Such plans

Its Wednesday which means its film night in my world.  A dvd, bottle of wine & lots of duvets around.  We’re big horror watchers but tonight we’re watching a Jason Statham film.  I love the look of that man.  Maybe thats why I married someone who looks just like him haha.  My wine is waiting as are my cheese & onion crisps.  Got to love film night 🙂

 

Jacqui

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It just works

Sometimes a day just flows. Today was one of those days. My short walk from the car park into work was pain free. I injured my back weeks ago & thought it would never heal. Thankfully today it gave me a . I’m really enjoying being back at work. I’m surprised at how happy I am. I was born to talk & in my job I get to talk to all types of people. Its so nice to see faces I haven’t seen for weeks. I like being just Jacqui. I’m not good at house shit & despite constantly trying I never will be. I’ve been a parent to kids for over 2 decades & I’m still learning. I get things wrong lots but I do get loads right too. I guess the fact that my house is still standing & my kids are all still alive means I’m doing something right 🙂

Kids have settled back into school. Hope is back to her usual teenage self. She’s still getting tagged both in school and at home. She may not like it but heh, that’s life. She’s not herself when she’s not full of funny attitude. She’s happy & that’s good enough right now. Kids are all asleep. Eldest is even snoring. I’m heading to bed. Ni-night world

Jacqui

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Life is what you make it

I heard via Facebook tonight that one of my not so close neighbours died this evening. He’d had a heart transplant a week ago & passed away following horrendous complications. He’d only gotten married in May this year. I remember when he moved into our street. He moved in with a large well known family & it was a scandal for a while. He was related to his wifes first husband. The scandal died down & anyone who seen them together could see they were devoted to each other. I always smiled at how cute they looked. My brain can’t quite figure how quickly hope is replaced by devastation.

Life is fragile I guess. We can all walk about in a numb daze & sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in the silly mundane stuff we forget to really live. I can’t begin to imagine what his family is going through. I do know death sucks. Night world.

Jacqui

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Its okay sometimes

Goodness its been a tough week. Hope seems to be coping with school. Fingers crossed she’ll be okay on Monday. I’d forgotten what snide, ignorant & nasty teenage girls could be. Her friends aren’t so friendly but until she sees that I’m biting my lip.

I’m quietly typing this but I’m feeling a bit down tonight. It was lovely being back at work. Loads of staff & customers welcomed me back. One person came in & said did you here xxxxx has died. I hadn’t. He was a man many knew & spoke about but I had just gotten to know him. The last thing he said to me was I’ll remember you jacqui. I thought that was sweet & said I’ll see you when I get back. I feel so sad that he’s gone. The death of an acquaintance is hard. You can’t really show any emotion. Its even sadder because he had no family. I’m hope he’s sitting on a moonbeams blowing smoke rings.

I’ve had enough for today so I’m off to bed. Ni-night world.

Jacqui

Once again

This morning was like a rainbow after rain. I woke up to the annoying sound of my alarm. As I woke up I could hear the sound of laughter. I heard eldest’s voice despite it being 7.30am. Its his birthday & despite being 23 he’s a big kid. I sat for a while remembering the morning I gave birth. I was clueless & at one point told the midwife I had changed my mind & was going to get the train home. Drug free birth & he arrived in one push. I pushed so hard he was caught by his Dad.

This evening he oozed to his gf it was a good thing she & her Mum knew him. Not sure the comment was directed at me but I felt quite hurt. I got him exactly what he had asked for & I took it as a dig. His thoughtless comment has rung about in my head all evening whilst he & his gf are comfy cozy in his bedroom. I admit I’ve had other things on my mind but he’s a grown up & so what if his presents hadn’t been wrapped. He’s never up early.

So onto daughter Hope. Hope went out to school yesterday without even looking at me. This morning it was almost like she had been replaced with a sunny, happy child. She sat with her friends at lunch. She participated in lessons & seemed to enjoy her day. I’m not sure what’s going on with her but I’m not taking my eyes off her just yet. Its been a fkn awful week & I’m going back to work tomorrow. That’ll be fun. Ni-night world.

Jacqui

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Softly, softly

When my alarm went off I felt that sinking feeling that a dreaded day brings. I listen for noise downstairs. I here the usual voices & its not unusual that Hope’s voice is missing. 10mins later & I’m downstairs doing a head count. She’s not here. I mouth where is she & am told she’s getting dressed. Can I dare hope its her school uniform lol & it is. Another 10mins pass & she’s still not out her bedroom. She’s putting her make-up on, o to be 13yrs old.

If you read last night post you should get that i’m walking on eggshells. I can’t help it. I’m so afraid to say the wrong thing to her that I didn’t say a word to her this morning. Its not like I can say how you feeling, any thoughts of suicide today. Yesterday I did tell her just because its misty & cloudy when you get up doesn’t mean it going to rain. She looked at me like I was mad. She swept out her bedroom & down the next set of stairs. She picked up her lunch & left. I get that its my fault she has to go to school but we didn’t share a world this morning. She has gone to school. Her teacher has been informed & all I have to do is hold my breath until 4pm. Easy really..

Jacq