Its the thought that counts?

My eldest son was out of his bed before I left for work this morning.  He even told me to have a good day.  Anyway he told me he was going to have flowers delivered on Sunday since its Mothers Day.  I dont really do commercialism and thats all it is so told him not to bother.  Out the mouth of my baby came well, I guess its the thought that counts, I thought it so guess you wont be getting them lol.

Could be he was just in a mood.  I warned him about trying on my shoes.  A pair of bright red 6″ platforms he just couldnt resist.  Unfortunately he tried to get through my kitchen door with them on and banged his head against the top of the door frame.  That wiped the smile from his face.  When I stopped laughing I did take my shoes back.

Got to love him.. 

jacqui

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Reality check in

The day started late.  I had slept in.  As I staggered out of bed I remembered I had had a shower before bed.  I had also discovered last night that my hairdryer had packed in so had just went to bed with it wet.  Big mistake.  It looked like rolled up moth balls.  Not sure why but whenever I go to bed with wet hair it clumps together and sits like a birds nest on top of my head.  Anyway since it wasnt quite dry just plonked it up and went to work in a huffy mood.

Work was busy.  Our financial year end meant that a stock count had to be done.  Old new stock, new new stock; there didnt seem to be any spare time to do anything else today so extra catch up required tomorrow.

This morning I couldnt even manage an entire load of laundry.  The kids had put there clothes from yesterday into the empty washing machine and they had been washed last night.  I stood looking at my machine this morning thinking what the hell?  Last nights wash had been taken care of  so there was nothing?  I didnt even look for any dishes, little point.  I felt so guilty when I got home I put my table runners and napkins in for a wash.  I just had to wash something.  Maybe thats the way its supposed to be?  Nah, it’ll be back to chaos in no time or maybe thats just my wishful thinking.  I need to have the little things to worry about.

jacqui

Excuse me

Yesterday was a surreal day for me.  I’m going to start with my tesco shopping ad work my way back.  A guy my big sis has been involved with off and on for yrs came up behind me in a queue.  I let him go in front so he’s beside sis.  He turns looks at me and says My your looking well, actually your looking stunning.  Not what my sister would like to hear and I was slightly miffed actually.  After we had all been served she told me she’d catch me up.  Anyway, she didnt but he did.  Came up behind me in a aisle.  I always leave my phone sitting on top of my open bag.  He takes it out and starts putting his phone number in.  I say your number isnt required as Id never get bored enough to use it.  He says o I think you will.  Note to man.  You may believe your gods gift to all woman but I dont and I dont think panting with your tongue hanging out works either.  I think its insulting to say to someone shes so my type with her long legs and big tits.  Thats not appropriate either.  Its not like I went out of my way to aquire either.

So back to the morning and I went to work.  Big sister came up to get me and after finishing a window display, left the window and gathered my stuff.  I”m standing outside sorting my handbag like all woman do.  I have my head in my bag, looking at no one.  I heard a voice.  Hiya how you’s doing?  Dont know why I looked up, I didnt need to,  Noddy.  Standing there, green eyes and all with his son who spins round to see who hes talking to.  Hmm, I just stood.  It was all over in seconds.  I didnt speak, I didnt do anything except turn around and went quickly back into the shop.  I should maybe call him by his name now, Ian.  Ian was standing looking at me, flushed, shocked and embarrassed, then he was gone.  I came out the shop seconds later and said to sister who was sitting alone waiting lets just go and walked in the same direction as they did.  I would have been fine.  The he did it, he looked back at me.  Fk, he should have kept walking.  no one was close behind him so he didnt need to do that.

