Just a typical Friday night

Last night being Friday meant my Tv was turned off.  Kids were away doing whatever & I discovered my chosen book was one I’d read already.  I decided to go over some really old post in my blog (as we do).  I thought perhaps I’d picked the wrong time.  Posts full of woes & no purpose or direction to my life.  I got the sense from them that I knew something had to change but I had no idea what.  Reading some of my own pained posts was tough.  I could almost feel the outpouring of emotion taking me back to a time now gone.  It’s funny because whilst I know it’s gone I can still remember how badly I felt.  I felt back then like my world was ending & it didn’t, it just changed.  I read those posts without apportioning any blame to either myself or anyone else involved.  They were the perfect posts to read & I smiled.

Just typing those posts made a huge difference in my life.  Knowing something had ended meant I had no alternative but to acknowledge something wasn’t right in my world.  If I hadn’t typed those posts I wouldn’t have connected with what I needed to do which was change.  Change my belief in other people & ultimately my belief in myself.  I connected enough to know that something was seriously off within me.  I can’t type that I made my life all better.  What I did do was take steps to make my life easier for me,  I became kinder to myself & recently I’ve stopped doing that.  I’ve gotten into the cycle of believing any shit that comes my way is well deserved.  Maybe because no one told me anything else I believed that.  Reading my own painful posts reminded me that I don’t deserve everything that’s thrown at me.  I’m a pretty okay person who should trust in myself more.  Only I know what I need & I should trust myself to get it.  I’ve been feeling discontented because of external reasons & I shouldn’t.   Change doesn’t happen over night but I’ve done it once before & I can do it again.  I just need to remember what I’m capable of..

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