Damp & Dreach

Weather wise its been a horrible day in my part of Scotland. Our town centre was full of people from 9am this morning. Most just wanted to buy & run. Hogmany is a day for being at home. I opened our shop this year so it seemed fitting that I closed it. I turned our sign at 3pm & felt relief.

All the people I’ve served this year & it must run into hundreds are doing whatever. I wonder if they know they make a huge difference to the lives of the people at our hospice. Without them our hospice wouldn’t function. I wish I could thank each & every one of them. Saying thank you as they leave never seems enough. I never, ever forget why I do what I do. The reason I do it is down to a man called Jimmy. Just a man who loved me like I was his own. Strathcarron Hospice is where he died. He died with people around him. If he hadn’t been a patient he’d have died alone. He may not have been one of mine but it felt like it & knowing he wasn’t alone is a gift I can never repay.

I’d promised myself that when today arrived I wouldn’t look back. I wouldn’t reflect on anything or anyone from my past. I didn’t even go to Dads grave. My Dad & my daughter are gone. I wish they weren’t but wishing does fk all. I know as this year turns into next I’ll have to bite my lip otherwise I could cry. I refuse to let myself wallow in self pity. I’ll leave that for those who need it, I don’t. I have a beautiful home filled with people I love.

Finally, I took Noddy off my block list in Facebook. I wanted to see if he was dead. He’s not. He’s alive & I have no idea why I dreamt my dead Dad told me he’d gone to a better place lol. Maybe a better place isn’t death? Dreams can be so confusing. I feel terribly frustrated, one stupid dream & I’m annoyed that I let it bother me. I need to put some music into my ears & chill.

Tonight is a family night. Getting drunk is a bonus & I intend to get very drunk tonight. Happy New Year people.


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