Getting weirder still

Telephoned my Regional Manager this morning.  I was a bit dim on the phone yesterday and had assumed I was to attend a meeting for all the team leaders.  I found out it is in fact just me.  I hate speaking to her.  Anyway I get my brave hat on and ask what its about.  i get told some issues where  brought to her and she pushed them up to the Hospice.  Billy wants them adressed and she’ll be there in a supportive role for me.  Its okay but i’ve not to worry or stress about it?  Um being dim again but why would I need her there to support me.  I didnt feel any better when she said well I know you & you know me.  Is that supposed to make me feel better.  I was told they wouldnt come on site because chinese whispers would start and they prefer to do it at the hospice.  Billy being the operations director is extrememly busy and cant deal with said issues until Monday.  I fkn hate waiting.  Worse I dont know whats going on.  I have a header of “issues” but no clue to what the issues are.  I didnt like being told that I will have the opportunity to put my side.  Yeh but of fkn what.  I feel like I’m in headlight glare.  

I feel uncomfortable in work.  I have no idea who has said what and thats not a nice feeling.   I feel harassed and left dangling without a parachute.  I know I will have to wait it out.  I just wish it was all over lol.

jacqui

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Oopsey

Its been a weird day so far.  On telephoning the Hospice I work for no one I wanted to speak to was available.  When I got put through to fundraising and asked to speak to the guy I always speak to I was told he wasnt around.  I asked my question anyway and she then says my question, tagging the name of the guy I had asked to speak to & I heard his voice???  Weird.  Anyway regional manager phoned to give me details about something.  She then casually asked if I could attend a meeting with her and the company secretary on Monday.  Not sure why but I felt freaked by that.  I replied ok with a questioning voice to be told he’s just looking for some clarification.  Clarification about what I should have asked but there is so many things I comment loudly on it could be anything.  Whatever it is its sure as hell not to thank me for the job I do.  Mr company secretary doesnt and shouldnt get involved with us mere volunteers so I’m on edge thinking the worst.  Me & my big mouth lol.

Well whilst I’ll worry and fret till Monday there’s nothing I can do so moving on.  Its been a long week.  A woman in work has just had a tumor in her lung diagnosed.  She is such a lovely woman.  Her husband died from lung cancer just over a year ago.  Anyway she’s beaten cancer once before so fingers crossed she can get through it.  Its crazy the things we do to our body.  I can start my day full of good intentions and the minute I feel a grain of stress a fag is in my mouth.  Good intentions, strong resolve and then the addiction kicks in.  One day eh.

Kids are bugging me about whats for dinner.  Would it be okay to say I dont give a fk, just this once.  Life shouldnt revolve around mealtime should it?  In answer to the question, I have no idea.  It shoud be chicken, I did buy chicken.  Trouble is they ate it on Friday lol.  I’m sure there’ll be something in one of my freezers.  If not they can chew on any bone of mine.  All is never lost.

jacqui

Its today

I hate today.  Every year it comes around.  A birthday thats never celebrated.  A face never grown.  Just nothing.  I should be grateful.  i once knew a man who’s wife had a stillbirth.  He just got her pregnant again and he forgot about his son that didnt live.  I remember telling him that I thought that cruel & I guessed his wife would never forget her son.  She in the 80’s was told to just forget about it.  She had nothing to remember her son by.

I at least have my daughters footprints, handprints, her photos, her hair.  Crap really.  They’re nothing.  I have my treasure box with all the “stuff”.  I have all my sympathy cards tied in a little pink ribbon and I open it.  I open it just once a year and remember with gratitude the compassion I was shown.  Many of the people have now died but I treasure the memory of how they helped me through.  The people who sat on my doorstep as I cried.  The people who just left flowers at my door.  Stillbirth is nasty.  You go into hospital in labour and walk out with shit all.  I had to stay on the labour ward all night hearing babies being born whilst mine was dead.  Perhaps if I had gotten over it I may not have had quite so many children afterwards.  Even now unless you have or know someone who’s had one who really cares?  Does it really happen?  Sadly, yeh it does & there’s no sense to it.  I* still hate when people say lost a baby like we were careless.  My daughter died.  She died on the 22nd so that would have been her birthday.  She was stillborn today.  I would have done anything not to push but alas the body does it whether we want it or not.  I’ve never tried to hold onto anything quite so much.  Getting past midnight was a small victory at the time.  Fk knows why.

