Try again

Its way past my bedtime. My eldest had suggested that tonight he’d have a stay home night. I could get a bottle of wine & he’d get a box of beer. I’ve always got wine. I buy. with the intention of drinking it. I feel a bit sad & pathetic drinking on my own so I just don’t. He however didn’t have any beer so thinking I’ll be nice I buy it with my shopping. It was delivered this afternoon. By the time I’d got home from work he’d made other plans. Not sure why I was surprised but I felt like a thrown away toy lol.

Blown out by my own son. How tragic. More worrying is its the shape of my life to come. I’m guessing he’ll be drunk by now whilst I’m well, not haha. I keep getting surprised by middle age. Its a time in life I dreaded & its as good as I thought it would be. My bed is waiting & I”ve even got pyjamas on haha. Me, seriously, I’ve actually got out of the clothes I’ve been wearing & put other clean one’s on to go to bed. Now that really is bonkers. Ni-night world.

Jacqui

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Such a beautiful day

My morning got off to a weird start. Wednesday night is now film night. I get a horror movie & eldest 2 kids get a fright lol. Last nights was really good. It’s almost midnight before we go to bed. I’m in the toilet & my mobile rings. By the time I reach it it’s stopped. People forget that whilst I haven’t changed my number I have a new sim so I usually have no idea who it is. I don’t recognise the number but since my own number is the only one I’ve ever remembered I don’t stress & go to bed. Then they decide to text me to tell me they didn’t mean to phone. Wtf??? Okay now I’m huffing. I need my sleep. I give up & text back. Only because I’m incredibly nosey & wanted to know who the daft git was. Trust it to be a man. I’m more interested in finding out what the hell he was doing playing with his phone. I thought it was just us females who did that. I’m not to bothered as to why he phoned me but he’ll be told I’m only available during work hours & not at any time day or night & now I’m feeling crap for even thinking that. I tell everyone I’m a crap at sending text’s. I come across annoyed when I’m not. I’ve landed myself in so much shit with texts that I only text when I have to. At least I know I’m totally pants at it. That gives me an advantage I so wish I had years ago.

Today has been a wonderfully sunny day. My working morning got off to a brilliant start. I seen my youngest daughter Hope walking to her high school with her whole class. Youngest was in the car & all the kids were waving over the fly over bridge at all the cars. We stick our hands out our windows & every primary 7 kid waved back madly. Cumbernauld was built with pedestrians in mind. Over lots of our roads are walking bridges. Normally theirs only one or two people to see an entire class of school kids is rare. Seeing one of my own kids was amazing. By the time I got to work I was smiling. Given Mr Manager was in that’s something else for me.

Lots to do this afternoon so best go do it I guess. I was sitting outside work this morning 7 a feather blew in front of me. Feathers make me smile. Someone told me if a feather falls in front of you its to tell you someone in heaven is missing you. I’m making an assumption its my Dad since I tell him ever night I miss him lol. I amassed quite a number of feathers since he died.

Jacq

Cry me a river

I can’t quite manage to keep the happy vibe going. You could say I just refuse to stay happy. I personally prefer to play the blame game. Who’s to blame? Myself obviously but their are so many who add to my frustration. I would name them but its easier to call them my children.

I spent hrs picking clothes up from my son’s bedroom floor yesterday. I emptied & tidied their clothes drawers. Collectively they had 4 wash loads done today. Clothes sit ironed in bundles on my table. I have asked for them to be removed. Will they move them? Nah, just leave them till she goes off her nut. I have my 2 tumble dryers on. My clever little people know theirs more to come so they’ll hold out & move all the clothes at the same time. I’m just going to have to wait for my table to be cleared.

I am in my kitchen alone so at least I can start to prep my chicken curry. I so long for the long gone days of pizza fingers & happy face potato shapes cooked by Mr Bean. Its one of those afternoons when I ask myself what the fk happened. I’m going to prep & cook dinner then wait until my table has been cleared before I serve it. They want to play so I’ll just go along with it.. Someone will eventually realise I really am smarter than they are.

Jacqui

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I’m keeping it

I’ve kept my happy vibe. My thanks must go to my youngest son who managed to stay on his green traffic light. May read simple but for my 9yr old behaving in an acceptable manner for 6hrs in school is a major challenge. He managed it & I’m so proud. I even told him so which could turn out to be a mistake given we still have 3 school days left this week. Just for today, he behaved and that’s good enough for me.

