The winter of my discontent

Life isn’t meant to be difficult is it?  I go through life observing & thinking on an never ending loop.  I give a lot of time to thought.  It’s slowly killing me though. The more I know, the more I know I don’t know (it’s true!!).   If I only had myself to consider frankly I’d run away lol.  I’d run so far no one could or would ever find me.  I’d be Just Jacqui, I miss myself so much.  I could smile, I could laugh & not feel any fear.  I look at myself & wonder what happened, seriously what the fuck happened??  There is nothing worse than being disappointed in yourself.  I am seriously disappointed.  Frankly, I’ve been disappointing myself for years.   Maybe some of us are meant to just exude the facade of happy.  I am the woman who used to say fake it till it gets real.  I’ve been faking it so long I don’t know what real is anymore.  Perhaps I never did.  I don’t ever remember a time when I felt this unhappy.

I really try hard to see things as they are, not as I want them to be.  I hate how no matter how much you want something you can’t have it just because.  O why can’t I just stamp my feet & have what I want.   I need to start believing that the things in my life that need to be changed can be.  Someone wiser than me once told me  life is all about the questions, not the answers.  The answers always change but the questions remain the same.  How true is that.   I tell myself that holding on for a better day will work.  That things will change & I don’t mean people but circumstances when I know they won’t.  I’m lying to myself way to often & I know I do because it’s the easier option.  I had hoped the older I got the more contented I’d feel.  The reality is I just feel totally discontented.  What makes it worse is I know I’m being ungrateful & whiney.  I attempt to reason with myself & get lost in my frustration.  Perhaps it’s an age thing.  Can we expect to live in a happy bubble our whole lives?  O fuck maybe I do need to feel validated, have someone love the wacky me to make me feel worthy.  I’m dismissing that thought as to frightening.  I could even blame this blog, something I have considered.  You watching my every move & I don’t even know why. Actually,  you probably won’t even read this far down haha.  You drive me insane because your gone except your not.  Your here more often than I am & that’s a problem.  I should re-instate your name, God knows you deserve it Noddy.  I seriously hope you made yourself happy Noddy because if your not we’re both screwed.  Your continued visits will assure me you are.  .  At least I have the excuse it’s mine.  Just be happy because 🙂  You know I always mention you at the end hoping you don’t read but I’ll never know will I.

I’m hoping typing has a cathartic effect.  Time will tell.  Goodnight World..

 

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