As today hopped towards this evening I knew it was going to be a bumpy night. Eldest daughter came home with a serious attitude. I knew trouble was approaching but didnt know who was going to get her wrath. 2nd daughter was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I try not to get involved between them. I prefer to bellow for eldest son who turns himself into a sumo ninja and breaks them up. I had decided that the girls room was just to much of a tip for me to deal with. I had just parted with a fkn grand & I was in no mood for being nice.
My girls whilst I love them to bits are pigs. Lazy pigs who have had everything there little hearts could possibly desire. They ask, I buy. The consequence is they are all spoilt. They retire to there room to bitch about how hard done to they are and how its all my fault. I rise above it. I take there wii, laptops and mobile phones. If they aint for tidying I aint for playing. My fab little darlings went to sleep haha.
I did fair better with my younger son’s. They just need to be spoken to in a soothing voice. Ask them to understand from my point of view. They have a conflab & agree to sort there mess. No huffing just tidy there shit away. Son’s 3 & 4 really are good. I’m now wondering why as my brain hits lightbulb, they want new trainers. They will tow my line until they have them then revert to type. All I have to do is hold out & not buy them lol.
I’m still annoyed about the grand bill. Fuckin, fuckin pissed is a better description. If your wondering why I dont just say something or refuse I honestly dont know. Perhaps because if I do say something I will get the mind game of of course he understands. He knows hes taking advantage but its in hand, it will be paid back. My brain would scream. I would end up imploding. I would get whats the prob, you got the money, it’ll get paid back? Easy. O yeh, easy when its my money. I wasnt brought up that way. Whats his is his own & mine should be mine. That was a dedision he made when it suited him. We have never been equals when it comes to money. I’ve always had it & he knows how to just fritter it. Its crazy. You have a bill approaching why the fuck would you not budget for it?
Not to worry 🙂 I will get over it. Of course I should wise up but heh what would I have to moan about haha. Tomorrow is another day and I will drop my money into the bank so my bank balance doesnt go down. Its probably just me but I sometimes think my family only tolerate me because of my monetary value. Mum buy me this, mum pay for that. Jacq have you paid, could you pay. Is it sad that I wish just once in a while someone would say its okay I’ll pay & I dont mean a freaking mcdonalds latte. Wonder how they would feel about me if I wasn’t the bank cashier they all think I am. Well at least they all can stick the card in my mouth, hit the numbers on my foehead beside the word mug and out pops money. How freakin cool that must be for them all.
Whenever someone says something to me I absorb it, believe it and carry on. Its not unusual for me to find out that there words are worthless. Hot air rediates out and I’m left surprised. I’m not even disappointed anymore. Its like dealing with an irresponsible child in a mans body. The down side is I’ve just had to give out £1011 for a bill that arrived in Oct with a deadline of today. Could I have said no? Um when people know you have money its a bit mean to say actually no, I’m not going to pay it. At least thats what I think.
Okay bill has been paid. The promise of paying it back at £50 a week is meaningless. The good intention will last for a few weeks but then it’ll get to hard. Something will get in the way. I will seethe for a while, shrug and carry on. Its typical Jacq response to being used for her money. Payback never happens. I get bored with the dripping of I have to wrok hard for my money whilst you, you just have it lol. Money didnt come easy to me either. I’m just very good at working it. My money wont last forever but pointing that out doesnt seem to be taken seriously.
Younger kids are home. Son 3 is in a bad mood. I allow my kids there moods and I dont ever try and get them out of there moods. Fretting and questioning why they’re in a mood does no good. I prefer to go to silent and ignore it. So son 3 is watching the tv, flicking through the channels and everyone else is doing whatever. My only rule for moody kids is leave them alone. Let them have there space. For me there’s nothing worse than people asking silly questions like whats wrong. If he wanted to tell he would and asking wont make him change his mind.
