My fault

Yup its all my fault.  I’m taking full responsibility for the moods of my 4 younger children.  It my fault since I gave birth to them.  Its not my fault however that Jack (11) didnt jump on the chosen pair of gloves before one of his younger brothers got to them.  Its not my fault that Lewis (9) didnt like his new Chelsea tracksuit, the one that cost £50.  It aint my fault either that the football top he wanted for his birthday, the one I paid £42 last month that was to small so replaced with a bigger size is.. to small.  For £84 I would have bloody worn it even if I burst out the freakin seams.  The much wanted trainers, the ones no one in school has yet I think reach his exacting standards but such is his mood they have been disgarded.  I’m tempted to send them back but I’m sure he’ll pick them up, eventually.  Its not my fault that daughter Hope (10) has found herself in a mood after visiting in her brothers room.  Not sure what caused her mood.  Her face is seething and she is silent to the question whats wrong so I’m rising above it.  I dislike children who play silent.  It irks me when they choose not to communicate and I have to retreat or go mad at them.  Finally youngest son Nicky (7) came home steaming mad.  he never needs a reason.  He just goes off on one and I hold my breathe till its over. 

I’m actually sitting in silence hoping there moods are absorbed by something that’ll appear quickly and leave without drama.  Eldest 3 kids are due back home in 15mins and if there moods are anything like the younger ones I’m not going to have a good evening.  I always feel backed into a corner, headlights shining on me when they’re all volatile.  I’ve been a parent for so long that I dont absorb there moods anymore.  I used to but as they multiplied I think I imploded one day and have never went to self blame since.  i allow my children the freedom to own there own moods.  This frees me from blame and I hope helps them to keep responsibility for there own choices.  Its good to teach little people tough lessons.  I dont get mad, I dont comment I just leave them to get on with it whilst remaining calm (fk this grown-up shit is tough).

Todays dinner is very easy so no prep work involved.  I havent had any washing from the younger kids this week despite asking for it.  They will have to rollover till next week.  The price they pay for ignoring me lol.  Its Mr B’s wash day tomorrow and since the teachers are on strike & I’m off work I will have all morning to do it.  O goody a full day off work to share with my children.

jacqui

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Largish family, smallish house

I had one of those awkward conversations today.  I just presume people who come into contact with me actually know me.  a woman who comes into my work at least once a week seen me at home.  I must have been putting washing out and she asked why I live where I live.  I’m boring myself now but she thought I had a couple of kids.  She was surprised when I said actually I have 7 children who all live with me.  She was even more shocked to realise I’m married (that one beats me sometimes to.).

 My house I dont think is that small.  I have 4 bedrooms and okay schoolies sleep 3 in a room with eldest having his own space.  I dont think children require a bedroom of there own.  I dont even think they need access to there very own bathroom.  Okay I know they wouldnt agree but I’m not asking.  I dont think anyone is entitled to anything.  This woman had made the assumption that I lived in one of Cumbernauld private estates.  I did laugh at that.  I live in a very tough area.  I dont own my house, I or rather Mr B rents it (I just pay the money). Its one of the roughest council estates in this town & I love it actually.  Well, most of the time I love it.  I dont like my neighbours but I dont have to. 

 I feel amused when people look at me in horror.  My 7 kids werent an accident.  I knew what caused them and I actually chose to get pregnant.  My house is small-ish I guess but its actually okay for me.  I may moan about my boys having a small room but they manage.  I actually dont like people who look at me with a mixture of pity & judgement but heh. 

 I have learned and grown.  I have organisational skills I never knew I had.  I’m a better cook than I ever thought possible & I’m great at dismissing judgemental people who think they’re even just a bit better than me just because they stopped at one child.  I didnt & I never regret not doing so, so there :0)

jacqui

Family recipe

Well if you take 4 sons and add 3 daughters you get a rather chaotic mix.  It doesnt taste or smell great.  I actually hate the noise they make.  Today should be a nice quiet day.  The war broke out before dinner.  Carried on through dinner.  Following dinner we have 2 sons & 2 daughters sent to there rooms.  I guess its a positive that there pj’s are already on & they’re ready for there beds.

So invites have been sent out for boxing day.  Instead of my own family of 9 I’ve asked my Mother and my big Sis over for dinner.  The extra 2 wont really be noticed in terms of my cooking but seating an extra 2 isnt as easy.  I’m hoping a couple of the kids will volunteer to sit on my colourful bar stools and leave space at the table for the grown-ups.  Thats a hope that might not happen but I can dream.  Its funny how adding 2 or 3 kids doesnt really bother me but make it family members and I can feel the stress rising already.

My christmas buying has came on leaps and bounds.  Despite saying please choose out of shops rather than online they didnt.  I guess online shopping is easier I just hate hundreds coming out my bank a/c at one time.  I have bloody cash put away and yet my bank card is red hot today.  I still have to buy for my sister, always a difficult one.  My mother, yet another difficulty and Mr B, he is a serious pain.  He prefers cash whilst I dont like handing over money.  I usually buy everyone small things with one biggy, trouble is I dont know what kind of biggy to get him.  His biggy gets £200 but I have no idea what to buy since he got a laptop for his birthday & a rather swish power washer yet to be opened.  I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

Right now I have eldest giving me earache because one of his sisters failed to do her dishes chore.  I hate when my dishes routine is knocked out.  Her failure with her chore has resulted in her being sent to bed and she has to do them tomorrow.  Kinda makes a mess of the rota but at least shes not getting away with it.

its been a long day today…

jacqui

Want to play??

