Ouch that hurt

The doom & gloom I had expected on Saturday was just on a delay.  It hit tonight & I let it sit with me.  I didn’t bother wondering why because I know why.  I appreciate it because I survived, we survived.  I could burst with relief for both of us that we survived.   Tonight I embraced my doom.  I thought maybe it was just a bruised ego but I’m pretty sure its not.  I shut memories out because that person is the one person I never felt good enough for.  I always thought they could see my flaws through my skin.  Maybe they could.

I’m giving myself a head fuck.  I thought I’d stopped doing that.  I need to remember how far I’ve come.  I’m going to keep reminding myself that perhaps they aren’t as secure with who they’ve become.  I get no satisfaction from even thinking that.  I think that because they keep looking back.  Why can’t they just do that memory thing rather than dipping in here.  Looking in that Facebook page shocked the hell out of me.  Thinking about someone from my past is way easier when I can’t see there face.  My reaction was to click straight off like I’d been pinched haha.  I felt like someone had slapped me & that was so not good.  It was actually a brilliant reality check & not in a good way for me.  I kept them on block for the longest time, I don’t any more.  I huffed at how they’ve never blocked me because you do block people if you care haha.  My logic is seriously flawed I know.  Could he not just have blocked me & then I  I could have told him to unblock me.  Seriously, was he losing anything doing that?  You know what I can laugh now at my stupidity.  I know that some of us beat ourselves up when thinking about the past whilst worrying about the future.  I am that kind of person.  I’m going to hedge my bets & say whatever  he thinks of me is a mirror of what I think of him.  That covers a lot of bases.