I rationalised that its my town but he has family here and doesnt know where I work so wouldnt know where to avoid so as not to see me.  Except big sis had told him.  He could have went in 3 other directions.  He had come from behind and even if he hadnt recognised the back of me sis has a very distinctive whellchair so he must have seen her.  I to be honest was deep in my handbag so he could have actually walked passed rather than say anything.  Okay the interesting bit for me.  I felt nothing.  I didnt feel sadness, longing, anger, it was fear if anything.  Not sure what of but fear made me run.  Here I am again.  Man back in my head.  I was awake and up at 2am this morning trying to figure out what if anything I did feel.  I know your not supposed to fall in love with someone when your married.  I thought for the longest time that I had.  He had left and I had to suck it up and get on with missing him.  Would I not have felt something?  I didnt even feel sorry for him.

Big sister to her credit had remained composed and after he had left she texted him to invite him for a coffee lol.  He declined with Not this time.  Im only visiting because of family illness.  So now, I have no idea how long hes here.  Im not sure if I want to see him again.  It one of those things that if I do okay and if I dont, big sigh but okay lol.  I’m sure he’ll have driven into my street, just as he always did after he left to see if H is still here.  Now though there are 4 taxi drivers in my street so hell never know and I dont know why, even after he got married, he still did that.  Maybe seeing me married validiates him leaving?

Whatever.  Long gone & moved on eh.  Im at peace with myself, I’m happy and no ghost walking past me will change that.  Just very strange for me.   I’m thankful that I was looking good and I knew it.  Always gives me an edge haha.

light on

jacqui

no brainer

Seen my dr.  We talked about my angry children.  I felt better actually.  It sometimes eats at my soul and I do let them away with to much.   Anyway dr thinks that the new way of discipline is working since I’ve seen no violent outbursts in a wk.  Big smile for that.  Think he thought I was a bit mad, I have 7 and Im asking his opinion,.  Its not like he had words of wisdom.

Anyway I think Im aneamic.  My hair is falling out again and I feel tired by 11pm.  I dont get out of bed until 7.30am so its not like I dont get enough sleep.  So, Im very matter of fact but my GP wants some examples of what I do in a day.  Ok yesterday got up, showered downstairs by 7.45am.  Take load out of washing machine and I hang it outside.  Tidy away kids cereal bowls.  Quickly nip into toilet give it a clean, wash the foor.  Back upstairs with a coffee by 8.10am & start encouraging movement for getting them washed, dressed.  I actually sit on my bum until 8.40am.  Kids leave and I reload washing machine  & put away any dishes found  (why can I always find some), out door by 9am and straight to work where I stay for 5hrs.  Washing has been hung out by H, 2 washings are outside.  Home, lunch.  Start prepping for dinner by 2pm so its ready for oven by 3.  Kids home uniforms off.  Darks in washing machine.  Whites in the queue.  Its also boys bed change day so upstairs to gather those.  Add to queue and I am not behind.  Whilst waiting on machine, bring washing from morning in and start iron it.  Just leave it in piles in the hope they’ll move it (they do).  Nip upstairs and quickly tidy boys room.  Back downstairs.  Dinner has been cooking and on table by 5.15pm.  Dishes and kitchen tidied by 5.45.  So between line drying and tumble drier all washing has been dried so back to ironing.  Iron until 7pm & its finished.   H comes in and claims kitchen for his dinner.  I come upstairs with a coffee & yes Im on my bum again.  Nip upstairs to put duvet cover on irritating sons bed who wont let me replace his rather I have to return his to his bed.  Another cover wont do, o no, only one cover, same one.  Between 8-9pm I nip and put away anything that hasnt been done.  Towels, extra bedding.  Left to anyone else its just pushed into wherever.  If I dont do it, its not done.  9pm is packed lunch time. I try and keep a written list of who requires what since it changes everyday.  Before 10pm I check everyone is asleep and collect washing from the day, load the washing machine & press play.  Im back downstairs so nip into toilet for a quick clean of toothpaste from sink, clean toilet (again!).  I have yet more coffee before I clean my kitchen sink.  Its clean and dry.  I put my under cabinet lights on and sigh.  I leave the kitchen knowing next time I visit it may not look the same.

