Is it life, liberty or fruit of the loom

This isnt as random as it seems.  I dont like my mobile going off at night.   I usually go to bed at 11pm.  Last couple of nights I’ve been up late.  My phone goes.  Its a with-held number.  It only rings briefly then cuts off.  How bloody irksome is that.  3rd night on the bounce.  Okay so someone’s either needing to go to bed early or get themselves a bloody life.  Now I really am going to bed.

jacqui

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Grey skies are so cool

It looked fabulous this morning at 5am.  Not quite sure why I’m waking at that time but looking out my bedroom windows I see it.  We have grey skies woo-hoo.  Its cold with grey skies.  I dont care its weird.  I like dull weather.  I dont like sunshine and no, its never put me into a good mood so there.

My kids are all giving me a totally crap time right now.  My 2nd youngest son has developed this annoying habit of swearing at me.  We got over his tantrums a couple of years ago.  I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security.  he kept them to bring out & I must have shown weakness.  Darn my weakness for being human lol.  Of course I have a plan.  I’m gonna ignore him when he kicks off.  I always find it irritates the hell out of them when I rise above there crap, say nothing and smile.  I see it as teaching him patience.  Its such a clever plan.  I increase his whilst I run out of mine.  I’m such a clever Mummy.  Otheres are being just as annoying in various degrees.  

I’m actually quite tired so think I may go crawl into my cold bed.   Ni-night

jacqui

Colourful

I got a call from my Mother this morning.  Could she borrow a hoover.  Seriously its 9.05am, I’m sitting in my Pj’s.  Okay so I quickly dress and go down to hers.  I’m struck by the plants that were my Dad’s.  Its a shame.  They’ve been neglected since his death.  The things he took great pride in haven’t been touched.  I get his tools out and begin to do the weeding.  Its 80 degrees and I’m weeding.  I remove most with the promise to return and finish it off.

I go to the bathroom to wash my hands.  the smell hit me.  It was like my dad was still there.  That tiny small room still smells of him.  His cardigan is still hanging on the door,.  I could close my eyes and he’d be there, except he’s not.  He never will be.  There are now photographs of him everywhere.  Maybe they make my Mother happy but they just take me to times when his smiling face was alive.  Jeez I miss him so much.

So a nothing day.  Scotlands weather is hopefully back to normal tomorrow with grey skies.  You know where you are with a grey sky.

jacqui

Step it up.

The weekend has finally arrived.  Scotland had brilliant sunshine.  My sons are at football and my daughters are all on laptops.  Geez remember life pre computers?  My kids dont lol.  They cant even imagine life without a microwave never mind the internet.  I’m sure its called progress.

I’m struck by how funny life is.  We bring our kids up, die and they do the same fkn thing haha.  Ah well.  At least it is the weekend.  I’m going for lunch today with my sis.  I mentioned on the phone I had been to a new Wetherspoons in our town with Mr B and she got annoyed since she hadn’t been.  So we’re going before shoe shopping for her.  I’m not big on shoe shopping.  I’m not actually big on any kind of shopping except on the internet.  Its hot, my psoriasis on my leg is playing up and it looks like it belongs on the body of someone else.  Can you tell I dont like walking lol.

Briefly, the dripping tap of work is continuing to drip.  The problematic one in work texted me yesterday morning to say something had came up and she wouldnt be in.  I could have guessed she was going to go off.  What I’m not going to do is stress about it.  The decision that if its mentioned again I leave is the correct one for me.  Just making  my mind up makes me feel better.  I almost began to doubt that I am a nice person.  I almost forgot I dont go to work just because it fills a space in my life.  I go because I lost someone close who died within that Hospice.  Who without that place would have died alone.  I would be sad to walk away from that point of view but so relieved for myself.  I think once you start feeling like that it really is time to go.  I just want to go in my own time without being pushed by the malicious rumour mill  orthe smoke damage from the witches cauldren.

