Sympathy can be over the top. Going to work is fab at distraction but the number of sympathy cards I’ve had has been quite overwhelming. There was 2 poking thru the door this morning. One from someone called Nan which everyone thinks is my Nan lol and one unsigned but they’re thinking of me which is lovely but OTT. I’m wondering if its really sunk in yet cos I’m back in my own life and whilst I miss my Dad I’m not overwhelmed like I think I should be. I know I should be. I’m scared that one day I’m going to waken up and the enormity will hit me.
Washing machine is being delivered tomorrow. I decided to pay for it out my own mnoney rather than use my Dads. Work folk have different opinions on what to do with it. Some think it should be spent and others think its cold money since it came from someone dead & I should just get rid of it. I have decided to spend some of it on something I seen today. Its a 18ct white gold modern take on a trilogy ring. 3 bands of gold with diamonds set on each band but just one ring. Buying that spends £500 so its a start and I wont feel guilty about it.
Onto a weird dream. I dreamt I had toothache. It was such a vivid dream I thought when I wakened up I’d have toothache except it was just a dream. It got weirder when I realised the tooth I thought I had toothache in has had root canal treatment and it cant cause toothache. I would look it up but dreams are just head fucks I cant be dealing with right now.
I’m sitting in my garden listening to my neighbours bitching about teenagers and there imaturity. Honestly the quicker I get a 6ft fence up the better. The live in guy of the wk next door thinks its okay to call neighbours children little muppets and all I got for protection is an oversized pair of gucci sunglasses. I cant even sit in my garden in peace.
Kids. They dont quite grasp when I’m serious. They kinda got it when tonight at 8.30pm I said goodnight. That was followed by moans, groans and various huffing before they realised there day was over. I’m now sitting alone with eldest in the shower and nothing to do but sit here smugly. Eldest did say nothing has changed but I have grounded kids who are asking rather than the usual demands and they’re actually apologising for being rude to one another. I think thats an improvement.
Anyway my washing machine is about to give up. My LG intello washer has been fab for the last 6 or 7yrs. I have prayed for this to break and now its about to I’m so bloody thankful. Finally I can get a nice new black machine. I was a bit pissed when on checking the best 9kg washing machine is a Beko. I’m an appliance snob but the machine is supposed to be one of the best so thats what I’m getting. Anyway, its getting delivered on Thursday so I shall see.
Anyway. My Dad had left my sister & I envelopes with £1,000 to cover our expenses following his death. The instruction was to have a holiday with the money. Thats a joke since he knew neither of us is the holiday type. So, we both have £1,000 to buy something to remember him by. Big sis has decided to buy a white gold trilogy ring. That in itself is a bit weird but moving on I have no idea what to use my money for. I’m so used to buying my own jewellery that I cant think of anything I need or want for that amount. I dont want to just leave it sitting in my tin either. I guess when the time is right and the thing I’m supposed to buy is in front of me I’ll get it.
Can’t believe Dad has been dead a week. I went to his grave today and cried. I felt so crap for the woman who was 2 graves down. The size of me standing sobbing must have disturbed her. Its nice to know the neighbours were nice enough that people tend there graves. His flowers look beautiful, he would have loved them. My Dad was a gardener – dont know if I ever mentioned that. Could bore the arse off anyone with talk about shrubs and plants. Never an interest of mine I’m afraid. I’m now manic about my sons putting suncream behind there ears, cant help it.
I’m going back to work tomorrow. My Dads words of just got to get on with it are ringing in my ears and its time. Kids have there new houserules to play with and I can go have fun, oops work whilst they play good.
Being a child is hard. Being a parent takes hard to a whole new level. I have let my kids slip for the last month. Last night I read a story in my daughter Hopes school book that made me sad. She went through every member of our family. With the exception of me everyone either hits her or threatens her. O she loves them all but I was shocked. This was written 3wks ago so its not like an old thing. So kids in bed last night and I’m thinking about whats happened. My light bulb is I’m too chilled a Mum. I’ve always been chilled but if just one of my children are suffering then thats a problem.
I sat at midnight re-writing my house rules from there perspective. A set of rules that is set in boring order, routine and rules that must be obeyed. I used to be strict with my eldest but rules vanised with every child added to my shoe. What has brought us here is my apathy and my attitude of they seem ok but actually, reading Hopes book, they’re not.
I’ve started with the basics because I’m not entirely sure everyone gets them. The basics of decency and maners are the first thing that has to be reintroduced. I always ask the kids nicely to do something with a please added. Bless some of them think that such things are requests so have pointed out that its polite orders and they seem to have grasped that quickly. Younger ones seem slow to drop the swearing. To listen to them cursing when they were small was cute, now it just sounds nedish so punishment is imposed first time. Funny, its the boys wh o seem slow to grasp that. The girls breeze through the no swearing rule. Im actually the worst offender for swearing. I have patience only up to a point and then I’ll swear.
No shouting is a hard one to impose. With so many people in one house its hard to keep control but so far no raised voices today. So far so good.
