I’m never silent

pregnancy-stillbirth

Miscarriage, stillbirths, infant deaths happen.  Some people still consider the loss of a pregnancy or child a taboo subject.  We who have lost should never, ever feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about our angels.  I suffered miscarriages & a  full-term stillbirth. Imagine pushing a child out into this world after 8hrs in labour knowing she was already dead.  I am the Mum who did that.  I had miscarriages with very young kids & had to still function.   Just because I don’t talk about them doesn’t mean they went away.  They didn’t & I remember each & every one of them, every single day.  The grief you feel never goes away.  I never pretend they didn’t exist.  In October I pray for every angel not just my own.

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No brainer

As I pleaded ‘please don’t leave me here he replied o your coming with me.  The relief must have been evident as he laughed.  I’m moving!!!  I’m hop, skipping & giggling merrily onto a new shop & I’m totally thrilled I’m going.  I was given the task of juggling staff to keep 2 shops open & functioning.  Some staff won’t be happy but I did try to keep everyone happy.  I’m sure some will think I’m mad but I do know everyone & the strengths they have.  I’m going but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the place I’m leaving behind.  We have a move date & it’s all systems go.  Work doesn’t usually get much brain space from me but it’s been totally distracting this week.  Trying to juggle staff has been a real headache but in theory, it works.  If I could clone another Mr Manager it would be fantastic but I can’t.  He seems to think he can do everything by himself & pointing that fact out to him just meets raised eyebrows.  Work is over for a couple of days & I’m going to just chill about it.

Baby child has been behaving excellently.  School has settled down & at home he’s even tempered & polite.  He’s still way to loud but I’ll have to live with that.  I’m feeling a bit off & I’m not sure why.  I’m going to head to bed early & hope I feel better.  If someone has given me some germ ridden virus I will not be happy.  Goodnight..

Day 9

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My youngest son, Nicky.  He can sit quietly sometimes.  He’s had a couple  of great weeks at school.  His reward is a friend staying over tonight.   Not got much brain space today.

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Day 8

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By the skin of my teeth I managed to get this picture of Fudge.  He seriously needs a haircut.  His reaction is a look of am I bothered which makes me laugh.

Something that did make me smile was I found my Dads ring.   My is that really your hair looked straight on the surface this morning but underneath it was its usual unruly mess.  I must have rubbed the back of my neck & it had got caught in my hair.  I obviously hadn’t noticed & it had stayed in my hair till I rubbed my neck again.  After 5 years of wearing it I’ve had to put it away.  It’s too big to wear & I’d always worry it would slip off.  It’s enough to know where it is. Sleepy time, goodnight

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Gutted

I wore my Dad’s wedding ring on my thumb.  My Mother took it off his finger almost immediately after he died.  I glanced down at my thumb this morning & realised it had gone.  It must have fallen off into a carrier bag when I was serving customers.  I’m in a bad mood & I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Linkin Park – Shadow of the day

I can’t believe it’s been 3yrs since this post was published. I still love this song & I appreciate beautiful sunsets.

Decaf White

When my Dad was dying he refused to get out of bed. He’d spend hours looking out of his window. He would have seen some beautiful sunsets. The morning he died I remember sitting outside watching the sun rise never imagining what was about to happen. Except of course I knew , I just didnt want him to die. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way but this song reminds me of that time & I smile thinking about those beautiful sunsets that would have made him smile. x

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