jacq

Finishing off

After a sleepless night I was in no mood for work.  I didnt decide until just before 9am that I wasnt going.  I wasnt quite sure what I was going to do but I wasnt doing that.  I popped into work.  I fel that the woman who’s doing my nut in should at least be told I had decided to contact the Hospice.  Following the meeting 3wks ago I was told the matter was closed and I was to draw a line and never discuss it again.  It would appear its ok for them to talk whilst i’m in isolation.  I was phoned by a woman who works with me and who seen it happening.  She pointed out that what happened yesterday, in her opinion, was harassment.  She was just checking I was okay and thought I should report the matter.  Everyone has an opinion on what I should do.  After speaking to the woman who had a go at me I decided that I had to phone the Operations Director and at least ask for advice.  I’m being asked to comment on something I’ve been told not to comment on.

So after a very short conversation he has asked me to put it in writing.  He thinks and I agree that its unfair to bring it up after the matter has been resolved.  I will type the letter and finish it off with if the matter is ever mentioned again I will simply leave.  Its not like I get paid.

So I am intending to leave  this particular blog.  Might wait until this shit work thing is resolved or just go whenever.  Lol real life typing is getting harder.  I think I’m as happy as I can be and no amount of typing is ever going to change things.  What will be will be.  I hold onto so long as things are done with the very best of intentions, no matter what the outcome;  Its okay.

peace x

guidance required

Today was one of those awful days in work.  The woman who accused me of bullying her came in with all guns blasing.  She started by saying she had heard that I had been saying she had been stealing from the till to staff members.  She had also been stopped outside our local Asda by a customer who had heard this.  She wasnt happy and wasn’t going to put up with that.  I remained calm and said quite clearly that I had not said that.  Thats because I didnt.  I’m past caring whether she did or she didn’t.  I was very clear never to accuse her of stealing.  I cannot obviously comment on how those I had discussed the till with interpreted what I said.  My own personal opinion was never raised.  This morning she looked anything but the bullied.

Long story short I’m once again questioning why I’m still there.  She did say quite honestly that the shop is her life.  Its not mine.  Well, at least i hope its not mine.  Perhaps I should just leave.  Clear her path.  I’m totally stressed with the whole saga.  This whole situation was supposedly put to bed and 3wks later its got me in tears again.  I was called nasty & snide, oops.  I’m annoyed I’m taking all this shit and doing nothing about it.   I actually never attack any one personally and yet I felt torn to shreds this morning.  She says she’s a nice person, respected by everyone.  I just thank God I’m not an everyone.  i wouldnt ever want to be.

I’m just typing it in case I need to refer back.  So, do I stay, sit it out or do I go?  Do I leave and leave them all to it or I dont know what the or is.  I’m not trying to pull on a victim t-shirt.  I know theres people in work who do support me but I honestly dont want to work with a divided team or them & me on the other side.  Tbh, I’m totally out of my depth and dreading tomorrow.  This isnt how its supposed to be.

jacqui

speechless

It started off as a simple game on the boys xbox.  I dont even know what game it was.  For future reference my 8yr old & 9yr old cannot be left together with anything breakable.  The Tv that was bought last month has been smashed.  Thats the Tv that was bought to replace the one 8yr old had smashed previously.  My 8yr old has a bit of a temper when things dont go his way.  He threw the controller at the screen.  I’m sure thats what happened to the last tv actually.

I didnt scream or shout.  I just went upstairs, checked the tv and told them to unplug it.   I have taken youngests new phone off him and put him to lockdown.  How long that’ll last depends on how scared I become . I  told my other 2 sons that whilst i’m very sorry I wont be replacing it – not again.  My heart sank for the 2 of them but what can I do except hold my resolve.  Okay they cant use there console but I would be mad to pay out another £169.  I put the last tv on my Argos card so havent even paid for it yet.

Just when I think I see a glimmer of light something so silly happens.  I can feel tears welling up.  I dont actually think my youngest realises that every action has a consequence.  Talking to him makes no difference, shouting makes no difference.  i dont make a difference.  I so feel like giving up but there’s no one else to take the strain.

I’m heading out to my garden.  Its dark, & quiet.  I’ve got my fags in my pocket.  I’m going to take a bottle of wine out my fridge, pour a very large glass & drink it!.

jacqui