Monday blues

My day started with son No 2 leaving for a week.  This led me to arriving in work later than I’m comfortable with.  Anyway get my head down and just get on with my Monday stuff.  One woman had a bit of a paddy.  I didnt look at her when I said good morning and I asked her to do something different from her normal.  I step over her toys on the floor, take her to the kitchen.  I explain why she was asked.  I apologise for my rude behaviour pointing out it hadnt been intentional and went outside to calm my freakin bad mood down.  I also had to “talk” to a member of staff about her purchases that she doesnt pay for.  An awkward conversation from me met with sheer hostility.   Not one of my better days at work.  I think I’m going to just put my professional head on and distance myself a little.  I sometimes forget I’m the team leader.  I have to have the difficult “chats” and whilst I know they’re not always appreciated they have to be done.

Home at least is normal.  Tonight I’ve been thinking about not working.  Making my life once more boring.  A stay at home Mum without kids around all day seems absurd to me now.   I have 7 kids and I  would struggle to fill an entire day.  Work however is becoming frustrating.  I just feel its more trouble than its worth and thats not good.  So balance boredom against frustration.  I dont know.

I’m off to bed.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.

jacqui

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I’m not sure

If its the right time.  I’m never sure if its the right time.  i’ve had enough.  I’ve had enough of washing in my kitchen.  Washing is on the chairs, the floors.  Open up a tumble drier and yip, got washing in it.  I really have had enough and today is the day.  The laundry baskets will be removed.  The dry washing will be put away.  Washing shouldnt be left in a kitchen.  It should be dealt with.  No fuss, no excuse just sorted.

Washing deflates me.  I have a heavy heart when I see piles of clothes just placed in the stupidest of places.  I cant even blame the kids.  O but guess who does create the piles and fks off????  That would be Mr B but one day, he’ll pay.

jacqui

BST has ended

I personally think the pissing about with our time is mad.  An extra hr here.  Take it away there.  Its all a bit nuts.  I’m wakened up at 7am by No 7 child.  His face is covered in cocoa pops.  Choc milk is trickling down his neck.  He’s standing in front of me with a oops look on his face.  I’ve been in bed 7hrs.   My face, half awake isnt sure what sort of expression it should take.  I go with a WTF look.  Its a safe option.  Child starts to cry as I get out of bed.  I take him into the bathroom and ask what happened.  Child No 6 comes upstairs saying his brother was making to much noise with his cereal so just tipped it over his face.  Nothing happened really.

Here we go again.  Its a delivery failure on my part.  Telling them not to eat cereal in the sitting room, what was I thinking.  The fact there’s a huge table in the kitchen sitting waiting to be used doesnt matter.  Its so much easier to carry the freakin cereal upstairs such is the pull of the freakin tv.  Patience required me thinks.  So the floor in the sitting room has been cleaned.  I would have hoped kiddies would have done it but no.  How come kids can scatter the minute they make a mess and reappear the minute some stupid sod has cleaned there mess up.

Ah well.  My floor is clean if you ignore the other cereal bowl that managed to be tipped over.  Its not in my line of vision so I’m pretending its not there.  I haven’t quite managed to finish drying my school uniforms yet so have that to do.  I’m not getting the hang of Sunday’s yet am I??

jacqui

Awful little people

I’m obviously not Mystic Meg but I know Saturday is never the best day for my kids.  I left as usual at noon.  Footie was over.  3 younger boys are looking tired and 2nd daughter is beginning to show signs of attitude.  Daughter is warned, they’re all warned and I leave with my wrath sitting watching over them. Mr B isn’t like me.  His parenting technique is more ignore them (never works, that technique) whereas I rarely leave them alone.  Long story short, 2nd daughter got a pencil stab on her bum (cant think how, she usually sits on it lol) and youngest son got his new wrestling ring complete with a much loved wwe figure smashed.  Some would call it payback, I call it twisted revenge.

I wouldnt mind but I only bought the freakin ring yesterday.  It may only have been 20 quid but I’m really pissed.  I try to keep the peace when home.  I like to think I can calm them down (yeh, right).  I’m sure getting a pencil stab on the arse would hurt except there was no freakin lead so now its a blunt pencil.  He’s only 7 whereas she’s um bigger, with padding.  I dont for a second think she was hurt.  Frustrated and mad as hell but not hurt.

As always kids forgive quickly.  The rain had created a mud hill at the end of my row so youngest 5 thought it a good idea to go out and slide down it?  Seems fair enough to me I guess.  O except they dragged it into my house.  They smeared my floors & walls with mud.  Big droplets on my bannisters and have I been into my bathroom yet?  Have I fk.  I’m not going into that until I have to.  I dont need to.  It’ll have 5 sets of clothes.  It’ll have heaps of dirty towels all over the floor.  Mud will be on my walls, tiles and I bet the toilet seat is even smeared with it.  Quickly searching for any small positive I can find takes me to at least it aint poo.  Is that progress??  I’m not sure actually.

Still 2 kids to go then.  I could type that my 2 eldest being more mature at least in age are behaving like adults in waiting.  I guess they are.  Teenage daughter is displaying signs of PMS.  Wish I had thought up that idea at 14yrs, not sure I would have gotten away with it every week but it seems to work for her.  God, moody teenage girls do my freakin nut in.  I would whisper that I would much prefer to have only sons but someone thought I needed some daughters (yeh, ever thankful, honestly).  Finally onto eldest son.  He went out this afternoon.  It really doesnt bother me when he comes home drunk.  I’m just glad he’s safe.  Tonight he came home at 10pm?  I did ask what happened but he’s a touch tipsy so didnt make much sense.  Think in between the swear words he did try and use words but I had switched off.

