Apologies

If you have received an email from me recently, well, it wasnt from me.  I know how to spell Hi & I put my name at the end of all emails.  The email had a link to check who has blocked you from messenger.   I dont care who blocks me from messenger since I’m not much of a user.  Long story short its a chain hacker.  They bounce from one innocent email a/c, hack the contacts list and so it goes on..  My internet geek Kenz (gorgeous but a geek nevertheless) has assured me that its coming up clean, just an annoyance that its hitting so many people, sorry!!!
 
Big day in my world tomorrow.  My youngest daughter is 9yrs old.  She’s still very much a little girl.  Untouched by her  brothers aggressive tilt she has a happy world; at least I hope its happy.  She has a unique sense of fashion and a weird obsession with everything pink.  For a woman who only wanted boys I certainly faired better with my daughters.  Youngest son is still dominating the world in which I live and the just ignore him is wearing a bit thin.  As a Mum I have always respected my children but we have an obvious problem when my youngest thinks its ok to hit his mother.  Anyway, I have better things to moan about that my son’s behaviour.
 
I have a viral infection with the usual cough.  I’m only on day 3 so a long way to go but its tiring only staying in bed till 3am before getting up.  Wish I could sleep through a cough but cant.  Broken finger is finally healing.  I did revisit the drs this week who said totally rest it.  I was pre menstrual and I didnt appreciate having a man patronise me.  It makes no difference to me who I share my wrath with and I did.  He kinda looked numb as I told him exactly what I thought about his prescription for stronger painkillers.  His idea of stronger painkillers was co-codamol?  Fkn co-codamol.  I might as well take a rennie for all the good they are; priceless looked crossed his face at that little ditti.  So with a if thats the best you’ve got dont bother was met by a we could try splinting it.  Yeh great wee idea that.  I could get it tangled in my daughters hair as I put there bobbles in for school, good one.  Anyone know how to put girls hair up without the use of 2 hands will make a fortune cos I cant.
 
Work did not escape my wrath.  The ego’s fly high and me, I keep mine in check.  My drive comes from the desire to raise money; no more no less.  I’m not in there to make friends, I’m not there to make myself feel important and I certainly dont need anyone to tell me how to do my job.  The wrath was directed, fired and returned.   I wouldnt have minded but to do something because thats the way its always been done is just plain stupid when there is more efficient methods.  2nd time wrath fired it went with a well, we’re going with a new method, like it or not.  Stupidity is another quality that abounds in my work lol.. 
 
 I’m remind by the question Who are you.  When you ask yourself the question how many answers can you find before you run out and go silent.  I remember the first time I did ask that as part of a team building excersise.  Goodness I had so many answers, I went on for a long time.  I was astonished to learn that the real answer?  Ah you only get that when you shut up thinking about the answer, quiet your mind and look to your true centre.  Thats where the answer is.  I found that a revelation that still delights me.  For all my stuff and bluster my centre doesnt just try to be kind, it is.  I dont run off my ego.  I try not to listen to the chatterbox within me who wants to crush anyone.  I used to feel guilty about making people dead in my head.  Thats just a cute way for me to stop thinking about them.  The phrase dead in my head came from the dead man walking thing I can do.  The trouble with dead men walking, you know they’re out there.  Whereas if you can make them dead in your head, you dont need to think of any negativety because they’re gone.  How totally cool is that.  Okay my mother would say its cool but in a nasty way but give out nasty then I can return it.  A bit like the stupidity that floats about in work.
 
So Hope will have a wonderful day tomorrow.  I did manage to get her the much wished for DSi with the style boutique game in the one box.  £150 and a 2day turn around for delivery, Tesco did save the day.  I will mention the fact that I didnt get any money for any of her gifts because we have stopped that.  I maybe should have realised that last month when my other 2 daughters had birthdays and I got nothing.  I’m in a everything is cute phase which is helping me.  I guess it doesnt matter who pays for the presents just so long as they get what they’ve asked for but it does irk me.  I dont do cards so at least her Dad will have to put his hand in his pocket for those.  I would be a bit ashamed if I was him actually but since he contributes rarely and doesnt appear to feel guilty about anything connected to money I dont see him feeling anything.  The takers of this world do indeed have a blast at the expense of others with a kinder spirit but I guess they work off the logic that if we’re stupid enough to keep paying out its ok to fk us over.  Nearest and dearest indeed.  The last laugh is ours who still have money
 
I hope you all have a fun filled weekend.
Light shining
jacqui