Dad’s funeral went past in a blur for me. The grave thing was awful. I had told my kids there papa wasnt really in the coffin and I tried to convince myself too, didnt work very well but heh, I tried. The apple I put on his coffin last night was give to me and I threw it on top of the roses all the kids had thrown in. With a thud it was on top and there was nothing to do except weep which I did.
I’m feeling weird. I’m not really understanding this life shit. We’re born and love who we love and then one day they die. We’re left. I know I’m lucky and I’m a grown up but whats the point? I’m trying to be philisophical but I’m just not getting it right now. Worse, I know my own kids are going to go through this pain & should we prepare our kids for that, can you? Can you every describe it? I know some would say thats the price you pay for loving someone. In time the pain will fade and you’ll remember all the happy times but I wont ever forget sitting in that room watcing my Dad die.
So life change. My Dad wasnt immortal. Neither am I. I’m entering an unsettled phase which I guess is natural after a close death but I dont know were to take it. My life is pretty much forfilled. The fact that I didnt type totally forfilled is telling but not sure I’ll do anything about it. My dad said its better to try and fail rather than fail to try. How typical of a Dad to say that. I so wish he was here.
I’m in meldown. I’m officially a basket case. My daughters are fighting about which trousers to wear to my Dads requiem service tomorrow night. His funeral is Thursday. Flowers have been picked. After lunch has been planned and his readings, psalms and hymns have all been sorted.
So. I was phoned yesterday at 1.30am. My Dad’s care nurse was concered about his breathing. She knew we wanted to be there when he died so the decision was with me. I phone my Mother and my Sis, we’re up, dressed and there within 15mins. My Dad was breathing shallowly but weirdly. Its tone changed every few minutes but it was rythmical and even. He kept jerking his arm. Picking at his top and trying to scratch behind his ear. He could obviously hear because if I told him to stop he would. When I ignored it he kept going. Me being me, I kept talking. I said a rosary with my Dads rosary beads and nipped out for 2 fags between arriving and 6am. I thought they had got it wrong. Just after 9am I began to feel tired. Dad was breathing at 32 breaths per minute and thought I’d go to the quiet room. A nurse came in, said my Mum was crying. I ran to Dads room and went over to him. I put my hand on his face & felt a pulse in his throat. He was very quiet, sighed and he was gone. In a breath I went from saying to my Mum hes still here to O god he’s gone. Was it a breath I heard? I dont know, I’ll never know. I just put my face to his and cried. After all those hrs of sitting holding his hand my Mum thinks he waited for me to get back to his bed, I’m not so sure.
The rest of the morning went in a blur. Nurse came in with my sis who I’d left in the quiet room. I was lucky. When I left my Dads room the guy I know was outside. Allan opened his arms and I just crumbled in them. Never before have I felt so totally heartbroken,. My Dad had left this world. The thing I thought would never happen just had and all I had was the image of him fighting for breath for hours. My job was to get the priest. Priest didnt have transport so I had to go past my house to pick him up. It was left to me to visit my uncle and tell him. Phone other family & friends. Everyone just started to cry & all I could do was take the phone away from my ear.
Being a holiday Moday was a pain. I had said on Fri he would die on the bank holiday and he did. It had to be his own family Dr to sign his death certificate and they were closed until today. That meant he was removed and taken to the funeral home without it; leaving the dr to go to the care home for his notes and the funeral parlour to examine him. All the Drs in our Health Centre knew my Dad so Dr was full of sympathy. First was the brain Tumour followed by a left ventrical failure which I guess is heart failure. The cause isnt really important is it. He’s just gone.
My thanks to all who have been reading. Its not been the most pleasant of things to type but its now part of my life and whilst I would never choose to live it again or watch anyone die in such a horrendous way it was a privilige to be with my Dad and share all those sleeping hours. I would never say my Dad was a perfect man because he wasnt. What he was for me was a perfect Dad who always showed he loved me and never made me feel anything other than that. Thats exactly what I told him when I said goodbye and thanks for being my Dad through all my 46yrs.
I always hiccup when I’ve cried too much
RIP Dad 27/6/1938-18/7/2011
The story about my Dad is now well into the final chapter. The morphine is doing its job and he doesnt seem to be in any pain or distress. He has totally withdrawn from all communication and if he hears well, who knows. I’ve pleaded and begged but he doesnt give a response. He wont open his eyes with any recognition. He just opens them looks and closes them. His mouth is open but if anyone goes to clean it much less give any liquid he shuts it. We’re on day 2 of nothing orally. His pad is again dry and thats 2 days without urine. His breathing whilst constant its shallow and noisy. His skin is beginning to get a blue hue. God help me for typing this but I dont want to be in his room. I’d rather be anywhere else but there but without coming home to the kids I’d sit there for however long it takes for im to die. I keep wishing he’d just pass away but still wishing I could hold onto him. When I kiss him goodbye everyday it doesnt seem real. I stood looking at him today like it’ll be the final time I’ll see him alive and in reality it might not.
I wouldnt miss this time with my Dad but for the life of me I cant figure out why cos hes not there,hes already gone.