Notice that this is not exactly an action packed day.  I havent so much as brushed a floor.  I havent done anything physically challenging its just mundane house stuff we all do.  I do clean my bathroom before I go to bed, even washing the floor but a clean bathroom is something I give myself and thats one thing I do for me.  I also sneak 15 mins of reading in whilst sitting on the bathroom floor before I go to bed.  Since the chore list has been devised I dont really have anything else to do.  Everyone is chipping in with the various spaces and with the exception of the washing/ironing and toilet/bathroom I dont really have any responsibility.  My GP looked at me weirdly and said can you not share the washing? Haha, yeh that’ll work.  My answer was I dont trust anyone to do the washing.  My lot are great at starting but they would leave it lying about and that would stress me out.

Gp said, go get your blood checked by the nurse and make another app.  Not sure how making another app will do.

I only wanted some iron pills.  And the woman says..Whatever!!

light on

jacqui

This was me once

A lifetime ago but I recognised myself and I did feel sorry for her.  a mum in her 30s with 3 pre school kids.  two of her kids were screaming at the top of there lungs and despite her trying to soothe them most people where growling.  I actually heard her coming.  Kids I appreciate grow.  Just for a second I wished mine where young  again but I had 5 pre schoolers briefly and that was tough.  I dont envy parents with young kids.  Im just appreciating all mine are school age or above.

Eldest had an app today.  He is going to start an anger management class for teenagers in May.  I didnt prompt him.  I didnt push him.  He made up his own mind and I hope it helps.  My house has calmed down a lot since the intoduction of power punishment.  the idea is the punishments are in place for each of them as individuals.  They know in advance what there punishment will be and so far only 2 have received any.  3 if you include me lol.  Youngest hasnt hit or kicked me so fingers crossed his punishment was such a shock to him hes stopped his bad behaviour in quick time.  I made the fatal mistake of using the F word.  I thought it was just  Jamie I was talking to but one of the younger kids was behind the door, heard me and sent me directly to the garden without my cigs for 15mins.  No shoes on, no jacket and trust me, my lesson I got.

Dinner went swiftly without incident.  Washing for the day has been taken care of and Im not quite sure why but most other rooms are reasonably tidy.  Whenevr I go into a room, thinking it needs a tidy up I’m done in 10mins max?  Im not fighting that,.

Work.  I seem to be getting lumbered with the worst jobs.  I have someone else to tell there services are no longer required.  I cringe when I have to sack someone but I do it.  Its fortunate that neither one of the women I’ve told or still to tell are people who’ve worked with us for any length of time but its still not a pleasant task.   Got to be done I guess.

Well, im off to put my headphones in my ears.  The Eastenders theme tune is approaching and I hate it!!!

light on

jacqui

none

What a weekend.  My eldest son had a fight with a wall.  The wall won.  Son has a broken hand and is feeling sorry for himself.  It was my fault.  I asked him to clean up some orange juice.  Long story short, he lost his temper and the wall is dented.  Its surprising.  His dad in the early years of our marriage used to punch holes in my doors.  A big man who couldnt handle his emotions and took it out on my doors.  I had forgotten about that.

I was asked why his dad stopped and I said because I gave up pressing his buttons.  I stopped trying and gave up so that he can sit quietly in his corner .  My trade off for perfect doors.  It maybe not the result I would have wished for but I have doors intact.

So onwards with the clearing of my clothes.  All wardrobes & both sets of drawers have been decluttered.  I have clothes hanging up or folded in drawers.  I tend to drop my clothes everywhere so its a bit of a novelty to know theyre exactly where they should be.  All I need to do is keep it up.  The washing is now in a working routine.  I no longer need to play catch-up and that was a huge battle.  Getting through till today lets me see, it can be done.  Now all I need is someone to offer to iron the 24 school shirts along with the skirt, trousers and sweatshirts, dont see that happening though so will wait until after dinner.  The clearing helped me think through my kids and the effect I have on them.

