End of a month

I’ve heard if you cant sleep its because your awake in someone elses dream  I dont think thats true.  It certainly wasnt true last night.  Puppy wasnt in the mood to sleep so I was still up at 2am.  I suppose it gave me some thinking time without the chatter from little people.

I’m sure this happens to most of us.  Your having a conversation & someone says something that pricks your ears back & makes you sit up, take notice.  I had one of those moments yesterday.  it was almost like a lightbulb went on & suddenly i knew what I had to do.  No, i’m not telling what it is lol but its given me a fantastic idea for myself.  Something that’ll take up my time and totally absorb me.  It wont cost me anything which is perhaps just a well.

I did see my big sister yesterday which made me feel better.  I always feel better after a talking to from her.  I miss my Dad and she isnt the same but since she’s the bet I’ve got I work with it.

I now have  my Mother visiting so better give her my attention.  Have a great day..











I cant remember the last time I typed words here.  Words, words.  Well they’ve been typed haha.  I dont seem to have the energy to be bothered which is so unlike me.  This is my frustration zone & I can’t be bothered?  Anyway this week has passed in a whizz.  Went to Dr’s for more meds.  Cellulitis doesnt want to leave me.  I still feel like puking up but dont lol.  My balance is worse than usual.  Its been a pretty shit week really.  My co-ordination just isnt working & I just look more gumbyish.  Fuck it.  I’m old and falling apart.  I have to stop thinking stuff that hurts my head.

Anyway life shit keeps going.  I just cant lie down no matter how much I want to.  That would have been awesome but another week off work hasn’t made me feel better.   Visiting work makes me feel even worse.  I’m sure Mr Manager doesnt care one way or another whether I’m there or not but his face tells a story I’m not liking.   Does it matter that he doesnt like me?  Well it shouldn’t.   So my oven is clean (O such a woohoo moment).  Fk me, a clean oven & I’m happy haha.  I know, I am just wasting my time but I’m trying so I give myself it.  Becoming everything that I once hated is tough.  I care that I have clean toilets.  I have no idea why but I do.  I care that my fireplace has been repainted and has a shiny new backplate & hearth.  I am missing half the crap that used to just sit on top of it but heh I had fun just looking at it when it was finished.  I hate how my brain needs every detail perfect before it says okay.  I try not to apologise for being blown away by silly simple things like my fireplace.  If its required then sorry but my fireplace gives me such a happy feeling.

Okay so this week has been tough.  I feel myself breaking down physically & that scares me.  I’m 47yrs old, I’ve had 2 strokes and I just want to be like everyone else.  Okay not being a total retard of course I know I’m not but I can usually pretend to myself enough that its okay.  This last week my pretence hasnt been working so well.  Much like my body.  I try to talk myself out of feeling negative.  Does it really matter.  Well, hell yes it does.  I will get over it, I always do but it getting tough this pretend shit.  Just thought I would type that.  These thoughts I usually bury away.  I dont share with anyone so typing it means well I have.   Sad that its with total strangers who probably speed read but I guess I’m living it.   I suppose feeling scared is okay, I just dont like scared.  Fear is such a silly thing.  I’m supposed to be the big tough mamma that nothing touches & here I am feeling scared about stuff I cant change.

The positive I guess is Mr Bean gets an easier trot when I’m in a scared zone.  He doesnt know why & I guess he doesnt care.  We both know that someday the annoying  Jacq will return.  Eventually I’ll take a deep breath, stamp my feet and yell my head off.  Someday isn’t here yet though so right now Mr Bean is happy & why shouldnt he be.  I’m more worried that I wont come back.  Fuck thats a thought, what if I dont come back????  Best I got is I’m gonna hide under my duvet until well, until I need a fag haha.   Music is Tears for Fears singing “Everybody wants to rule the world.”   There is indeed a room where the light wont find me, trouble is someone would….