My 2nd daughter should be 14yrs old today or yesterday.  I dont bother going to her grave anymore.  I do still think of her everyday & I know thats quite sad but I do lol.  If they party in heaven at least this year she has my dad to rock with.  That makes me feel better.  When my Dad was dying I whispered into his ear to tell my daughter I love her.  I’m sure he did..

jacqui

Happy Sunday

Well it could be a Happy Sunday I guess.  I went to bed last night and didnt surface until almost 10am.  Guess my man flu is on the way out.  The normal family squabbles started well before I got up.  Kids didnt make it to mass and they thought it a great plan just to annoy the hell out of each other.

Following my nights sleep i thought it wise to go see what exactly has been going on downstairs.  i have a fantastic ability of being able to enter & leave a room without seeing a thing.  Eye’s open I looked.  My God what a bloody mess they’ve all managed to create.  The wash basin in my toilet hasnt been washed since, well, the last time I did it lol.  Same for the toilet bowl.  Think I did manage to clean that last week but who can remember.  The bin in the toilet was over flowing with toilet roll inards (the carboard thingy?).  Dirty tissues, toothpast tubes.  I wasn’t feeling anything positive.  They did manage to get some stuff in the bin but more was on the blooming floor.  My eldest 2 daughters are in the pre menstrual zone and war is approaching.  I almost feel glad I have 4 sons except they cant manage to hit the freakin toilet bowl.  What the hell is that about.  Everywhere but the freakin bowl.  Ah well, at least its clean and sparkling now lol.

Onto the kitchen.  My bin has a swing top lid.  Not the greatest of ideas but since youngest kicks my bins beyond repair it was cheap and cheerful.  All except no one bother’s to clean the swing top lid.  It had all manner of crap on it.  Is it hard just to take the lid off, wash it & pop it back?  obviously.  That’s one of those little tasks Mum does without a thought and obviously no one thinks about it if she doesnt.  Big sigh.  Job done and my eyes find the front of the washing machine.  Someone had spilled coffee granules down the front and left them.  Seriously.  Just dropped it and walked away.  Its a 2 sec job with a spray bottle.  Not much damage in the kitchen but just enough to send me a teeny bit mental lol. 

So the washing machine is on.  My washing is almost up to date.  Once my own washing is finished just a towel wash to do and back into the routine tomorrow.  I’ve decided that I’m only going to visit work next week.  I dont intend to linger.  I think I need a break.  i need to get rid of my cough completely and that wont happen surrounded by damp dusty 2nd hand stuff.  I will just pop into work tomorrow, spread my wrath and leave lol.

So a Happy Sundy?  We3ll, it never works out that way does it.  Those lazy Sunday’s of wearing pj’s and reading the paper have never been my thing.  A Happy Sunday for me would be a day with no conflict and coffee on tap.  Bliss but dont see it happening anytime soon.

jacqui

Just blue skies

My what a weird day its been.  In the first hr at work the till kept getting £5 sales.  Okay, may sound shit but for us its great.  I took over £40 in that first hr.  Someone gave me a sweet and that was me.  I was coughing so much I had to go out.  Tears streaming down my face & I was sick.  Enough I thought.  Bad enough I have to come in without sleep but working with the aroma of sick?  no chance.  Just as I was getting ready to leave someone who could work our till came in so I left.  Came home, had some lunch and went to the sofa.  I slept until 3pm.  Kids all hurry in & Asda shopping is delivered.  Just blue skies for me today.

