Archive | June 2011

The road is long

My dads life journey is almost at an end.   There is no treatment available to him.  His tumor is a right lobe butterfly shaped tumor.  Looking at it on the scan you can see hes screwed.  Along with his butterfly tumor he has another 6 smaller ones and fluid & swelling of the brain.  Its a wonder he functioned for so long.  The Southern General had a look at his scan this morning and they cant offer him anything.  His consultant tells a good story and she makes soothing noises but thats all they are.  He has wks left.

The steriods they started made little difference to the clarity.  His mobility is slightly better but since radiotherapy isnt an option little point in giving him the steriods.  All meds but his essentials have been withdrawn or hes being weaned off them. 

So in no time at all my Dad is going to die.  I’ve passed denial, passed the idea that they’ve made a mistake & I dont feel any anger.  I just feel sad that my Dad is no longer going to be here.  Not just for me but for my Mum & my sister.  I’m going to miss so very may things about him.  I already do.  He’s not really with it.  Hes seeeing things, people who arent there.  Its funny in a tragic way.  I’ve started to just agree with him.

My Mum left to speak to his care nurse.  I lean in and ask, Dad where are you going.  It was a bigger question than maybe I realised.  He looked ahead and said “I’m going to that big school in the sky”.  I looked away.  I could feel the tears welling up & it was all I could do to not cry.  Maybe he realises what going on?  In his moments of clarity he realises something is seriously wrong?  It was such a quick moment.  I squeezed his hand and he looked at me as if to say what lol.

Ok for this place only I feel like my world is caving in.  I feel as if my world is collapsing and I cant stop it.  I know my dad will see my daughter.  Wherever Heaven is he’s on his way & my daughter is already there.  I so want to tell him to tell her I love her & I dont have long before I whisper that in his ear as my final goodbye.  I’ve no idea how to stop the ache that I feel.  Its like a big hole is starting to appear and I cant stop it.  I dont want my Dad to leave me and yet I know, he cant hold on.

jacqui