Sometimes

memories

Just sometimes things get found that I have hidden.  The above is a Christmas tree bauble my Dad gave me years ago.  I never use it.  I can’t stand the sight of it so kept it tucked away in a drawer in my bedroom.  I knew exactly where it was & never think about it.  It’s one of those things I should love except I hate it haha.  Youngest had a meltdown on my bed this afternoon.  He started pulling my drawers out.  He pulled out my perfume drawer, my document drawer & then the drawer holding the bauble.  I warned him not to.  Before I knew it the bauble is rolling toward me.  I shot him a look that earned my a punch.  I know it’s wrong but I’m totally over the punching & kicking.   I’m tired of being hit.  It doesn’t hurt physically but the hate in his face cuts me dead.  In my head I’m saying grow the fuck up whilst my voice says that’s a disgusting thing to do.  I stop talking & wait for the calm.  The calm comes eventually & he thinks he can just go about his day again.  He knows what he’s doing is wrong so why does he do it??  He understands consequences follow, getting him to follow them is a boring chore.  He’s now in his bedroom & I’m left wondering what the fuck happened.

It freaks me out how much his rage is a mirror to my Dad’s.  Dad seriously raged when he was drunk.   Given he was an alcoholic that was quite often.  My Dad sobered up when I was an adult but I never seen temper from him sober.  Baby child can go from 0 to 100 without provocation.  I was never afraid of my Dad & I have no fear with Nicky but perhaps by keeping me cool & not buying into his rage I’m not helping.  I don’t understand where the anger & rage comes from.  I don’t really need to, I’ve long since given up on the why’s.  He is only 12yrs old though & he is my responsibility.  Whatever I try doesn’t work & I’m all out of ideas.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes

  1. I won’t & don’t accept responsibility for my son’s actions. He’s just a very angry child who thinks he should always get his own way (spoilt brat syndrome). It’s my job to teach him that the world doesn’t revolve around him. He has 6 older siblings who tolerate him at best. His psychologist & anger management counsellor just say do what your doing. Yeh, because that works.

  2. As a mother of three son’s now adults it is not easy. I have one son just like you describe. I tried counseling and anger management but he still grew to be more abusive. He sits in jail now sadly for DV charges. I don’t know where I went wrong and he does say its not my fault. But, what am I to think. I now said get some solid help and then let’s see. Best to you…..

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