A visit from my past life

As a grown up I try not to visit my past to often.  The stuff I grew up with is private.  I dont discuss it.  I never mention it.  Last night eldest went out with his friend.  Eldest had been drinking since the afternoon.  I texted & asked if he had his key.  No came  the reply but he’d will be home soon.  My front door is locked at night.  Anyway I hear him walking along the hall.  i had expected him to use the letter box like most people would but he jumped over my garden wall & through the backdoor.  Okay so I go downstairs, knock on his door & walked in.  Out came a disgusted and what do you want you nosey ignorant bastard.  Um, I reply with an excuse me and did he not just say it again.  His friend is sitting on his bed.  So what do i do to a 20yr old who’s obviously very drunk?  Its a no brainer for me.  i point my finger and say quietly  kitchen, now.  Into the kitchen we go and he sits on a chair.  He’s ready for a fight.  Here’s were my experience comes in.  I stand, non aggressive and say very quietly you do not ever talk to me like that.  I stand whilst he rabbits on and interrupt with my blah, blah.  He says I wasnt listening.  OMG  my Dad is back.  Sitting in front of my, pissed as a fart.  The only thing missing was the fists banging.

jacqui

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Big long day

Just a crap filled day.  Work is a struggle but actually I cant be arsed typing about it.  My peace is about to be shattered.  My son’s are about to run through my door.  Football is now over.  The 2hrs of peace passed between talking on the phone and asda online shopping.  Hate when I have free time and just dont appreciate it lol.

Isn’t it funny when someone reminds you of a date.  You know you should remember it but can’t quite remember why.  We have a training seminar tomorrow.  Soon as I read the date I felt annoyed.  It didnt really bug me other than I felt bad mooded.  maybe a fri thing?  Anyway Happy birthday to everyone who has a birthday tomorrow.

Just one more working day & I have a fortnight off.

Jacqui

Not sure

If today was a good day or not.  Think our fabulous weather is unsettling everyone including me.  I slept well last night.  Even turning over and seeing Mr B’s face didnt bother me.  Getting up, well i always do that lol.  Went to work and it was a no stress day really.  stress normally kicks in at 3.05pm.  Welcome to the reality of primary school children.

Today was a different day.  Baby son had an after school club for an hour.  It was honestly bliss.  He usually comes home with all guns firing and I hate how he upsets the mood.  Today the other’s came home & went out into the garden.  No one had attitude.  No one demanded anything and I cruised towards dinner with half a smile.  Okay it didnt become a full smile.  Youngest returned home.  I can’t even remember what he demanded but think I said no and the mood is set – bloody annoyed.  He always wants something and I’m trying not to always give in.  Doesnt make my day any easier but its good to say no.  Football time is fast approaching so dinner is quick.

Football gets in the way.  Our usually chat about our day is cut short.  Instead of asking each of them about there days, the highs, lows, funny bits and the bits they enjoyed all I have time for is anything anyone wants to share.  Its a no brainer really.  Of course they dont want to share.  They want to eat or not.  They dont want to talk.  O they want to bicker & squabble but talking is not on the menu.

So onto all things domestic.  O like I could forget haha.  My washing routine is going well.  My 3 daughters almost went to 3wks without getting any washing done but they saved themselves at the last minute.  My washing deadline is 6pm.  I had to set that otherwise I would be washing at 11pm.  Girls produced there washing at 5.55pm.  Okay so the content was light but they did get the essentials done.  Clean pj’s and underwear will have to do.  i should fair better tomorrow.  My younger son’s are so much better.  they bring there laundry down first thing in the morning and there is no drama.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is as good a day as today, here’s hoping eh.  Ni-night

jacqui

Broken, sick, knackered..

3 simple words that describe the state of my pc tower.   I guess I’m a dinosaur.  I like sitting awkwardly at my pc table.  I sit half looking at my screen and half at the body of my room.  Went out today as happy as a little spring bunny.  My pc was turned off.  return 7hrs later and its fkd.  Cant get into my system at all.  Can’t even get in from safe mode.  I know less than diddley shit so if I cant get in off safe mode it takes a better being than I to sort it.

