I’m having some family issues that I’m choosing not to type about here. I’ve opened a private journal for that stuff. I suspect I’ll be spending oodles of time typing there. My head is full of broken bottles. The thing with broken bottles is even if you glue them back together they’re never the same. No matter how good you are with glue, the cracks are still evident. I’m sad for my entire family. Mostly though I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. I’ve become so focused on someone else I’m not taking care of myself or any of my other people. I’m asking God to give me more patience. I need to be more understanding. Most of all I need a great big dollop of courage to get me through. I really am crap at the tough stuff. I really am the most chicken hearted woman I know. It’s unfortunate but I really don’t have a choice.
My world is very chaotic currently. I’ve got shit on top of shit. Every day starts with a feeling of dread. The feeling lingers until I know calm has been restored. I may start typing on a different blog or create an online journal where I can drone on without worrying about who’s reading. I am not having a good time currently & that’s all I have time for.
My eldest son & his girlfriend are moving into a flat next week. A weeks notice is fine except its turning my house upside down. My eldest daughter is moving into eldest’s room. My 3 younger sons are moving to the room the girls currently have. My younger 2 daughters are happy to move upstairs beside me. I’m not sure I’m up to all this change but it’s happening. I’ve got so much stuff going on currently. Youngest has been having some serious meltdowns. He’s been walking out of school, swearing at teachers & giving me his normal defiant attitude. Our child mental health team have a very long waiting list. I’m hanging on to my sanity by trying to placate him till we get there. It felt like a relief to tell someone what he’s really like. I’m seriously out of my depth but admitting it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. He thinks he’s won because he has no idea what is about to happen. I don’t want to type negative stuff so I’m off..
I’ve set a photo of my old Dad as my wallpaper on this insufferable phone. I wont be able to keep it. Everytime i look at it I cry. Before I cry though I smile. I miss him so much but I’m sure wherever he is, (found the comma) , he knows that already.
I got lots of birthday cards & gifts today in work. I don’t just have a birthday. I have an entire birthday week. That means a whole week off work. This year my birthday is on Monday & I can’t wait. I was astounded when a couple of our customers came in with gifts & cards. I was so touched that one of them had even gone to the trouble of making me a card. I’m always astounded when people show kindness. I guess it helps that I share a birthday with Rabbie Burns. I never tire of pointing out that I’m alive to celebrate my birthday whilst he’s long gone.
I am very blessed & privileged to have reached the age I have. I don’t always appreciate the grey hairs I have or the lines on my face. I don’t ever appreciate my failing joints. I appreciate the knowledge life has allowed me to gain. I really, really like the woman I’ve become. She’s an infectious mix of chaos & fun. She may be a bit eccentric & laugh a bit to much. She may get over excited at the silliest of things. She may take everything to heart & be a bit sulky but she does have a good heart. I hope my Dad is up in Heaven patting himself on the back. He did a good job instilling values in me I strive to maintain. I’m going to enjoy my birthday week. I’m still in my non alcoholic month for the year. I intend to have a good laugh with my people & stay up way later than I should. I know on Monday morning my Facebook wall will be filled with messages. My phone will have at least 1 text from Capt Kirk. It’s strange how a man I don’t even know & I haven’t spoken to in nearly 10yrs never forgets my birthday. Some guys are just nice I guess.
The days of Jacqui wants so jacqui gets are long gone. I still stamp my feet when I want something but I realise I cant have everything. Life has ups & down. Life can get messy & complicated. Its how you handle the mess that makes or breaks you. If someone seriously hurts me I can be the bigger person. I just pretend they’re dead (sarcasm). I can forgive remotely. I don’t need an apology. All I need is time & space to let the dust settle. How long is not something I can ever guess but I do know I don’t have any anger or resentment towards anyone 🙂 Inevitably, people move on. We focus our attention on our own stuff until someday, some beautiful day, we realise we’ve crawled our way out. We survive by getting caught up in our own lives. If we don’t, if we can’t see past we’re in danger of ruining the present. I sometimes think of stamping my feet & then I remember not every choice was mine. I didn’t agree with every decision but I respect everyone’s right to make their own decisions.
So today someone phoned me & says help, my life is a mess. I was a rant window for an hour & that was okay. Um, I listened as they give a list of everything that’s wrong. I listened & I said nothing. I didn’t give any advice because its not my life to manage. Best I had was to say I don’t have all the answers but I’ll help in whatever way I can to figure out how to sort the mess. I tried to remind them that no situation ever remains the same. Life is constantly changing as do we. One day you can feel happy only to have misery visit the next. Its life & its all temporary. My own solution when my life was a total mess was to get a good haircut, stop wearing boots & get a job. Biggest change for me, I never ever wear skirts (funny but relevant). Within the realms of uncertainty everything is possible. What matters is we all need someone who can be our rant window & I’m happy I was.