For tonights entertainment I have the girls bedroom to sort out. Youngest daughter is getting a new wardrobe delivered tomorrow morning which means bedroom has to be changed back to look habitable rather than a dumping ground for chaos. The fact thats its the bedroom of my 3 daughters means guys aren’t allowed so its down to me. I also have to relocate my display cabinet from there room. It was moved in there in 2010 to make way for the Christmas tree. It was just never rehoused. It does have a space it just doesnt belong there. Slight problem in that it has all my buddhas on it. I think at last count i had over 30 on it. Buddhas are just one of my things. I have them in most rooms as well as outside in my garden. I just love the peace they rediate but where the hell to put them. I have no idea. It’ll come to me. I do know they’re not coming back into my sitting-room. I have enough in here. Could be the best idea is to box them up & put them in the loft. Trouble with that is when I see them I’ll love them all over again and want to see them often lol.
Tonights dinner is Shepherds pie. That means using the freakin oven. I did clean my other 2 ovens last night so wont be using them. I’ll just have to use the one that has a blown light. That way I dont need to look at it. Its wonderful buying online. It takes days for anything to arrive.
I was informed by eldest that I was going out tonight. Simple reason he wanted to have a couple of friends over rather than go out. His solution to having no money was to say he was babysitting for me. So instructions given. I was not to go downstairs under any circumstances. I was not to raise my voice & I was not to attempt leaving my sitting-room. Not my idea of a night out.
I did try to just sit down, go nowhere & do nothing. Toilet however isnt on this level so I chanced it and went downstairs. So far so good. Made it to the loo, even washed my hands. I could hear them screeching so they didnt notice. I took my jacket, a bottle of merlot & a rather large glass outside. I took my little ipod, turned it on & what a fabulous time I had. In my pocket was a bottle of bubbles too. Hardly drank the wine but my God, the sky. I’m a big sky watcher. I love that great expanse. I’ve always been dumb struck by the thought that its something we all share. Never mind just beyond it is the heavens. The twinkling sky though is stunning tonight. Sometimes when I look skyward it makes everything alright in my world. Ever need grounding? Go look at the night sky. It reminds me how totally insignificant I am in this world. Works for me.
You know when kids are young & we give them bubbles to blow? Its something I never stopped doing. I love blowing bubbles. I dont care how old I am. Its fab just being still, blowing bubbles. Nothing feels quite so fun under my sky tonight. I really dont care how childish it is. My cupboards always have bubbles. When the shit hits my fan I can usually be found blowing bubbles at some point. I guess its my way of reminding myself that all shit, big or small passes, just like my bubbles. The purple of the bubbles reminds me of purple rain. Dig deep and carry on. The gateway to hell is closed haha.
So I’m back inside. I listened to some crazy shit music. Not surprised I didnt drink. My ipod has all manner of music from hootie & the blowfish to wet, wet, wet. Even found some Billy Ocean & Phil Collins. A life without music is a very dull one. Having said that I’m currently listening to Marti Pellow singing Goodnight Girl. I once heard him sing that in a Glasgow pub. Probably time for my cold sheet & warm pillows 🙂 Ni-night world
In my quest for an easier life, I’m beginning to think the answer is to simplify. If I could simplify everything and jig my timings a bit I should be able to reduce the stress I feel. I need to simplify my routines and give myself a break if & when required. I’m very fortunate. I work with lots of older women. They’re families are grown & long gone. The wealth of there wisdom is priceless. I’m a bit of a sponge and absorb everything. M is a delightful woman. She’s the same age as my own Mother. Having brought up 5 kids she kinda gets where I’m coming from when I moan about my washing or the mess they leave.
Okay she does remind me I have it easy. I have electrical gizz’s that werent around when she was bringing up her kids. My washing machine & tumble driers do obviously make my life easier. My toilets maybe need forever cleaning but they are inside my house, not outside. I have central heating. I only need to turn up my thermostat and heat is mine. I have duvet covers that I can change in a breath not blankets and I have fan assisted ovens to cook my refridgerated food. Yup, my life is indeed easy.
