Its a start

The start of something new.  A new year.  A chance to try again and get the fkd up stuff right.  I just hope this coming yr can be as cool and calm as possible.

It would be nice to hope that we’re all sharing it with the people we love most but thats part of the fkd up stuff.  people shift there worlds away, people die; people just do whatever they want.  Some are just left open mouthed wondering.  maybe its time to stop wondering and live, just because we can.

Happy new yr

jacqui x

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Another day

Yet another day filled with house stuff.  I’m going to tidy up my nest area.  This is the area around my pc table.  Its known as home to me so it keeps all my personal shit.  My handbag & jewellery boxes.  Its actually just a very small space, just over filled and it needs cleared.

Its hogmany tomorrow.  Not sure if anywhere else celebrates the bells which is what the stroke of midnight is here in Scotland.  Seems typical that we give a second in time its very own special name.  In my house the celebration & drinking doesnt start until midnight though think many start sooner.  We will have our salmon sandwiches, shortbread and black bun ready before hand.  Bins are emptied and calendars are held in my hands ready to be ripped.  Jeez so much to do in such a little second.  Not sure how I’m going to feel at this passing year.

I’m not sure I’ve personally had highs this year.  Started it off with my op, followed by wks of my bile drain.  Thats was easy compared to what came later.  dad dying was something I had never, ever thought would happen.  He was supposed to be indestructable as all our Daddy’s are.  I sometimes wonder if Dad’s realise just how big they are in our lives.  They are simply irreplaceable.  the people we turn to whenever we need a kick up the arse, a telling off or just a word of your ok or you will be.  That wasn’t just my Dad.  Thats all Dads so dont ever underestimate the role of dad.  I feel very alone now. 

 Now  I have to stand tall alone.  I know I’m not but really I am.  Maybe we all feel like that at some point but I now find myself worrying.  If death is so easy to reach for my Dad well fk me but it’ll come easy for all, including me.  I’m not grown up enough for that reality, I’m really not.  Sometimes when i’m in the toilet smoking I chuckle to myself.  I look like a grown-up.  I try to act like a grown-up but actually I have little clue to what the fk i’m doing.  If I’m a grown-up God help me cause inside I dont feel it.  I just act it quite well sometimes but act it is.  Maybe I’m just immature and if I am they cool.  I can play at being the toughie when required.  I dont like to rely on anyone so I can work my money, my house and even my children on my own.  Working my head isnt that easy though lol.

Anyway this is just a distraction from clearing my nest so better go get it done. 🙂

Jacqui

Just a glimmer

I had a brief glimpse of freedom.  I got to go out this morning.  Woohoo a trip to Asda.  Okay my online shop was due to be delivered but since I dont buy cigarettes (I know, giving up is on my to do list) online I needed to go shopping.  Slight prob in that I couldnt find my debit card but I did have cash, another woohoo!!

I have started reading a book called dotox the mind.  Its a book reminding us that good mental health is as important as physical health.  So with this in mind I flicked through the book before bed last night.  It gives a task a day for 30 days.  The first task is to go out and smile, not a prob.  I’m big on smiling.  I think sometimes i do it to much but heh, I go with it.  First person I see is the shop security guard.  She’s a very young woman and she gets a smile.  I actually gave her a genuine smile.  She kinda looked at me like I was mad but she did smile back.  i think I’m on a roll so smile at the next person passing me.  Now she smiled back, just an old woman who smiled.  Person behind her wasnt so forthcoming but I figured since she wasn’t blessed in the good-looks dept maybe she doesnt have much of a reason to smile; go figure.

I do try to keep it up but then I hit the problem of smiling at a guy.  Guys look at you like you have a motive for smiling.  Some and its usually older men smile back, younger guys just look oddly like why are you doing that haha.  maybe i am a bit nutty but I did try.  It didnt make me feel any better than usual it just, well, made me smile.

