I had intended to start today with great enthusiasm. I didn’t plan on still being awake at 3am. The events of yesterday played on my mind. I am so frustrated by youngest & his behaviour. I so wish he’d grow-up but he’s 12 so we have a while to wait. I have a while to wait. In the mean time I’ll have to just hang on & hope for the best. Underneath the nasty, cheeky, defiant child is a wonderful one. I just have to pray that my calmness & fair resolve will work eventually. I have no problem with him anymore. He’s never violent or aggressive to me. I never thought I’d type that but I did. I can shut his attitude down with a look. He still has his moments but his biggest issue is at school. No one seems to be able to deal with him with any type of authority. A teacher calls him out & he’ll challenge them. He gets pleasure from winding adults up & they fall right into it. Teachers then bring the ego out to play & chaos wins. When chaos wins Nicky loses. He’s not a stupid boy but adults are more experienced so of course they win,.
My day could have been worse. I did the dreaded thing again. I actually did it all by myself (pat on the back time). Today isn’t a day of making every day count. I’m sorry but today I can’t be arsed haha. Every time i decide to shift my focus from my kids one of them, usually Nicky throws a curve ball. I’m to much of a hands on parent to let him sink & that’s probably part of his problem. Mum appears & attempts to sort all of his problems,. Maybe I need to realise I can’t.
I love challenging myself. It breaks up the tedium & boredom that comes with life. I’ve decided to start a 3o day challenge of making every day count. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I knew today was fast approaching. I didn’t want today to arrive. I survived it instead of living it. I was so annoyed with myself.. I did what I had to but I didn’t enjoy it. I’m not enjoying being me. I’m not even sure that makes sense to anyone other than me but it’s true. I’m getting lost in the quicksand of kids & other annoyances. I used to think anything was possible. I know it’s not but I need a little bit of hope that maybe I can be more than I am. I’m still a dreamer.
So what does make each day count mean to me. It means don’t be lazy. It means do something positive for me, not for someone else. Find something I want to do & just do it rather than worrying about other people. I swear no one worries about me (except maybe Joy but she’s my wee rainbow). I don’t know about you but my days just blend into one huge blob of inconsequential, soon forgotten nonsense. Today was a day I survived when I should actually be proud of myself. I actually did something I knew I’d find tough & it was but I did it. I seriously need to change my self-perception & stop beating myself up. If I was standing in front of a mirror right now I’d smile & say, lets do this. I might just amaze myself 🙂
.People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.”
— Norman Vincent Peal
Today was not the greatest of days. My little defiant youngest has got himself excluded from school again. Teachers playing the he said, I said game are incredibly draining. I am however the parent & whilst I say my sons personality is not a refection of me of course it is. He’s an annoying shit much like his Mother. Ah well, tomorrow is another day. I have a meeting at school on Wednesday morning. I go into meetings full of resolve & come out thinking what is the point. I give suggestions & pointers for them to use only to find out they completely disregard them.. I can’t give up but boy, I so want to.
The part of my day I was dreading was as good or as bad as I expected. I have to repeat the dreaded part for at least a few more days but dodged a bullet since Mr Manager was at a different store. I’m tired of school shit & I’m tired of work shit. I’ve decided that I’m going to appreciate my home time more. T feel fucked because if all I have to appreciate is my home time I really am in trouble haha. As soon as my shopping has been delivered I’m going to cook dinner, sort out my coat cupboard & hide in the bath for at least an hour. I’m not feeling great today & that’s down to people causing unnecessary stress. Isn’t life quite lovely when people take the piss,.
Google is taking way to long to stop indexing this site. I feel silly putting my own name into a search engine. I always have a heavy heart when this space pops up. I’m fed up waiting so please forgive me if I just hit the ‘set this site to private button’ for a while. A bit of private time is just what I need. February is a short month so I should maybe just hit that button & chill. January is way to long a month. Goodnight
I hate Sunday’s. Sunday is the day when I send my kids the menu for the coming week. It’s not easy trying to accommodate the likes & dislikes of 6 other people. I can’t please all of the people all of the time. This week I appear to have a mutiny. I always say if a particular meal isn’t to your liking let me know. I have 4 kids moaning about every single dish.
Menu w/b 30/01/2017
Chicken Casserole & Rice (to include onions, peppers, mushrooms & carrots)
Pork Steaks with Chilli & Cheese pasta
Shepherds pie with Broccoli & Cauliflower
Chicken tikka wraps (to include pilau rice & peppers)
Meatballs & Spaghetti (to include tomato sauce with no garlic)
I send them all the menu. I don’t expect full agreement but seriously moaning about every single days dinner is a step to far. Will I change it or give them a choice? Absolutely not. My fridge/freezer is always bursting with food. If they really don’t want to eat what I cook they are more than welcome to cook for themselves. I seriously don’t know why I bother.