Loaded question?

I’m the first to arrive in work.  A bit obvious since I have the keys.  Jim is always second.  He’s one of those you can depend on.  So much so I dont even put the kettle on, I just leave that to him.  Maybe I should have realised when he asked “how would you feel if I said I was leaving?”.  Um okay, why ask that was my reply.  I thought that was an okay answer.  He said, well, because I am.  I pick my chin off the floor.  Now this is my guilty bit.  He’s telling me why and I’m already juggling staff in my head, trying to replace him.  I’m going to struggle without him.  I might have to start making my own coffee/tea and  get someone new to replace him.  I was  only thinking the other day how strange it is when working everyday with people we get to know them, know how they tick and how quickly we become comfortable with others.  on to all change I guess.

I had quite a shit day actually.  Between Jim’s news and a general feeling of freakin life plus its Wednesday I just didnt feel happy today.   I had the weirdest of days yesterday.  I felt I was rushed and I kept thinking someone was watching me.  I dont know why I just had an uneasy feeling whenevr I went out our door.  I usually feel at home outside in our moll but yesterday I didnt & I spend time outside looking in.  Today I solved that by not venturing outside.



Stop & search

Not sure why but 2 women were stopped this morning in our moll and searched.  There handbags were also searched.  Just made me wonder and list that follows is why.

Handbag contents are:-

Purse (Containing various cards, photos & £291.67)

Perfume (4 bottles of Aromatics, Ghost, Obsession & Be delicious)

3 Mascaras (1 waterproof, one not and one just because)

3 lip shines 2 lipsticks, bronzing brush, tweezers, nailfiles, 2btls black nail varnish (1 shine, 1 matt)

2 sets of keys (0ne work, one home)

3 small teddies

7 white envelopes, 2 blue pens, 3 black pens, 1 jumbo rubber

3 unused large black bags?

1 silver bangle, 1 9ct bracelet, 2 silver rings & 2 cheap crap necklaces

2 work badges

1 mobile phone & wall charger

1 tube moisturiser, facial wipes, antibac gel & eye contour cream (still sealed)

1 pkt cigarettes(lambert & butler), 1 green lighter, 1 red lighter

set of 1kg hand weights (wondered where they were!)

various shop receipts from Tesco, asda & next

a can of sure anti perspirant & an invisible dry dove roll-on (think maybe bought for my daughter?) 3 tampons, 2 lillets (not my brand so who knows why)

2 compact mirrors and finally on the outside of my bag 6 bag charms and a solid silver hip bottle dangle.

Thats all that I have in my bag, honestly!!!

I’ve only had this bag a fortnight haha





Im sure today hasn’t been busy, it just feels like it has been.  Got up at 7.45am and as usual had a mad dash going on until 8.45.  Its always a slap when 8.45 arrives and the silence descends.  Kids all gone, eldest in bed and I always feel crap in the silence.

Home just in time to grap a sandwich, fix the printer and print out stuff son required o last week.  An ink cartridge doesnt load itself but then neither does the freakin printer.  Anyway job done and its 2.55pm.  I had intended clearing my clothes away which seem to multiply on my bedroom drawers. People are great at delivering my clean clothes.  Just havent got the hang of putting them away but then neither have i.

Boys are off to footie at 5.45pm so may just do my clothes then.  Up until then I’m sure I can keep myself amused by cooking and doing housey stuff downstairs where the kitchen/toilet live.  It doesnt look like much was done in here this morning and I’m not going to ask why.  The answer would be some rediculous crap and I’m not up for that,.

My washing is up to date and dinner is an easy dish with no prep work so I may just have to “find” something to do.  I even managed to pay my council tax this afternoon, 1 day late is a record for me! Work is busy mainly because I’m making it so.  A change of 2 windows and a central display kept me busy.  No banking but tomorrow we’re having a visit from our retail director so every window had to look acceptable.  I know the other team leader will be stressing the visit but I just go with the flow when I know my shift have done there best which we have.

Life is ticking.  My brain always goes to life goes along as it should, its all very nice but not very good .  Um a song from Barry Manilow; wonder what happened to him? Not my type of music but my older sister missed the music gene & headphones were never used.


Better go.

What to do on a Sunday

My day is pretty sorted actually.  School uniforms were ironed yesterday so no need to do anything school related.  My cute Dad didnt believe in banks.  Would take money out the bank every week and plank it as he would say.  Hiding money is a family thing since I do it too.  I however keep mine in clear view in a money tin or stuffed somewhere rediculous but at least I know how much it is.  My Dad kept his in varuious places and if he knew, well, no one else does.  My job today is to collate his.  I’m not sure what my Mother intends to do with it all but at least she will know how much she has.  Its not much.  I’m thinking its around 20K which isnt a lot for a 73yr old.  I forget sometimes that my Dad was a drunk until the last 15yrs of his life, money dissolved around him until then.  At least he had the excuse of drink lol.