I didnt feel much like playing today.  My younger cousin called Knob had other ideas.  I was standing outside Tesco when Knob came out.  Normally he would walk past me and that suits me.  Today he stopped and I attempted to be pleasant.  I said I hope you continue to see my Mother once a week adding nothing would get me to visit her every week.  i genuinely meant that.  It wasnt meant as anything other than a statement of fact.  He leans forward and says i was bang out of order with what I said at the cemetary about my mother, especially with my dad lying there.  I felt like I had been punched.  i replied well thats your opinion & like arseholes we all have them.  He said well that is my opinion and I repeated what I said.  He turned and walked away quickly.  Yeh cos I dont need the last word.  Thats mature I shouted, think his ears must be still ringing.

If he hadnt mentioned my Dad he may have been safe from my wrath.   I’m not sure what I said that was so out of order but I would stand by it all.  My Mother is self absorbed.  I wont take my children to see a woman they dont know just because she gave birth to me.  If my Mother suddenly wants a relationship with me or my kids its all a little to late.  She doesnt ever say anything to me anyway.  I dont feel I owe anyone anything, including my Mother.  i actually try to be honest with myself and that means I continue to distance myself from her.  If I had just one more day I still wouldnt like my Mother.  I would however still miss my dad.  I’m sorry if that hurts anyone but thats life.  I’m 46yrs old.  I cut loose a long time ago from my parents and  I’m doing okay, I hope.

jacqui

Full lunchbox

Its easy.  I make the lunches & I expect them to be eaten.  I realise I cant please all of the people all of the time but, but.  All lunchboxes had stuff left.  Eldest daughter didnt like her crackers, 2nd daughter it was her cereal bar.  First son his wholemeal roll (O I do try).  Next daughter its her yoghurt.  2nd son its his fruit (apple & orange).  Final son pretty much everything.

I sit down and make lunches for all six most nights.  It doesnt matter whether I’m tired or not, I do it.  I give a roll, wholemeal or white, some have  crackers depending on there preference.  I give cheese, ham or chicken.  I give yoghurt & if I give the wrong flavour to the wrong kid I’m in trouble.  Some only take a yoghurt drink.  Fruit is a nightmare.  Apples, banana’s, pears or clementines; all have 2 different pieces & I usually get it right.  All get crisps & hopefully I’m awake enough to pay attention to who gets what or they nick them from each other.  Some take cereal bars others take choc kit-kats.  Finally a carton of juice and lunches are made.  Simple eh??

If I was to think about it I doubt I could do it.  I have 6 children and I manage to remember all there little likes and dislikes.  So when I go and find the lunchboxes I dont appreciate half eaten stuff left inside.  I appreciate even less the fact that they cant find a freakin bin to dispose of anything, even a banana skin (2nd son!!!).  If I could be bothered I would just leave them to make there own.  In theory that would be a fab idea but six bodies trying to fight each other for the last raspberry yoghurt doesnt give me a happy vibe.  They should all have sussed, I eat it lol. 

 I actually have a fridge for there lunchboxes.  They’re supposed to put them in when they return from school.  The reality is I have to find them in there school bags most nights.  If they get cute and leave them in school then lunch goes in a carrier bag.  I fill there boxes, put them in the fridge and my job is done.  I’m just going to whisper this I hate making lunches.  Its almost worth a tenner a day just so that I dont have to do it.  I have to remember that child 1 eats ready salted & cheese n onion; child 2 eats BBq & cheese n onion; child 3 eats salt n vinegar & prawn cocktail; child 4 cheese n onion & ready salted; child 5 prawn cocktail & BBq and finally child 6 is simple 2 packs of BBq.  Thats just the freakin crisps.  Okay, I get why I do it.  No one else would be mad enough to care what kind of bloody crisps they get.

jacqui

Normality restored

Im not best pleased that normality has speedily returned.  Our house inspection was yesterday.  I’m astonished how well everyone worked to get the house not only clean but tidy.  What a difference a day makes though.  Today we’re all back to normal.  Me stuck in the kitchen washing & cooking and kids on the mass distruction course.  It never fails to amaze me.  They can freakin destroy a room without making a sound.

I do get why.  When the house is ultra tidy I revert to this kind of she devil.  Did you drop that crumb, paper?  Is that your seatshirt or trainers, Did you have juice and forget that was your cup?  I seriously go into hyper critical mode to the extent that even I hate the sound of my own voice.  The slightest thing sends me rabid. 

This afternoon when I came upstairs I looked at my bookcase, no big deal.  I have 5 shelves of readers digest books.  I’ve never read any of them, they’re just for the look.  Every shelf is colour blocked.  No 2 colours ever meet but the book braiding must be symetrical on every shelf.  Its a silly little thing that drives me nuts.  Anyway looking over I notice not only have I got 3 books of the same colour side by side they’ve only gone and fkd the braiding on 3 shelves.  I’m struck by not only how totally freakin mad I am but at how twistedly clever one of my little people are to have thought of it.  I wouldnt dream of giving Mr B the credit for thinking that little gem up, he wouldnt notice if the entire contents where removed never mind the out of sync book bindings.  I know, tragically mind numbing but such is my world.

I’m actually a bit pissed off today.  I came home feeling really happy yesterday.  All I had to do was cook dinner.  I feel like a little mouse back on the freakin wheel today.  Plodding ever around, getting nowhere fast.  More washing (and can Mr B not put the freakin washing somewhere, anywhere but the fkn kitchen table).  9  people for dinner and i really dont mind the kids inviting friends  for dinner but a bit more notice would be appreciated.  Telling me as they sit down at the table is a little inconvenient.  Okay they were very little at 3 & 7 but honestly I didnt even get asked if I minded!

Well the plan for tonight is get the boys to tidy the sittingroom when they return from footie.  I really resent how the just skip merrily out leaving there kit bag on my sittingroom floor and bits of football kit everywhere.  They sit on my sofa’s, fk with my cushions and piss off without so much as a backward glance.  O and they’re back, o goodie..

jacqui