I am however a modern day woman. I want everything & I want it perfectly delivered. I am part of the growing society that doesn’t just want posessions, I need them. My home is a testament to how much material “stuff” I have needed to buy just to rediate my worth. My worth shouldnt be about how much stuff i have or how much it cost me. I sometimes wish I could leave the price tag on my most treasued things. Its a bit tragic when thinking about it. The things I treasure are the things that cost me the most. Fuck, I am one of those hateful women who prices up worth depending on how much it cost. Thats a realisation eh.
The silly thing is I get the most enjoyment out of the simplest of things. A bath in my stark bathroom. Dinner around my table, asking my kids the questions of the day and listening to there replies. Getting into my bed alone and feeling the cold sheets but turning my pillow over so that its warm (crazy but my heater is against top of my bed & heat comes through the wood). How easy it is to forget the simple things.
So I’m now off to clean my stark bathroom. Then its a chicken curry and all boys out by 5.30pm for football. The empty packets of crisps on my coffee table? Nah they wont stress me out. They can just sit there till I crack haha.
That oven of mine defeated me. It defeated my bicarbonate of soda. It defeated my dishwasher salt. It didnt even respond well to my scraper. Its just not for cleaning without heavy duty oven cleaner. I feel so defeated but heh I did so try. I will have to dig deep in my unused cleaning cupboard. The cupboard where all the nasty stuff is kept. I’m not much of a heavy duty user so really dont go there. A couple of boxes of oven cleaner are in there. I cant wait to use it lol.
So the oven seen me in the silliest of positions. Why the hell is such an important part of a cooker at the freakin bottom. I refuse to put my arse in the air so kneeled at it. I did scrape most of the debris off but my wire racks just took the piss & refused to give up there carbon deposits. Lesson should be learned. One lesson I did learn is dont let eldest touch my cooker. He asked if he could put the oven on & blew the sodding bulb. Now I guess no one can see its not shiney clean haha.
It was a get busy day for most of us. A major hotspot has been eliminated. My coat cupboard has been stripped bare. Everyone has removed there jackets/coats and 4 black bags later we appear to have order. Eldest has 2 extra sets of drawers waiting to be picked up mid week. My original pc tower is also waiting to get its hard drive removed then its off to the tip. Its funny looking at it. A hulking great thing with an enormous screen. Did I really use that?
Under my stairs has also been cleared. My cheeky little devils would just chuck there clean washing under there. There was a mountain of clean laundry & all manner of stuff. Clutter. I used to love it. i’ve grown weiry of it. I need to get some space & not so I can fill it with more crap. Its always been a bit disheartening to tidy out a space then realise I’ve filled it up just as quickly. I’m sure theres a reason why I did it. Its just the reason to stop it is bigger. I dont have the energy or the time to keep tidying up. The pockets of mess drive me senseless. I have enough trouble just keeping on top of the cooking, washing & ironing. Mix in my toilet cleaning habit & I’m knackered. Okay, knackered but I do have clean loo’s lol.
I’ve not really had much time to think today. Thats not a bad thing. I’m afraid I’m never suptle with my people and as ever told it like it is today. i did put a rocket up there arses and most of them helped in some way. I just feel very frustrated on a Sunday. Mon to fri I leave my kitchen ship shape & orderly. Everything is put away and nothing is left out of place. Saturday lingers into a Sunday morning and I’m met with the dishes that haven’t been put away. A table full of crap because they dont sit at the table and washing everywhere. Its not nice, it jangles my nerves and I do my best to tell them all without nagging. Its maybe that they dont see it but I do and it drives me mad.