ni-night world



Its today

Jacqui has left me.  In her place is this mean woman who’s only aim is to have a clean oven.  Not just any oven but her main oven.  The oven she has only cleaned twice since she bought the cooker.  I would say but its only 2yrs old.  She would say but you use it at least five times a week.  She sounds demented, acts like a she devil & I for one find her very scary.  She has had her head in said oven on & off since Friday.  I’m okay with that lol.  I’ve seen lots of “stuff” in her marigold hands.  I know its not my hands.  She wears these bright yellow gloves.  They’ve obviously been bought for an even bigger , meaner person.  Her fingers dont quite reach the tips of the gloves & she puts rubber bands on them.  The bands are to stop them falling off or keeping her sleeves down but I just think how rediculous she looks; can’t be good for her fingernails.  The “stuff” she sprayed onto the oven an hour ago stinks so I’m guessing its toxic?  The oven looks like a green alien.  If she stopped for breath I maybe able to come up with a better oven cleaning plan or at least a phone number for an oven cleaning company.  She’s left the oven to do its thing.  Okay its the same thing it did yesterday but today all the hardwear has been taken out the oven so its just a big, dirty cavity.  I think she’s determined to get this oven clean.  She did think about just adding the toxic cleaner and sparking up the oven but since its electric and not gas what would the point be.  I do actually get her point.  Its a holiday weekend and she has, well she has nothing to do.  I understand the logic of make something to do.  get that oven clean.  Fuck me an oven is the best we got, seriously???



Its a quiet morning.  Everyone except 2 girls, make that 3 girls are off to football.  Okay back to 2 girls.  The joy of a 7 seater car means Joy wont go unless she sits of a specific seat.  Anyway she left, boys have left and I have a couple of hours quiet.  It would be lovely to do nothing but nothing isn’t a luxury I can have this morning.  Football matches are played on a Saturday morning.  My 2 sons play for the same named team.  They wear the same size kit.  Bit of confusion with kits this morning.  They dont look out there kits  beforehand so we have a flurry of I cant find my top, I only have one sock.  Freakin blah, blah of excuses.  Its a bit like a school morning.  You know they’ll make it so I try not to stress it lol.,  They do however make one hellava mess on the route to out.  My kitchen looks like an overworked disorganised Laundry.  Well, thats kinda what I’ve been told.  I tend not to venture downstairs to my kitchen area till I’ve had lots of coffee delivered.  I find it keeps my blood pressure down if I work it that way.


Its also Mr Beans birthday today.  A big grown-up 48yrs.  OMg he’s been alive all those years and I think he’s as clueless as the day he was born.  He’s not big on birthdays, not the way I am anyway.  When he was growing up he got whatever his heart desired  till he decided he wanted to buy his own stuff.  That always makes me titter, sounds like he’s very principled haha.    Hmm that novelty obviously wore off when he got married.  Anyway this is the first year when I haven’t went over the top with stuff.  He usually gets something that he can “use”.  Last birthday I bought him a power washer, its still in its box.  The year before it was a circular saw that he needed for something.  Thats still in its box to.  I can buy pretty much anything & it just gets disgarded.   Even a sweater gets left  unworn  so I just  got the essentials this year.  a new friend ie bottle of vodka.  boxers, a vast amount of socks because we cant wear normal socks, we must have relaxed socks (yep, I’m laughing hysterically).  A new belt, watch, aftershave.  I did get a bell that says ring for sex but I took the ringer out hahaha.  Its a nice colour lol.  He will also get some money that he can put towards whatever bill he has this month; isnt there always.  Anyway, I will play nice today.  Its only a day so even I should be able to manage that.

Our weather.  i’ve realised that Scotland has 2 seasons.  Spring & winter.  We’re back in winter zone.  Its freezing but at least we have no rain.  Cars have to have the frost scraped off first thing in the morning.  I hate when the time comes to take my wedges off and go to boots.  Its a sign that any chance of nice weather has gone.  Ah well, moving on & I’m off downstairs..