Damp & Dreach

Weather wise its been a horrible day in my part of Scotland. Our town centre was full of people from 9am this morning. Most just wanted to buy & run. Hogmany is a day for being at home. I opened our shop this year so it seemed fitting that I closed it. I turned our sign at 3pm & felt relief.

All the people I’ve served this year & it must run into hundreds are doing whatever. I wonder if they know they make a huge difference to the lives of the people at our hospice. Without them our hospice wouldn’t function. I wish I could thank each & every one of them. Saying thank you as they leave never seems enough. I never, ever forget why I do what I do. The reason I do it is down to a man called Jimmy. Just a man who loved me like I was his own. Strathcarron Hospice is where he died. He died with people around him. If he hadn’t been a patient he’d have died alone. He may not have been one of mine but it felt like it & knowing he wasn’t alone is a gift I can never repay.

I’d promised myself that when today arrived I wouldn’t look back. I wouldn’t reflect on anything or anyone from my past. I didn’t even go to Dads grave. My Dad & my daughter are gone. I wish they weren’t but wishing does fk all. I know as this year turns into next I’ll have to bite my lip otherwise I could cry. I refuse to let myself wallow in self pity. I’ll leave that for those who need it, I don’t. I have a beautiful home filled with people I love.

Finally, I took Noddy off my block list in Facebook. I wanted to see if he was dead. He’s not. He’s alive & I have no idea why I dreamt my dead Dad told me he’d gone to a better place lol. Maybe a better place isn’t death? Dreams can be so confusing. I feel terribly frustrated, one stupid dream & I’m annoyed that I let it bother me. I need to put some music into my ears & chill.

Tonight is a family night. Getting drunk is a bonus & I intend to get very drunk tonight. Happy New Year people.

Jacqui

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

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None the wiser

Another year is almost over. I’m usually centred in negativity by now. This year I’m not.. I don’t sweat the small things anymore. I’m looking forward to another year. Tomorrow is Hogmany & I’m going to greet the coming year with a smile.

A site I used to use years ago is closing tomorrow. Its called 43 things. People could share 3 goals at a time & we supported each other. Sharing goals helped focus them I guess & typing them made them real. Mine where very simple. Pay off a £7,000 credit card debt, lose some weight & allow myself to be happy. Reads easy doesn’t it. The credit debt wasn’t mine except it was in my name. I could have screamed & shouted but I chose to pay it. It took me many months but every month any spare money I had went to that debt until it was clear. The weight I lost & put back on but that’s life. The happy was the hardest for me. Being happy doesn’t come naturally. I’m always waiting for the happy bubble to burst. A bit like having a list for Santa as a kid. I knew I would be disappointed but I always hoped. I would wonder why Santa didn’t read my letters. Santa I learned years later didn’t have the money. I thought that a bit like the Santa lists only special people got to be happy.

I’ve got my happy. Life’s to short. I please myself & I enjoy my time. I’ve met so many different people over the last few years who have taught me that ups & downs are just part of life & we all have them. No one is any more special than anyone else.

I’ve a busy day tomorrow. Work, eyebrows, hair dye, kids to feed & washing to do. I won’t sum up this year because I don’t need to. Ups & downs with lots of laughs & a few tears. Thanks for reading & I wish you a happy new year.

Jacqui

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Dreaming in colour..

I had a wonderful sleep last night.  I seen my Dad in a dream which is always cool.  Death maybe final but in my dreams Dad can seem very much alive & I’m comforted by his presence.  He looks the same, sounds the same & he’s just him.  Anyway, that was the best of my dreams last night.   I was told Noddy is dead.  He who was called Noddy could be dead, I wouldn’t know.  I was surprised by my reaction which was silence..  I was confused that I was being told & why was I being told anyway.  His death would be non consequential to me.  Of course I would be sad, except I wouldn’t be lol.  I wakened up remembering both dreams.  My Dad I welcome, I always love seeing him.  Noddy I didn’t see & I really don’t want to.  Do I regret calling him a Spineless Prick?  Um no, at the time that’s exactly what he was.  I’m not a grudge holder though.   I’m a let the shit go type.  I get over stuff in my own time & I’m confused as to why he’d even be mentioned in a dream.  I’m going to blame it on the time of year & forget it.  I haven’t thought about him in a very long time.

** I actually just went back to the beginning of this blog.  Although I had started it in 2006 I’d deleted loads.    I maybe knew that’s where Noddy was.   I’ve rarely needto remind myself of him.  I’d  forgotten that he used to read this blog but that was in Spaces, long before WordPress.  He wouldn’t come here.  I’d forgotten how totally desolate I felt.  I was totally lost & I’m patting my back at how much I’ve grown up.  I really am happy now.  Happy crept up on me & I wouldn’t want to change anything about my life.  The past is there only as a lesson.  Boy, did Noddy ever teach me a lesson.    I hope Noddy isn’t dead & that he’s happy but tbh whether he’s alive or dead, its not my business. Once Noddy told me about a relationship he had.  He sounded apathetic & I wondered how he could be so unemotive.   It never occurred to me that I would become someone he’d be apathetic about.  The last time I spoke to him I actually heard it, I remember feeling totally insulted.    I’d personally miss my enthusiasm, my obsession with tic-tacs.  My wacky sense of humour & my Mutley laugh.  I’d miss so much about me that I think I’ll just keep being me…

Jacqui

The things that make me me…

I’m a sucker for routine but every know & then I like to mix it up.  That meant no visiting on Christmas Eve.  Christmas Eve was mine.  I had wrapped & delivered all the presents I needed to.  I went to my Dad’s grave & gave him a little shiny chocolate, just the one cos he never ate more than one.   I felt quite bad walking away from his stone.  I sometimes wish I could stay but life goes on.  I leave with a sigh knowing my chaos awaits me.  i sat in my garden & blew bubbles for Jessica.  I always think about my daughter but at Christmas I miss her just a little bit more.  Blowing bubbles makes me smile & its one of my things 🙂

So Christmas Day came & went.  I can’t believe I stayed in bed until 8.30am.  Eldest had been at work until 7am & he took his time waking everyone up.  I’m loving how my kids are maturing.  Youngest was the only one who stropped.  Who knew that a nerf gun needed batteries.  Batteries bought & he was a happy little bunny.  No moans, no groans & no forgotten about gifts.  I had completed everyone’s lists.  The best moment of the day was when at the dinner table eldest was heard saying to his Gf that he’d had the best Christmas ever.  i wanted to shout  Okay, its over, we won’t ever do this again.  I always laughed when he’d say it had been a crap Christmas.  I was surprised by how much a cared.

Finally, during the run up to Christmas Glasgow suffered another tragedy.  A girl who lived next door to me was one of those injured.  She’s still in hospital.  Irene will be okay & return to her family.  I’m all to aware that some parents don’t have their kids for a lifetime.  I have 7 of my 8 kids and I count my blessings.  I know I moan about my kidlets but they really are the very best of me.  They fill my life with happiness, frustration, hope & joy.  As my children Jamie, Jennifer, Joy, Jack, Hope, Lulu & Nicky have grown I can stick my two fingers up to those who seen them as too much work.  That really is their loss because my children are really cool, decent human beings..

Okay, I’ve been here.  I had a great Christmas.  I’m intending to have a great New Year & I hope you all do the same 🙂

Jacqui