Work got off to a bad start. My cybertill didn’t recognise me this morning. I typed in my name in the usual format & my password. It didn’t recognise me then asked for my licence id. I didn’t even know we had one. Long story short when the help desk eventually answered I had to give my name,. Yeh, cause that’s easy. Go spell Jacqueline to an Indian who speaks little English. Then explain a hyphen. It was a long phone call. All the funnier when I realised my registered name is jacquie & I don’t have an “e” at the end of my name. Normally I would have just felt exasperated and well pissed. This morning it was just funny. He eventually gave me my licence number then told me I’d have to phone head office to have our system unlocked. What a performance. Till unlocked & my working day could begin. Staff issues meant I was in the back shop. A steady stream of people coming in asking for me meant I got little work done this morning. Tomorrow is another day.

Home to the arrival of my younger son’s new underwear. Every now & then I buy new and start again. Its £50 well spent in my world. That meant a quick-lunch of soup & I’ve kept myself busy sorting boys clothes drawers since 2pm. I’ve only taken a break to supervise homework & its back to it for another hr before dinner prep. Its great when your day goes just how you want it. Feeling positive is easy when the day flows the way it should. Tomorrow should be another easy day. I’m going to try & focus on the things that are important to me. My work & my children take up most of my time. As one of my daughters pointed out yesterday my happy doesn’t come from them, it comes from me. Happy doesnt linger to long with me but if I can hold out till the end of this week I may just get on a roll..

Jacqui

So many so whats

I’m going to bed happy. Tomorrow is the start of my working week. I love work on a Tuesday, the people I work with are funny, kind & dedicated. My long weekend got the right boxes ticked. Fed all my children which is pretty awesome. I rarely have 7 happy kiddies but I somehow managed it. All my washing is up to date & it was even ironed. My entrance hall all the way up my 3 levels is clean, neat & clutter free thanks to my 3 younger sons. Eldest who managed to find his way home last night well drunk hasn’t moaned at me once today. Seriously, not a whine from him all day.

Only thing I didn’t do was clean my bathroom but it’ll still be their tomorrow. My next door neighbour is still trying to get her kids to bed. She screams & yells demands but they don’t listen. Mine are all in dreamland. already. Yeh smug is creeping in lol. Its so easy to forget how much work young kids are. In my world older ones are just as tough.

For a change I’m going to try keeping a positive focus this week. I moan way to much when actually I have so much to be grateful for. As my children get older theirs more to be happy about. Independent children who can shower themselves & brush their own teeth, that’s priceless. Time long gone when I thought I”d never pee on my own & now we all do. I can afford to feel happy, if only for a little while. Ni-night world

Jacqui

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Its my heads fault

I had such a bad start to my day yesterday. My Mother decided that since she didn’t know if me & kids where still here she tried to phone me. Mobile was upstairs & she phoned my eldest daughters mobile instead. How the hell she got my daughters number who knows. She’s on my doorstep in 10mins. Forget its a bank holiday weekend. I make a mad dash to get dressed & sit fuming. She stays a couple of hours. I did point out if no one’s at mass that means we’d like an undisturbed day. Will she get it? O yeh but she’ll ignore it. It opened up a bigger question for me anyway & I’ve given myself a headache thinking the unthinkable. Was it my Dad’s choice to step out of my life when my kids were young? Perhaps when I had 5 kids under 5 it was Dad who decided to leave me to it.

When my Dad was alive I honestly wouldn’t have seen my parents from one month to the next except when they popped into my work. They rarely seen my children. It irked me but that was the way it was. The more children I had the less my Dad liked being around me or my kids. They were too noisy, too jumpy, just too much. I did feel hurt but I learned to live with it. I figured my parents didn’t want to be part of our lives & I got on with it. I did phone him most days but thats not much of a relationship when they only lived minutes from my home. I did get it though. My Dad for all I loved him wasn’t the most tolerant of men. My Mother was just there lol. Suddenly he was dead & my Mother decides she wants to see not only me but my children. I can’t quite get my head around the fact that maybe it was my Dad that stopped her having anything to do with us. I’m of the opinion that she just wants to fill her time. We’re a substitute & not very good one’s. My bottom line is I dislike my Mother & I always have. She was never a loving or supportive parent. Even now she talks to me like I’m a child. Maybe my expectations where to high. I am a parent though & her parenting sucked, badly. I don’t have it in me to say what I feel like saying. It’s all a little to late to want to snuggle into my life. When Dad was dying I was the one told to get a grip. I was the one left to organise the funeral. I was sent here, there, everywhere. Surely she must know its to late to build a relationship with me. I just don’t have anything to give my Mother. Best solution I have is avoidance. If I’m being selfish then, call me selfish.

Jacqui