I have managed to fit in my school ironing & I’ve made my packed lunches with the help of youngest. I cleared out one of my wardrobes this evening. Okay that was because i had piles of clothes everywhere in my bedroom and nowhere to put them. I now have my clothes in a wardrobe and 3 balck bags for charity so that was worthwhile. It just goes to show that a little bit of effort can give oodles of rewards.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” I cant remember who said that. Its my quote on my facebook page and I think its a fabulous quote. Tomorrrow is another day & tomorrow I will get another little piece of mess sorted. A little bit will add up to a lot, eventually. Ni-night world..
Its Sunday. The peace of Sunday has started. Only because youngest has been taken to mass so its quiet. In fairness its son 2 who starts the trouble but he’s still in bed? I’m thinking perhaps I should send out a wish from here. When I got up about 20 mins ago its was very peaceful in here. My 2nd cup of coffee has just been delivered and although its unnerving I’m going with it.
Nothing to type, nothing at all this morning. Not quite sure if thats a good thing or a bad?
I’m going to adopt a new saying for my kiddy moments. Simple, direct. Its keep calm & carry on. I’m sometimes surprised that when I leave ’em they just carry on. I went out today for lunch with my sis & eldest tagged along. Not my idea of fun having one of my kids out with me. I did get my birthday presents and a great conversation about the monarchy. Dont quite know how or why but my sister is a huge royalist. Personally, I think the whole royal thing is a pile of shite. I’m just typing it lol.
Anyway on returning I find son 3 has a nasty looking burst lip. They all go to silence which is never good. I ask what happened and daughter 2 kicked his face. After the event info is rubbish. 5 people with different answers. Even the 2 involved dont quite remember what happened. I get something about a spilt cup of coffee. Daughter losing her temper. Son’s face got in the way of her foot. O they all seen it they just dont think its a big deal. Okay, ye fuckin wit now. I attempt to try and convince them that in house fighting never ends well. They all cloud over. There focus shifting to some crap on the tv. I’m obviously wasting my breath. Eldest informs me its all perfectly normal for siblings to hate each other. I assume from that he means lump it Mother. I dont like violence. I dont hit my children. Is it to much to expect them not to hit or kick each other. Before I had finished typing the last sentence I knew the answer. Yes, it is to much to expect.
I cant stop them from hitting or kicking each other. I figure they’ll grow out of it. At least I freakin hope they grow out of it. I just sometimes feel scared they’re going to go to far and really hurt each other. I think the fact they haven’t is more luck than design. I am going to try really hard to stick to my current way of dealing with it. My way is to remove the offending child and stand them outside my front door for there age in minutes. If they’re dressed with clothes on & shoes, great. If not, tough I dont mind them showing there pj’s to the world. Not sure how many have been out, probably all of them at some point but they know when my buttons are being pressed. They also know usually with me when to stop.
My kids know I shout a lot. Mostly, its for effect & to be heard above the noise. I’m not given to being bad mooded with them. Intolerant yes lol but never moody. Mr B’s mood today was described as thunderous. Apparently when I go out thats always his mood. The kids used to say stuff about how moody he was. He used to throw them on my sofa’s but a few very stern words from me was enough to stop that. I actually thought he had got over whatever his prob was. It appears thats not the case. He smacked daughter 2 on the arm today following the scuffle with her brother. Okay thats not the way I would have handled it. I would have removed Joy from the room. Put her into her bedroom and waited until she was calm & spoken to her. She’s a smart 12yr old. She knows right from wrong and its unusual for her to show aggression without cause. There would have been a trigger. I would much rather speak to her and find out why than hit her. That makes me feel very uncomfortable. I guess different parents have different techniques. Parents who smack fail. No if, buts or maybe’s. The minute you strike a child of any age when your in a temper you lose.
I’m off to bed. I have a hope that tomorrow morning I’m not wakened by screaming children. I know one day the kids will have grown enough that they dont fight or squabble about what to watch on tv or who finished the cocoa pops. I’m not wanting to fast forward to those days but a little more calm would be so very nice.