There is also the little matter of paying for his headstone.   The company making it only take cash or cheque so cash it’ll be and that has to be delivered today.  I’m hoping that my Mother will change her lettering to gold rather than silver.  I wouldnt, I go with my gut reaction andif it turns out wrong then heh but I have been told she’s been thinking of changing her mind so fingers are crossed.

Just for today I’m not going to moan at my children.  I’m going to hold my tongue and give them a break.  I know I’m not perfect and I do go on at them so its a free day with some little limits.

Me, me.  I have a happy feeling this morning.  Sunday became my Dads favourite day in the last wks of his life, I had forgotten that.  I had lots of tears this wk.  I spend the first hour in work alone and I would sit and look out on our quiet moll & just cry.  How often I had seen my Dad just appear, that hurt.  Sometimes I feel like I cant cope.  The sun comes out when I least expect it & I’m hoping it has.

I’m actually doing ok and am happy as I am.  As happy as I allow myself to be is how I put it.    A few years back I stayed as I was.  I changed nothing except find myself a job and for me, a reason for being.  Someone else turned there life upside down & appeared to in my opinion walk away, never look back and went straight to happy.  Aw I bless facebook.  It gives a glimmer and you get to see what they’re up to.   I dont ever wish bad things on any human being but I never wished them well.  I so love how Karma works.  What goes around comes back, bites there bum and I dont need to know why.  That feeling wont last with me.  I dont like other people being unhappy regardless of what they did in the past but for them I made an exception and I smiled for the briefest of seconds.


life bites wrong bums

Edward is a little boy one of my friends looks after.  He’s only 4yrs old.  Shes looked after him whilst his Mum’s at work and I’ve been seeing him since he was a baby.  Seen them today and friend says she’s taking him to his Mum.  He was looking rather yellow and had developed a weird rash.  He’s brought over for me to have a look and he’s got a yellow hue that looked odd.  He’s a typical 4yr old but just looked a bit listless & said maybe his Mum should get him checked out.  A couple of hrs later hes been to our Drs surgery and he’s in our local childrens hospital.  A few blood tests later and he has lukemia (spelling could be off).

Thats a perspective changing slap.  A beautiful little boy who till a few hours ago didnt have a care in the world.  Okay, he still wont but his family has a battle on there hands and I feel for them.   I’m not going to moan.  I’m going to have a bath and wonder what the freakin hell Gods plan is cos if he has one I’m not understanding it.


Its all about me

Its not, but it freakin should be.  I had a meltdown last night.  I went to total overload.  I was trying to get the school washing at least started. Youngest boys were on wind up mode, girls were sitting watching tv and I went to mental.  Eldest did attempt to take control by telling me what a rubbish parent I am and blah, blah and I lost it.  I wonder how I would have been at 20yr if I had lived with my parents, rent free. Meals delivered to me on a tray and all I had to do wash dishes ever 3 days.  Easy I would say, he would say its hard haha.  He stayed out my way for the rest of yesterday so I would call that a result.

Okay order should have came fast.  Tvs and pcs were put off.  Everyone sat in silence.  Since they need supervision I shot myself in the foot with that bright idea eh.  I was stuck with them all.  There dad appeared at 7pm.  Dinner like breakfast is a priority.  Has his dinner and then doesnt come in to where we are but decides to clean the girls bedroom.  I’m left in supervision mode and I get 3 laundry bags.  Um, not sure how that helps me.       Extra washing on a Friday not  good.  Follow the logic of keep the little woman busy and she’ll be happy.  Little chink in that plan, his brain doesnt think that quick so busy me is just a bonus and now, I’m out of freakin soap powder.  ha freakin ha.

An untidy house jam packed with way to many people.  Does my nut in.  It really is the very silly things that set me off.  A sink filled with dishes.  A sink when dishes washed that have food stuff in it.  That really pisses me off.  A cooker top used and not cleaned drives me insane and not replacing the toilet roll, wow meltdown approaches before I can breathe out.  I feel under pressure for no reason other than I am.  I dont expect a perfect house but I shouldn’t always have someting to do should I?  Sometimes I should be able to just sit down without my eyes wondering to something and thinking I need to freakin do that.  I make so many mental notes that my brain cant cope.  Thats what I feel.  Unable to cope.  Freakin brain.  It just wont work at the required speed.  It needs defrag and I’m not sure how to.

I had thought about stopping work but I would honestly need anti depressants.  I hated staying home everyday and I would get lonely again.I never want to feel that.  Its horrible.  I would have to become one of those house wife thingys and seriously, me, in control of all house cleaning.  OMG I couldnt think of anything more boring.  Well I could but that a whole other blog.