How not to have a happy life

My Mother phoned me this morning.  ‘Jacqueline, I don’t feel well’.  10 minutes later & I’ve left work & I’m sitting in my Mother’s house.  Long story short she had stopped the meds she had been on for her back pain.  She’d also picked up a tummy bug & was feeling nauseous.  I sit down & phone my big sister.  Kate had been on the drugs our Mother had stopped & would know any side effects.  Big sister appears at my Mothers.  You know how siblings can get snide?   Mine went straight to snide.  ‘You know I do as much as I can for you mum’ she says.  Pregnant pause & all eyes are on me.  O fuck me, they actually think I’m going o give up what little life I have to spend more time with my Mother.  My brain is running over the possibilities.  Yes, I could give up work & spend my days with my Mother.  Reality check, I don’t want to.  Please don’t make me I thought.

Much as I love my big sister she can be a snide nasty cow.  The way she spoke to my Mother was quite shocking today.  She jumps from sugar & spice to a rottweiler in a nano second.  She frequently says  you have a life, don’t do more than you can manage with Mum.  Yet she never misses an opportunity to have a dig at me.  Why did that man have to die.  He’d have put my sister in her place.  I feel incredibly exposed without him.  My family have a way of leaving me feeling inadequate & small.  Few people in this world make me feel inferior but that’s one thing Kate & my name searcher have in common.  I am not worthy & I mean that..


My little tray of bliss

It maybe still November but I have finished my Christmas shopping.  I’m hoping no one will hate me but I am DONE.  If someone could do my wrapping that would be great but I guess it’s down to me.  I’ve even done my food shopping.

I’ve bought the iphones. I’ve bought the laptop. I’ve bought the ridiculously expensive Lacoste polo tops for my eldest ( polo tops that costs £85, seriously).  I bought son 2 his beloved Fred Perry polo tops.  My son’s have expensive tastes.   I’ve bought the aftershaves & what 11yr old has to wear aftershave everyday (that would be mine).  I’ve bought the perfumes, the gift sets.  As I’m running through the list I can feel panic welling.  Have I forgotten something.  My juggling balls are bouncing in my head & they’re all crashing against each other.  Don’t get distracted Jacq, you said your done so no more shopping.  I can breathe & look forward to Christmas.   As soon as I get my wrapping organised I will start to get excited.

Too easy

Somethings are just to easy aren’t they.  Sending a message to my ex brother in law via Facebook was a breeze.  Will he answer?  Probably not.   I don’t honestly care but I did it without even thinking about it.  Funny how I can send a message to someone I don’t care about without thinking but I avoid sending messages to people I do care about.  Who’d be a fickle woman eh?

So I think its my turn to kick the ball.  I took someone off block in Facebook.  They changed there banner to a fabulous purple rock thingy.  Despite my dead Dad telling me not to smile about it, I did.  My ball kick is as long as that banner stays up I will leave them off block.  They change the banner I put them back onto block.  I’ve kicked the ball back..

I had a fun day.  Wine helped & I’m just waiting for bedtime 🙂

I’m so proud

I haven’t had a cigarette since yesterday.  A whole 24hrs without a drag on a fag.  No throat hit, no tobacco smell & I’m fine.  I’m actually feeling fine.  No nasty symptoms, no nicotine withdrawal, nothing.  Is it just my time to stop smoking?  I hope so.  My bronchitis frightened me.  I don’t want to die from a smoking related illness.  Frankly, I don’t want to die at all but I know I will.  I just don’t fancy a premature death.  I can’t honestly remember the last time I was nicotine free for 24hrs.  Will it last?  I have no idea.  I’m taking one hour at a time but so far I’m okay.  I’ve been very even tempered today.  Even my attitude filled daughter Hope didn’t send me searching for a cigarette.  Fingers crossed it lasts..


Positive spin

My daughter Joy came to work with me this morning. It maybe a shop but I’ve worked there so long its like an extension of my home. Our customers are like paying visitors. I’m definitely in my comfort zone. My daughter wasn’t so comfortable. 3 customers & its to many people for her to cope with. I was trying to do my own job & keep Joy busy. I tried to put a positive spin on it but she just wouldn’t buy it. Joy is never going to be comfortable with strangers but I hope she can relax enough not to look so terrified.

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