Last night being Friday meant my Tv was turned off. Kids were away doing whatever & I discovered my chosen book was one I’d read already. I decided to go over some really old post in my blog (as we do). I thought perhaps I’d picked the wrong time. Posts full of woes & no purpose or direction to my life. I got the sense from them that I knew something had to change but I had no idea what. Reading some of my own pained posts was tough. I could almost feel the outpouring of emotion taking me back to a time now gone. It’s funny because whilst I know it’s gone I can still remember how badly I felt. I felt back then like my world was ending & it didn’t, it just changed. I read those posts without apportioning any blame to either myself or anyone else involved. They were the perfect posts to read & I smiled.
Just typing those posts made a huge difference in my life. Knowing something had ended meant I had no alternative but to acknowledge something wasn’t right in my world. If I hadn’t typed those posts I wouldn’t have connected with what I needed to do which was change. Change my belief in other people & ultimately my belief in myself. I connected enough to know that something was seriously off within me. I can’t type that I made my life all better. What I did do was take steps to make my life easier for me, I became kinder to myself & recently I’ve stopped doing that. I’ve gotten into the cycle of believing any shit that comes my way is well deserved. Maybe because no one told me anything else I believed that. Reading my own painful posts reminded me that I don’t deserve everything that’s thrown at me. I’m a pretty okay person who should trust in myself more. Only I know what I need & I should trust myself to get it. I’ve been feeling discontented because of external reasons & I shouldn’t. Change doesn’t happen over night but I’ve done it once before & I can do it again. I just need to remember what I’m capable of..