So now I’m on a laptop.  It’s Mr beans and whilst i dont like using it at least I can.   Kids dont appear to to in any hurry to let me use there’s so I am grateful that he left.  No permission required if he’s at work lol.

So its Saturday.  i wakened up this morning to the sound of silence.  I know, silence.  Love a Saturday morning.  My 4 sons where up and out to football before 8am.  I went to the toilet at about 9am.  i did return to bed but it just felt so wrong not to tip toe downstairs and just enjoy the silence.  Much as I love all of my children its fabulous when I get a little bit of silence.  I treasure those little moments.  Okay so my 3 daughters didnt get up until a bit later but heh, I wasnt caring.

I should have maybe used my silent time to do some of that house shit I so often moan about but I just sat in my garden.  The breeze meant my wind chimes were chiming and who cares that I dont little else.  Since dad died if I hear my windchimes i like to think he’s part of the sound.  First time they chimed after his death it was a still day, no breeze.  When I’m in bed thinking about Dad I often hear them just as I think about him.  I dont care if its not real.  Its a little thing I like that keeps my connection alive.

Well 11pm is fast approaching.  6 youngest kids are all in bed.  Eldest’s GF is going to visit family in Bradford on Monday so she’s nowhere to be seen.  Actually I havent seen eldest since I went into his bedroom this morning, just to look at his face.  I’m going to miss him.  At almost 21yrs I know the time is coming when he’ll want to leave home.  Not sure how i’ll feel.  No, i do.  i will feel incredibly sad.  I dont ever think the day will come when I dont worry about him or any of his siblings for that matter.  Not sure parents are supposed to.  I just hobble along and do whatever feels right.  Not the greatest approach to parenting but it works for me.

jacqui

Reality check

A woman in my works husband died last night.  He had been ill for a while.  He had been diagnosed with cancer over a year ago.  He’d been through the chemo, the experimental treatment.  Pretty much everything that he could try he did.  His wife remained positive throughout.  I’m not quite sure she had accepted he was dying.  No hiding from it now I guess.

Everytime I hear something like that I feel like just saying live life large whilst your here cos it doesnt last forever.   The notion wears off quickly but it just seems pointless sometimes.  A wife left grief stricken.  People left without parents.  

jacqui

and I am

Many things.  I’m called many things.  Today I got a whole spectrum.  Started my morning really well.  You know when you smile & say something nice it comes back to you?  Thats how I started my working morning.  I get people wanting to donate stuff from the minute I get to work at 9.05am.  I usually stand at one of our windows.  I’m not looking out but rather looking at my window display.  People often think I’m rude ignoring them but once they realise that I am delighted to open my door the world becomes a brighter place.  I dont honestly mind what they want to give me.  I’m always thrilled, even by tat.  I am respectful to everyone.  Even the twats and there females.  This morning I got nice guy, nice guy, really nice guy, wanker, wanker and whatever the female version of wanker is.  We got 3 of them on the bounce.  Rising above it I just went and did my money thing.  Our sales have been really good this week.  I hope our new manager appreciates all the effort we’re putting in to keeping our total takings up.  Spiteful but fun for me.  It’ll just make there inflated target all the harder to reach.

My baby son at 8yrs has had his first confession.  It was a bit of a shabbles actually.  A body was to be received into the chapel tonight.  The service was due to start at the same time as our sacrament.  Dont think it would have been appropriate to bring a body into our service so they put the man into the church hall.  Blooming undertakers where the ones who had attended to my dad.  The undertaker nodded to me out of the glass partition.  In came the bloody coffin followed by the family.  Not sure how many people felt awkward but I freakin did.  Fthr Harry gave the man’s family 5 mins of his time before they left and he simply blew out the candle & turned the light out in the hall.  I actually felt appalled.  Maybe I’m sensitive but Jesus where is the respect.  The man was someones father.  People loved him and it just seemed a bit cheap.

