My Mother phoned me this morning. ‘Jacqueline, I don’t feel well’. 10 minutes later & I’ve left work & I’m sitting in my Mother’s house. Long story short she had stopped the meds she had been on for her back pain. She’d also picked up a tummy bug & was feeling nauseous. I sit down & phone my big sister. Kate had been on the drugs our Mother had stopped & would know any side effects. Big sister appears at my Mothers. You know how siblings can get snide? Mine went straight to snide. ‘You know I do as much as I can for you mum’ she says. Pregnant pause & all eyes are on me. O fuck me, they actually think I’m going o give up what little life I have to spend more time with my Mother. My brain is running over the possibilities. Yes, I could give up work & spend my days with my Mother. Reality check, I don’t want to. Please don’t make me I thought.
Much as I love my big sister she can be a snide nasty cow. The way she spoke to my Mother was quite shocking today. She jumps from sugar & spice to a rottweiler in a nano second. She frequently says you have a life, don’t do more than you can manage with Mum. Yet she never misses an opportunity to have a dig at me. Why did that man have to die. He’d have put my sister in her place. I feel incredibly exposed without him. My family have a way of leaving me feeling inadequate & small. Few people in this world make me feel inferior but that’s one thing Kate & my name searcher have in common. I am not worthy & I mean that..