What a weekend. My eldest son had a fight with a wall. The wall won. Son has a broken hand and is feeling sorry for himself. It was my fault. I asked him to clean up some orange juice. Long story short, he lost his temper and the wall is dented. Its surprising. His dad in the early years of our marriage used to punch holes in my doors. A big man who couldnt handle his emotions and took it out on my doors. I had forgotten about that.
I was asked why his dad stopped and I said because I gave up pressing his buttons. I stopped trying and gave up so that he can sit quietly in his corner . My trade off for perfect doors. It maybe not the result I would have wished for but I have doors intact.
So onwards with the clearing of my clothes. All wardrobes & both sets of drawers have been decluttered. I have clothes hanging up or folded in drawers. I tend to drop my clothes everywhere so its a bit of a novelty to know theyre exactly where they should be. All I need to do is keep it up. The washing is now in a working routine. I no longer need to play catch-up and that was a huge battle. Getting through till today lets me see, it can be done. Now all I need is someone to offer to iron the 24 school shirts along with the skirt, trousers and sweatshirts, dont see that happening though so will wait until after dinner. The clearing helped me think through my kids and the effect I have on them.
I kind of realized after Jamie broke his hand that I’m on my own with discipline. I lay down and enforce the rules. They are just mine however. When DH comes home everything/one is as they are. Its me who notices what they’re doing. It appears when im not here on a Saturday he works off his own rules anyway, he smacks and I dont. I dont even consult him anymore when I change a rule, I just do it. This lack of respect however I think is having an effect on the kids. They see me rediating it. My youngest asked this morning again why am I the boss of everyone in this house and I said because we all have to have someone who gives us instruction and enforces any given rules. Its usually the mum but I’m wondering whether thats true or whether its just me and my dominance of them all, adults included.
I like my routine. I like things just so. If that makes me a control freak well, too bad. Its order in a once chaotic house and my kids are not pre-schoolers anymore. I want to bring up children who will make a difference in society not add to the current problems. I wat them to understad for every choice there is a consequence, I have to keep repeating that bit to myself, not just them. I’m almost going into justifying the fact that I’m becoming a hard line parent. I was once laid back with a I dont care attitude. Dont know if I wised up or just wakened up but something changed. Maybe its just becoming responsible because the other available adult is shit at it.
If anything Jamie breaking his hand led me to the brink of a Mum meltdown. O fuck, hes the son of a man who couldnt control his temper when he didnt get his own way. Was I mistaken in not taking seriously the effect that had on him. Was I wrong to tolerate living in a home thats doors had to be changed because they were so damaged. If Im honest I was just grateful that it was only the doors that got hit. Thats a terrible admission but if I was to mention it I know what the answer would be. Thats in the past, end of. I just feel scared for my son. I’m all too aware that how parents act can follow through generations and that frightens me. I have discussed it with Jamie. Thankfully he does speak to me but I’m not sure he can cope with his anger. It will happen again that he cant run away from conflict and what will he do? I did suggest he go to the dr who could arange some counselling. Im a great believer in dealing with a problem when it arises with the kids rather than burying it and hoping it doest appear yrs later. Thats a bit ironic, deal with the kids problems. I can ignore mine for yrs.
If he was the only one of my sons who had a problem I wouldnt be too concerned, hes not. Out of my 4 sons 3 of them have anger issues. My youngest at 7yrs old has me flinching. People in work were dumbfounded when I said actually the only person who causes my bruises is my youngest child. hell kick me or punch me out of temper/frustration. Anyway enough I decided. Now when hes aggressive he gets 2 of his figures removed. Yesterday I gained 8, today only 2 so hes learned. Nice gets rewarded. I have a standby app for my own GP just in case the Mum meltdown actually happens. I’m hoping because I feel in control I can keep it. I just hope DH doesnt wind me up or I may combust and that wouldnt be good!!!
Time for dinner prep. Love a Sunday.