I kind of realized after Jamie broke his hand that I’m on my own with discipline.  I lay down and enforce the rules.  They are just mine however.  When DH comes home everything/one is as they are.  Its me who notices what they’re doing.  It appears when im not here on a Saturday he works off his own rules anyway, he smacks and I dont.  I dont even consult him anymore when I change a rule, I just do it.  This lack of respect however I think is having an effect on the kids.  They see me rediating it.  My youngest asked this morning again why am I the boss of everyone in this house and I said because we all have to have someone who gives us instruction and enforces  any given rules. Its usually the mum but I’m wondering whether thats true or whether its just me and my dominance of them all, adults included.

I like my routine.  I like things just so.  If that makes me a control freak well, too bad.  Its order in a once chaotic house and my kids are not pre-schoolers anymore.  I want to bring up children who will make a difference in society not add to the current problems.  I wat them to understad for every choice there is a consequence, I have to keep repeating that bit to myself, not just them.    I’m almost going into justifying the fact that I’m becoming a hard line parent.  I was once laid back with a I dont care attitude.  Dont know if I wised up or just wakened up but something changed.  Maybe its just becoming responsible because the other available adult is shit at it. 

If anything Jamie breaking his hand led me to the brink of a Mum meltdown.  O fuck, hes the son of a man who couldnt control his temper when he didnt get his own way.  Was I mistaken in not taking seriously the effect that had on him.  Was I wrong to tolerate living in a home thats doors had to be changed because they were so damaged.  If Im honest I was just grateful that it was only the doors that got hit.  Thats a terrible admission but if I was to mention it I know what the answer would be.  Thats in the past, end of.  I just feel scared for my son.  I’m all too aware that how parents act can follow through generations and that frightens me.  I have discussed it with Jamie.  Thankfully he does speak to me but I’m not sure he can cope with his anger.  It will happen again that he cant run away from conflict and what will he do?  I did suggest he go to the dr who could arange some counselling.  Im a great believer in dealing with a problem when it arises with the kids rather than burying it and hoping it doest appear yrs later.  Thats a bit ironic, deal with the kids problems.  I can ignore mine for yrs.

If he was the only one of my sons who had a problem I wouldnt be too concerned, hes not.  Out of my 4 sons 3 of them have anger issues.  My youngest at 7yrs old has me flinching.  People in work were dumbfounded when I said actually the only person who causes my bruises is my youngest child.  hell kick me or punch me out of temper/frustration.  Anyway enough I decided.  Now when hes aggressive he gets 2 of his figures removed.  Yesterday I gained 8, today only 2 so hes learned.  Nice gets rewarded.  I have a standby app for my own GP just in case the Mum meltdown actually happens.  I’m hoping because I feel in control I can keep it.  I just hope DH doesnt wind me up or I may combust and that wouldnt be good!!!

Time for dinner prep.  Love a Sunday.

light on

jacq

A new challenge

Its just for me though.  No one else involved.  Everyday till lent is over I’m going to do something just for me.  On telling my eldest dinner maybe late because I wanted to sort one of my wardrobes he called me selfish and I replied yep and your going to have to suck it up or put dinner on yourself.  Turned out that dinner was only delayed by 30mins and after 7 black bags filled with clothes not required I still have a entire top shelf to clear but at least I can now find clothes..  I’m so tickled when I open that wardrobe.  One down, 2 two to go.  O I am going to have fun for the rest of lent.

I also put my hair  back to what it should be.  Purple.  Love the colour and since a new hairdressers has opened up next door thought I should make the effort.  I spend so much time in the window I thought I may pretend that I take care of my hair lol..  Someone walking past from  specsavers today I was given a leaflet offering free eye test for 18-20yr old.  God, I know I look good but half my age,.  Someone needs there own eyes tested.  I am hopeful that if I apply my positive mood to the majority of my life it’ll rub off on those less fortunate miserable gits I know.

Im happy.  I wrote in email that I’m happy sometimes.  I think its worth remembering that sometimes is way better than rarely.

light on

jacqui