With that I think I may go um clean a toilet bowl, I may try smiling but dont think it’ll help but it is my assignment for the day :))

jacqui

Alone again

Mr B has returned to work.  I think I’m relieved to have my house back to normal.  Christmas has been & gone.  The stress of boxing day wasnt required.  My Mother was fine.  She ate my food without complaint and sat quietly.  It cant be easy coming into the chaos of my home.  There is always noise, never silence.  Drama is just part of our everyday life and I’m more than a bit immune to it all.  I just keep my head down and try not to get caught in the crossfire haha.  I always feel very strained when Mr B spends so much time at home.  It makes me realise how freakin bloody annoying he is.  In real time I hate over opinionated people and he’s up there with the best.  Worse hes over critical of my children, even when he’s wrong which I really cant freakin stand.  I’m not sure its required to call your children names but heh, what do I know.

Anyway moving on.  Kids have had a fun day.  Lots of bathes, hair drying and a general chill day.  The new wii seems to have taken over from the xbox and they all seem to be having fun.  It wont last but fun is cool if only for a short time.

Now Mr B has returned to his 7pm finish I can now stop all the freakin meat & 3 veg cooking.  Get back to the “crap” food as he calls it.  I dont really care if its crap, they eat it & I am not the nutrition police.   Tonight its just homemade pizza, nothing fancy.  I do use wholemeal flour and organic tomato topping so I do try.  Me, I’m piss bored, missing work.  Hating freakin housework.  I seem to always have my hand down the bloody toilets cleaning them.  I’ve even had to empty my kitchen bin.  Eldests girlfriend appears to have moved in.  She’s been here since boxing day & is showing no signs of moving.  She’s a very nice person.  Very quiet and unassuming.  Its just she’s here – always.  Its grating on my nerves thats all lol..

jacqui

 

Santa Claus was early

Santa arrived just before 3am in my house.  I could hear 1 of my younger sons shouting.  I do this thing of just putting noise into my dream.  Clever eh.  By 4am I’m downstairs to total mess.  I couldnt get through my sittingroom door.  Kids had just chucked the wrapping paper at the door.  4 black bags later i can almost see enough of the floor to know, its still there.

Youngest did throw his dummy.  He also threw his army tank and new phone at me.  After a good deal of swearing he decided he wasn’t going to get his top-up entered into his phone and gave up.  I know its Christmas but next year, i’m not doing the Santas been thing.  I get up alone despite there dad being here & going to bed at the same time as me.  His bah humbug attitude means he doesnt really share in the present opening.  He much prefers sleeping & so would I.  I did actually get to bed, thats a first in a good few years but a little bit of sleep is as bad for me as none.  Getting to bed at 2am was way to late.

So next year I’m not going to put anything out.  There will be controlled entry of presents and they will just have to lump it.  I’m old, knackered and I have bloody breakfast lunch & dinner still to create.

Oops almost forgot its Christmas, enjoy!!!!

jacqui

Galloping trojan

It started as a quick trip to see what time our Christmas carnival opened.  Suddenly I have a page up telling me Strathclyde police have locked my computer & wanted £100 to unlock it.  It did mention pornographic sites, violent downloads & unsolicited bulk emails (my offence).  After my original WTF I realise its a scam.  No one would dare look up porno & as for violence, well why bother.  I cant however access anything.  I cant system restore and forget safe mode.  I’ve never been able to access that from my tower.  Anyway not having time to piss about with any pc I just left it.  I went to big sis’s house with her presents.  Goodness, long afternoon.

That done and its off to my Mothers.  I take a deep breath as I go through her front door.  She’s only gone & changed the cushion on my Dad’s chair.  Bloody huge thing just makes it look even more empty.  A new picture of my Dad & my youngest daughter Hope in her communion dress looks on his empty chair.  I cant believe my Dads been dead 5 months, it still feels like yesterday sometimes.  Anyway, gave my Mother her gifts.  Told her to enjoy tomorrow with sis and I will see her boxing day.  She actually looked okay.  I think she dealt with her grief as it hit & that helped her.  I had thought that the 3wks of knowing Dad was dying would help prepare for it, didnt actually.  Who the fk dies of a brain tumor with a 3wk turnaround anyway.

Tomorrow is about the kiddies.  Its not about anything else.  I have no idea what time they will be up.  As is normal we wont actually manage to get to bed tonight but I still get over excited & couldnt possibly sleep anyway.  No midnight mass so all I have to do is wait…

Happy Christmas.  I hope you have a fun filled day & share it with the ones you love xx.

O and my trojan virus was zapped by Malbytes.  I love a happy ending 🙂

jacqui