Archive | November 2015

How not to have a happy life

My Mother phoned me this morning.  ‘Jacqueline, I don’t feel well’.  10 minutes later & I’ve left work & I’m sitting in my Mother’s house.  Long story short she had stopped the meds she had been on for her back pain.  She’d also picked up a tummy bug & was feeling nauseous.  I sit down & phone my big sister.  Kate had been on the drugs our Mother had stopped & would know any side effects.  Big sister appears at my Mothers.  You know how siblings can get snide?   Mine went straight to snide.  ‘You know I do as much as I can for you mum’ she says.  Pregnant pause & all eyes are on me.  O fuck me, they actually think I’m going o give up what little life I have to spend more time with my Mother.  My brain is running over the possibilities.  Yes, I could give up work & spend my days with my Mother.  Reality check, I don’t want to.  Please don’t make me I thought.

Much as I love my big sister she can be a snide nasty cow.  The way she spoke to my Mother was quite shocking today.  She jumps from sugar & spice to a rottweiler in a nano second.  She frequently says  you have a life, don’t do more than you can manage with Mum.  Yet she never misses an opportunity to have a dig at me.  Why did that man have to die.  He’d have put my sister in her place.  I feel incredibly exposed without him.  My family have a way of leaving me feeling inadequate & small.  Few people in this world make me feel inferior but that’s one thing Kate & my name searcher have in common.  I am not worthy & I mean that..