Ouch that hurt

The doom & gloom I had expected on Saturday was just on a delay.  It hit tonight & I let it sit with me.  I didn’t bother wondering why because I know why.  I appreciate it because I survived, we survived.  I could burst with relief for both of us that we survived.   Tonight I embraced my doom.  I thought maybe it was just a bruised ego but I’m pretty sure its not.  I shut memories out because that person is the one person I never felt good enough for.  I always thought they could see my flaws through my skin.  Maybe they could.

I’m giving myself a head fuck.  I thought I’d stopped doing that.  I need to remember how far I’ve come.  I’m going to keep reminding myself that perhaps they aren’t as secure with who they’ve become.  I get no satisfaction from even thinking that.  I think that because they keep looking back.  Why can’t they just do that memory thing rather than dipping in here.  Looking in that Facebook page shocked the hell out of me.  Thinking about someone from my past is way easier when I can’t see there face.  My reaction was to click straight off like I’d been pinched haha.  I felt like someone had slapped me & that was so not good.  It was actually a brilliant reality check & not in a good way for me.  I kept them on block for the longest time, I don’t any more.  I huffed at how they’ve never blocked me because you do block people if you care haha.  My logic is seriously flawed I know.  Could he not just have blocked me & then I  I could have told him to unblock me.  Seriously, was he losing anything doing that?  You know what I can laugh now at my stupidity.  I know that some of us beat ourselves up when thinking about the past whilst worrying about the future.  I am that kind of person.  I’m going to hedge my bets & say whatever  he thinks of me is a mirror of what I think of him.  That covers a lot of bases.

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Oops to that mistake

play-the-gameNothing good ever comes from snooping.  How often have I typed that?  I’m not one of lifes snoopers.  I have enough going on in my own world & I seriously couldn’t be bothered.  Maybe I just have to much respect for other peoples privacy.

I hope your reading Ian.  Your Sunday name being used is an indication that I’m irked.  We shouldn’t put our business on Facebook unless we restrict it to just our friends.  It’s bad when any Tom, Dick, Harry or Kate can see where you are & where your going.  Especially when they tell a Jacqui who then looks & sees nothing.  Kate told me on Saturday you where home (I mean my hometown obviously not yours).  Perhaps you didn’t realise Kate has to much time on her hands & she loves snooping.    I wouldn’t want my movements being known to my past.  Maybe you don’t give your past a second thought.  Except you do because your here.  Anyway, Kate has hung on to the memory of you, she hates being wrong.  She told me on Saturday & surprisingly I didn’t feel the way I usually do.  The cloud of doom & gloom didn’t decend.  It didn’t change what I do at the weekend though.  I always think it must be worse for you coming into my sky.  You know I’m here & I could be anywhere so it seems a bit strange that you advertise where your going.  I did tell Kate that would be so I could avoid it.  In reality the place you visit isn’t on my radar & you know that.   Tbh I wouldn’t avoid anywhere because of anyone.  Our paths never crossed before anyay but it seems a bit silly giving info on Facebook.  For future reference Kate still looks.  Stop putting your shit up for the world to see.  I did tell Kate this morning that if she checks & she still sees the comment you put up on Saturday to activate the kill switch but I may retract that.  I would worry for you if I didn’t.  If you’ve start playing games you know I’ll play better.

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Day 39

empty

My laundry basket or I should type my current one.  No washing, no ironing waiting.  I hate washing/ironing.  I hate even more clothes in a queue.  Get it done, get it sorted.  On the other hand I still have a mountain to climb in my coat cupboard.  It’s now above waist height & I’m no shorty.  It’s on my list & I will get to it.  I’m just hoping it’ll magically go away.  Yeh I know it won’t but I can pretend.

Easy Christmas Dinner

Oooo the dreaded Christmas dinner conversations have started.  I normally cook for between 10 & 12.  This year I have 10 to feed.  Given that 7 of them are my own children they’re quite used to my cooking.  We don’t do dinner before 5.15pm.  Christmas day is no exception.  I do the majority of the prep work the night before.  That’s maybe not the greatest of ideas since I’m half cut from lunch with my sister but it works for me.

I boil a huge ham the night before.  On Christmas day I pop it into my smallest oven 20 mins before dinner.  I par boil my potatoes, Brussel sprouts & carrots the night before.  I almost had a fucking breakdown one year when my potatoes just wouldn’t cook.  I would never, ever go through that again.    My family are big meat eaters so we have ham, beef & the biggest Turkey I can find.  I have 3 ovens; I know we don’t all have that luxury but I have cooked for the same number with one.  I use one for turkey, one for ham & my final convection oven is for my beef, potatoes, pigs in blankets & Yorkshire puddings.  I buy Yorkshire puddings because it’s a busy day, call me lazy,.  I make my beef & turkey gravy when all my meats are resting.  My veg gets glazed when everything else is finished.  I only cook things I know will be eaten.  That means no stuffing (Yuk, hate it), no cranberry sauce (never understood that) & no bread sauce. I once had someone who asked why I didn’t cook parsnips.  I don’t like them so have never bought them.  They didn’t get invited again.  We do eat horseradish but Asda do a fabulous jar & I always have it anyway.

The most important thing for me is keeping calm & keeping everyone out of my kitchen.  I hate people pottering about when I’m cooking.  I set my table in quiet moments.  I love setting out my charger plates, napkins & glasses with my fabulous cutlery.  I also remember to heat my plates up.  Who would eat Christmas dinner from a cold plate.  Cooking isn’t difficult or taxing.  The thing that always bothers me is how to dish up.  I hate serving everyone.  I’ve tried putting it all onto serving plates/bowls but it turns into a bun fight.  I’ve never got the serving thing right.  i don’t expect it’ll be any different this year,.  There will be a moment when I look up & everyone will be eating.  That’s the moment that becomes a Kodak one, the memory I’ll treasure.  That for me is what it’s about.  Hearing my children laugh & giggle is priceless 🙂

The washing – up is never done by me.  My 2 eldest daughters did it last year & moaned for the next 6 months.  I do use disposable tins inside my own.  It’s amazing the difference it makes to the washing up.  Just pull them out & bin them.  My own tins come out almost clean.  I might just pay my 2nd son this year to do the dishes.  Think it’ll be the best fiver I could spend.

New Day

I’m going to love this Sunday.  A bright new day.  Kids school washing has already been done & ironed so I really have a heads up on today.  Just my work washing to do & I can get on and do some real tedious stuff.  Half my kids were out at parties last night so it’s amazingly quiet this morning.  I should really be starting my day but first I have my decaf white, no sugar to drink 🙂