I’m giving up worrying about work.  If I need to be off because I’m sick thats exactly what i intend to do.  If monetary taking go down then thats tough.  I can’t always be at the till so sod it.  If I fall behind with my washing its not the end of the world.  Neither is hunger going to descend if I dont have dinner on the table by 5.15pm.  If “stuff” is left on a floor and eldest wants a moan I am not going to absorb it any longer.  I always feel guilty whenever he moans about mess.  Its not like its my mess.  We’re all individual people and I am not God.    I am avoiding conflict because i dont feel up to it right now. If I just hold my resolve I may actually hold onto my blue skies. 

 I kinda made up my mind that until I feel better & sleep better I’m going to give myself a break.  I know.  In normal circumstances i dont actually do that much on a day to day level, I get that.  My brain however is always tripping.  Having a word with myself does work sometimes.  I’m off to stick dinner in the oven.  It wont be on the table at 5.15 and I’m trying not to care.

jacqui

Rubbish day

How totally crap has this week been?  Had another bed night last night.  I’m not going to go on & on.  I’ve actually got so hacked off by it that I’ve cut down on smoking today.  Mental I know lol.

I’m hating work.  Its strange how whilst I’m really loathing my time in work & the childish antics of some staff I still go.  I really didnt want to this morning.  I knew however if I didnt no one else could open up so I went.  I do have to go tomorrow because I have the responsibility for opening up.  I guess since I made the commitment to do so I feel obligated.  I cant wait for the manager to start now.  It was fun at the beginning but now its a freakin nightmare.  If I’m honest I guess I’m feeling hurt by whats been going on.  Despite knowing the decisions being made aren’t down to me it seems easy to shoot the messenger.  Whilst I might appear not to give a shit, I’m human & I do.

My washing routine has fallen apart.  When I dont feel well I do nothing except the essentials.  My essentials are making sure school uniforms are sorted and kids are fed.  I’m knackered.  Anyway if I dont wash, nobody washes (the clothes I mean).  The boys did bring there washing down stairs on Tuesday but I just left it lol.  The laundry bin was pushed into a corner in my kitchen & it was ignored.  I’m exasperated by Mr B who keeps throwing stuff into the kitchen laundry bin.  FFS thats for stuff that hasnt been removed from the sittingroom.  he puts every fkn thing he finds in it.  O it doesnt matter if its dirty are not.  GGrr.  I’m sure I’ll start to feel better.  Whether or not I do doesnt matter.  I have washed the boys clothes, managed to sneak a washing in for myself and apart from the growing mountain of towels I have accumulated I’m almost back up to date.  Okay, its 10pm.  My sittingroom is a comfortable 25C & I’m coughing less 🙂

jacqui

Who cares

I just cant seem to stay settled at night.  The minute H gets into bed I start coughing & have to get up.  Last night I was awake, coughing and downstairs by 2.47am.  I’m shattered but just cant get the sleep thing right now.   I am trying not to stress it but actually, I am.  I just wish I could sleep.

Well at least I’m sitting on my very own pc chair with my hulking tower at the side of me.  A very nice man came round today & took it away.  I told him what was wrong so it wasnt like he had to go searching the prob.  Just over an hour later and he phones to say job done & it was delivered back 20mins later.  Okay he did call me sweetheart but tbh he could have called my anything he wanted.  £40 and I have my own comfortable pc back.  Goodness its like putting on a pair of slippers.  I dont wear slippers but the comfort of having my music where it should be.  My very own toolbars and favourites in the correct place is priceless.

So my plan for tonight is to finish my coffee, have a visit to the loo & do nothing else.  I’m going to lounge on my corner unit and hope I just go to sleep.  Its H’s night off with his friend being bought as I type.  I honestly couldnt be bothered on my 1 night off sitting drinking till 1am.  O fuck, I’m so fkn boring I’m numbing his brain and  drnk helps blot  me out haha.  There’s a thought.  I could tit for tat and type I’ve been mind numbingly bored for years but that would just be snide.  I’m off..

jacqui