Down & out

This morning I decked it coming down my stairs.  I got past all the wrestlers on my top landing.  Reaching my next landing I thought I was safe.  My youngest son had placed a football boot against one of the stairs coming down onto the next landing,.  Decked it means I fell.  In a second I’m over on my ankle & on my knees with my head banging against my 2 cupboard doors.  My 13yr old helps me up & I come into my sitting-room.  I made some amount of noise.  Puppy had even came upstairs to see why I had let out such a yelp .  The indignity of it all.  Kids all looked at me with shock rather than the laughter I would have heard if eldest had been up.  Ankle is sore but its not anything that’ll slow me down.

I should be in full panic mode.  Youngest son is 9 next Saturday.  The following  Saturday I have something else on so this weekend is my last one off Mummy duty for a few weeks.    Weeks without a break from my children.  I’m feeling panic for other reasons though.  I long since figured that as a human being I can only panic about one thing at a time.  Its a clever safety mechanism.  The panic I’m currently in isn’t a huge problem.  Its one I’ve created for when my stress levels are low & I’m in need of crisis.  It just a low level that gets me anxious enough to keep my mind busy lol.

I’m feeling a bit deflated today.  I haven’t had any caffeine at all today so maybe thats why.  Missed my McD’s but that a whole other post.  I’m off & rushing.

Jacqui

 

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I’d be smiling

School washing is done.  I even managed to hang some outside.  There’s somthing very satisfying about washing thats been air dried.  I feel quite smug lol.  Youngest son Nicky has football training.  An hour and a half in a male free zone.  All my boys go & its nice not to have to worry about them.  I’m attempting to listen to Emily Sande sing Clown but my daughters are looking at me with sad faces, my music doesnt rock them.

We had an early dinner.  I’ve only been cooking for my family for a few years.  Cooking was always done by Mr Bean.  When the kids were small they ate shit.  He’d buy & cook everyday.  Did my nut in.  He’d cook them happy faces & rubbish fish fingers or pizza fingers.  Worse, I ate it too.  Mr Bean being a meat & 2 veg man always cooked himself his own choice.  I absorbed the cost with a whatever.  I don’t feel bitter.  I have control of my Mother ship now.  I have my own fantastic range cooker that I cook dinner on.  I could always cook but, don’t know what the but was lol.  Tonight we had meatballs with a chunkyveg tomato sauce & spaghetti.  I made the meatballs & the sauce.  The spaghetti  I did cheat with, that came from a packet.  I love making the kids sauces.  I add peppers, mushrooms, onions; just whatever I have then blitz it till its smooth.  They have no idea what they’re eating.  I don’t like cooking but I enjoy knowing the kids have ate vegetables without moaning.  I smile as the plates are delivered back empty.

I’m feeling very positive this evening.  I think I worked the dream with my Dad in it very well.  I told the 2 women who were in it about it.  One didnt comment & the other said the message was I was to move on with my life.  Very simplistic but live is always moving.  Maybe she doesn’t get that but heh.  The guy my Dad turned into was a little more tricky to deal with.  I don’t communicate with him.  Like all of us he’s on facebook but he uses his middle initial which tells me he doesn’t want to be found.  Okay the honest truth is I’d feel awkward & embarrassed.  He always said I was a bit mad but that doesnt mean I should prove him right.  Its not like he didn’t know me though.  He’s known me since I was 21yrs old.  I don’t kid myself that I don’t care so I did typical Jacqui thing I wrote a email & sent it to someone else.  It makes sense, I hit it out & thats as much as I can do.

I’m off to have a cup of decalf & remind myself why I don’t drink caffeine anymore.

Jacqui

 

 

I like pontification

I  blame myself.  I’ve been saying forever I needed to clear out my school drawers.  With limited storage space in the kids bedrooms I’ve always kept my school uniforms in a huge drawer unit outside there bedrooms.  The drawer unit sits on one of my stair landings.  A set of7 drawers between 3 sons.  Girls have there own space.  Sounds simple so how come I have a huge bag of cothes that have sat so long they’ve been long grown out of.  I’m so annoyed with myself.  Bad, bad Mummy.

So now I have a set of drawers that have been completely emptied.  The clothes that have been removed will have to be washed.  Not sure why they need to be washed but since half are in the machine already I might as well do the rest:)  Its more than a bit late for washing but since everyone else uses the tumble driers I might as well.

I hate doing this kind of grown-up shit.  It gives me to much responsibility.  I don’t know who I’m trying to kid because of course I’m responsible.  I’m the parent afterall.  I think there’s a lot t be said for pontificating.  It puts off the stuff you hate & leaves a guilty feeling you know sooner or later your going to succum to.  Next time I go for a little bit of pontificatin I’m going to remind myself is good to ponder for as long as possible 🙂

Too much

Too much noise this morning  So many too much’s this morning.  To much mist so can’t see anything out of my windows.  To much mess on my coffee table.  To much anti perspirant sprayed & the perfume it sells like a perfume shop in here.  I can actually taste it.

It another busy day in my world.  Work & then stuff to do.  I’m looking forward to the day when its just work but that won’t be this week.

Jacqui

Shut eye

I fell asleep on my sofa last night.  It was one of those I’ll shut my eyes for a minute & waken up hours later.   I seen that man in my dream last night.  O I wish I could dream about someone else, anyone else.  He was my Dad and I loved him more than anyone else but I don’t want to see him now.  Death is or should be the end & yet I fall asleep & I see him.  He looked well lol.  In my dream he was dying but  didnt look it.  He was with my Mother & he looked happy.  I was on the outside looking in.   I think I was takin photos?  I wasn’t really part of it.  If there was anything else I’ve forgotten.

I need to go to sleep & not dream.  Maybe because I have busy days right now my brain is allowing my Dad in to soothe me.  Its not working lol.  I’m waking up feeling agitated to the point where my stomach ulcer is annoying me which is never a  good sign.

Tonights dinner is chicken curry.  Pleasing 6 out of 7 kids means I need to make sausage & mash with onion gravy to please the other 1.  I would moan about my washing but since kids haven’t given me any this week I cant.  Typically we’ve had high winds & no rain for the last few changes.  Bet the minute washing is delivered the rain will start.  Life is so full of fun.

Jacqui

A different reality

I got sent an old scool photo through friends reunited.  I looked at all those faces & I could barely remember some of there names.  Someone is organisng a reunion for our year.  I can’t think of anything more paining  than going into a room full of people from my school year.  I hated school.  I felt awkward & out of place.  I was way taller than most of the girls & seriously overweight.  I just felt very insignificant.

I grew up.  I became self aware & with the passing of time I grew more confident.  I wouldn’t ever want to go back to being an awkward kid who didn’t have a clue what to say so chose to say nothing.

I was back in my old school this evening.  My children go to the same school as I did.  I showed them all the photo just to let them know I get that they don’t always feel that they fit in.  Its okay not to so long as you learn to fit yourself.  Lol, I fit me.  I’m so pleased I became who I am.  I may not get everything right.  I may spill more than I manage to get in my mouth but thats okay.  Jeez I may not be that girl I was back in 1979 but she became an honest, caring woman.  Good enough me thinks 🙂

Jacqui

Big goals, small steps

I set myself a challenge for this week.  I’m not usually big on challenges.  I see them as being a set up for failure.  Having typed that some failures can be pretty terrific lol.  So this week is pretty busy with school stuff.  I also have work to get through & the never ending house shit.

My little bit of the world has great sunshine this morning.  Looking out my window I could almost believe that its spring already.  Bet when I do leave which should be right now its freezing.

Jacq