So Fthr Harry is a pro.  On leaving the hall he kicked over a rubbish bin.  He looked over at us raised his eyebrows and said O I appear to have kicked the bucket???   On with show and the kiddies are dribbled out one at a time.  us parents have to escort them to the altar.  Allow them to go to the priest for there confession with parents looking like a spare bits hanging about until child is finished and we were supposed to get huggy on there return.  Okay my son doesnt do touchy feely in public.  I had been warned dont dare do that cuddle thing.  Um well, I kinda got caught up in the emotion of it all.  He had a big smile, fantastic hair and the silliest of swaggers on.  He got a big cuddles haha and even a kiss planted on top of his spiked hair.  Worse my Mother plays other parent stand-in at such events and she got him as well.  Fair play he did make £40 out of the night so it went well.

What I dont get is these parents who bring there kids who havent a clue.  Its pretty obvious when singing the hymns who attends or has in the past,  Most dont have a clue and I wonder why they bother.  The one beside me was twittering on about messaging in facebook being down.  i did look blankly at her and said I didnt have a pc and couldnt work one.  She did search my head for my pre-historic antlers but gave up when I said I had trouble with using even a mobile phone and had trouble sending a text.  Stupid cow believed me.  I always chuckle at the stupidity of the youth haha.

Long night.  Mr B doesnt do faith.  Its a wonder he married a Catholic but he did and he has to live with it.  He’ll be huffy for a few days before he forgets why he was huffy and he’ll either ask or give up haha,.   Unusually all my children are in bed.  Eldest is still up but Gf is in and I cant be arsed trying to talk to them.  Complicated by there simplicity I lose my train of thought whenever I speak to them.  I would have liked a glass of wine but wont bother.  I might just go to bed.

Before I go I started this with I am.   I’m only complicated in my own head.  When I sit back and look at the sunset as I did tonight I was struck by how fkn insignificant we all are.  I sat looking up at my bit of sky thinking I honesty dont need anything.  In that brief moment I felt totally blessed to be alive and looking at the sky.  That doesnt happen often.  I rarely get to look at the night time sky & I love it.  I remember as a kid looking out of my bedroom window.  I lived in a flat and I always thought I was so close to the sky.  The stars twinkled brightly and I would open my curtains and just watch them as I fell asleep.  For me the sky is grounding.  I’m amazed that my sky is just the same as yours.  Peek out your window and at sometime, somewhere I’ve seen that bit of sky.   Weirdly I always, always smile whnever I look up at it.   Kinda makes me feel connected to everything, everyone.  Ni-night

jacqui

I love a plan

Yesterday was boys washing day.  My little boys manage to forget in the morning.  I dont go into there room, its a health & safety issue.  The consequence is right on top of me.  Its 10pm and I still had washing to be dried.  I checked the weather forcast.  blustery winds, me thinks its a good idea.  I’m out my my garden just after 10pm hanging out my washing.  I dont care how weird it may appear.  Its not like anyone should be looking in my garden anyway lol.

I’m back in the garden at 8am and my washing is dry.  I still had a white wash to do so put that in.  On arriving home the washing has been hung out and is dry.  God I love when a day goes well.  My machine was free and in I popped a pillowcase wash.   I’m a bit obsessed about pillowcases.  I love a pile of freshly washed, ironed and folded pillowcases.  Think its the mother in me.  If my pile is neatly sitting in my laundry cupboard I’m smuggly contented lol.  Weird how I take it out just to wash it again but I do now & again.

Kids have school disco’s tonight.  Staggered from 6pm till 9pm which doesnt concern me.  Mr B takes them but since he’s at work havent text him yet.  I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to finish work early.  Tomorrow night is youngests reconcilliation sacrament.  When I was at school it was called your first confession.  Such a biggie.  I remember thinking how brilliant you could just tell a priest all you’d done wrong and its forgiven,  just too easy.  I’m not so comfortable as an adult telling anyone but heh, thats life.  Luckily my church do confession at  mass once a month.

I’m off to prep Lasagne for tonight dinner & figure out where I’m going to stash the washing till I iron it.

jacqui