 I was home by 6.30pm.  I was sitting at my pc table.  Just minding my own business with my ipod in my ears and our power clicks off.  Darkness descends and kids screaming with glee Mr B goes downstairs to click it into our emergency.  It Scotland, you know we’re a poor lot or at least the previous tenants of my house where.  Anyway my power meter has a key that needs charged with money.  When the money runs out you can take the key out, return it & £5 appears.  Its a clever little thing unlike Mr B.  My fault, I hadnt given him money for it Doh!!!

Mr B.  Seriously the most annoying husband ever.  I think its about now that I should type I’m not perfect but I at least try to keep my lightbulb switched on.  Mr B is frustratingly careless with my power, my money, my temper & my beloved kids.  Seriously leaving 6 of them in the same room is a recipe for disaster.  I’m so disappointed in myself.  I’ve taught him nothing!!!

I should really go.  My mother will be on the phone early tomorrow morning asking if I’m going to mass.  No.  I’m not.  I havent been in my chapel since my Dad’s funeral.  That day it felt like I had business to be done.  I’m not sure I would be able to sit in my row, knowing my dad will never sit beside me again.  I remember looking over at his coffin.  My apple sitting on top wondering if God really existed & if he did where the fk was he.     I guess I’m just scared to go back.  That and the fact that I’m still angry with God means I’ll only go back when I have to.  I wonder why my Mother doesnt realise that. 

  I cant put it off any longer.  I’m going to have to go upstairs to the toilet.  My little darlings may have put there mucky clothes in a laundry bin.  They may have put the towels in too if I’m lucky.  They may have washed out the bath, cleaned the floor and left a winning lottery ticket on my pillow or they could have left my bathroom like a nuclear fall out centre.  However it looks its not going to sort itself is it..

jacqui

At the top of the list is..

This morning it has to be tidy up.  I could start texting around, see if anyone is free for a bit of housework.  This is one of the reasons Mr B is so invaluable.  He just does the tidy shit without being seen.  On the morning they all go to football I get up and think WTF happened.  Mr B is like substitute parents, for me anyway.  When I lived at home if I dropped it they picked it up.  It was never mentioned.  I’m seething my kids expect the same treatment. 

The school washing was not washed last night.  My fault.  I just didnt bother collecting it, sorting it or putting it into the machine.  That live in the moment thing works.  O darn it I couldnt function if I was to “just be in the moment” for long.  I did try last night.  I lived with my earphones in not allowing anything to distract me from it.  Now, catch up with the washing is necessary.  So much for an enpowering concept.  Stress is all a brief spell in the moment has left me feeling.  I can actually feel my tension rising.  So much for freakin reading.  I think perhaps I should just change my reading subject rather than try to change the way I think lol. 

Well this morning is a wee challenge.  Get my sitting room, kitchen & washing completed by 10.30am.  I have 4 kids home.  Mr I didnt make the mess so I aint cleaning up is lounging on his bed with some footie on.  Eldest daughter is just out of bed.  2nd son is watching some cartoon called fish hooks and youngest daughter is curled up in the corner of a sofa with a laptop.   I hate when its down to me.  Where is a Mr B when you need him eh..

jacqui

Living in the present moment

Yup, reads easy doesnt it?  That title above.  Try putting it into practise.  Come back and tell me, how was that for you.  Let me tell you.  It aint as easy as it sounds.  I get confused easily lol.  It could be because my head is full of crap.  You know the shit we’re supposed to be wary of.  The past reflections.  The future planning.  Now I do get the concept of moment living but planning is required by the majority of us.  Imagine not planning.

Anyway I think I may give the present moment a shot.  If I could figure out just how long this moment thing is I might feel better.   I think for me living in the moment will be day to day rather than whatever its supposed to mean.  I’ll feel a bit more positive if I plan to feel that way.  I am very lucky.  I only do negativety to myself.  I’m not big on sharing in the real world.  I’m always fine.

Not sure where I was going to go with this but heh, my time is up.

jacqui

Who saves your life??

Life is short isnt it.  If I was to write a still to do list it would run into thousands.  I often wonder.  If I had known how my life would have  played out until now would I have been enthusiastic or bitterly disappointed.  O sometimes I can kid myself on.  I remind myself that I’m a good person (my opinion, obviously).  I dont really do selfish.  I care about others.  You know the blah, blah stuff.  All very acceptable just not great.  The but is, have or do I live my life enough for myself.  Maybe we should all ask that question?  I have always thought that at the end of my life I dont want to have any change in my pocket.  I want or wanted the courage to spend everything I possibly could on earth and leave, satisfied that I’d had a blast of a life.  I haven’t.  More than that though, I’m not sure I ever will.

Life is crushingly real.  Its full of other people.  My brain at least jogs with little bits of others stupidity, problems, frustrations.  Call them anything you like but its freakin absurd.  I have people in work who go into a mood at the slightest thing.  Childish little moods which trickle through our entire team.  I have Mr B who can change his mood to total silence in a breath. 

So my to do list.  It would and should be a very personal one.  The silly things.  I’m in a weird mood.  I went to my Dad’s grave this afternoon & cried.  I dont do that.  Last night I thought I should phone my Dad.  A silly thought that just came into my head before I remembered he’s dead.  Maybe thats why.  Maybe its because I am scared that my life will just tick away.  Just like my Dad’s.  Saving money, never spending it.   Buying new stuff but never using it.  I do wonder if just being is enough because I’m scared it not.   Its all very nice.  Its all very safe.  I dont really see the point in all very nice if it isnt very good. 

jacqui