I’m not sure

I had intended to start today with great enthusiasm.  I didn’t plan on still being awake at 3am.  The events of yesterday played on my mind.  I am so frustrated by youngest & his behaviour.  I so wish he’d grow-up but he’s 12 so we have a while to wait.  I have a while to wait.  In the mean time I’ll have to just hang on & hope for the best.  Underneath the nasty, cheeky, defiant child is a wonderful one.  I just have to pray that my calmness & fair resolve will work eventually.  I have no problem with him anymore.  He’s never violent or aggressive to me.  I never thought I’d type that but I did.  I can shut his attitude down with a look.  He still has his moments but his biggest issue is at school.  No one seems to be able to deal with him with any type of authority.  A teacher calls him out & he’ll challenge them.  He gets pleasure from winding adults up & they fall right into it.  Teachers then bring the ego out to play & chaos wins.  When chaos wins Nicky loses.  He’s not a stupid boy but adults are more experienced so of course they win,.

My day could have been worse.  I did the dreaded thing again.  I actually did it all by myself (pat on the back time).  Today isn’t a day of making every day count.  I’m sorry but today I can’t be arsed haha.  Every time i decide to shift my focus from my kids one of them, usually Nicky throws a curve ball.  I’m to much of a hands on parent to let him sink & that’s probably part of his problem.  Mum appears & attempts to sort all of his problems,.  Maybe I need to realise I can’t.

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Every day..

everydayI love challenging myself.  It breaks up the tedium & boredom that comes with life.  I’ve decided to start a 3o day challenge of making every day count.  Last night I couldn’t sleep.  I knew today was fast approaching.  I didn’t want today to arrive.  I survived it instead of living it.  I was so annoyed with myself..  I did what I had to but I didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not enjoying being me.  I’m not even sure that makes sense to anyone other than me but it’s true.  I’m getting lost in the quicksand of kids & other annoyances.  I used to think anything was possible.  I know it’s not but I need a little bit of hope that maybe I can be more than I am.  I’m still a dreamer.

So what does make each day count mean to me.  It means don’t be lazy.  It means do something positive for me, not for someone else.  Find something I want to do & just do it rather than worrying about other people.  I swear no one worries about me (except maybe Joy but she’s my wee rainbow).  I don’t know about you but my days just blend into one huge blob of inconsequential, soon forgotten nonsense.  Today was a day I survived when I should actually be proud of myself.   I actually did something I knew I’d find tough & it was but I did it.   I seriously need to change my self-perception & stop beating myself up.   If I was standing in front of a mirror right now I’d smile & say, lets do this.  I might just amaze myself 🙂

.People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.”
— Norman Vincent Peal

 

Here we go again

Today was not the greatest of days.  My little defiant youngest has got himself excluded from school again.  Teachers playing the he said, I said game are incredibly draining.  I am however the parent & whilst I say my sons personality is not a refection of me of course it is.  He’s an annoying shit much like his Mother.  Ah well, tomorrow is another day.  I have a meeting at school on Wednesday morning.  I go into meetings full of resolve & come out thinking what is the point.  I give suggestions & pointers for them to use only to find out they completely disregard them.. I can’t give up but boy, I so want to.

The part of my day I was dreading was as good or as bad as I expected.  I have to repeat the dreaded part for at least a few more days but dodged a bullet since Mr Manager was at a different store.  I’m tired of school shit & I’m tired of work shit.  I’ve decided that I’m going to appreciate my home time more.  T feel fucked because if all I have to appreciate is my home time I really am in trouble haha.  As soon as my shopping has been delivered I’m going to cook dinner, sort out my coat cupboard & hide in the bath for at least an hour.  I’m not feeling great today & that’s down to people causing unnecessary stress.  Isn’t life quite lovely when people take the piss,.

Just for me

Google is taking way to long to stop indexing this site.  I feel silly putting my own name into a search engine.  I always have a heavy heart when this space pops up.  I’m fed up waiting so please forgive me if I just hit the ‘set this site to private button’ for a while.  A bit of private time is just what I need.  February is a short month so I should maybe just hit that button & chill.   January is way to long a month.  Goodnight

It’s today again

I hate Sunday’s.  Sunday is the day when I send my kids the menu for the coming week.  It’s not easy trying to accommodate the likes & dislikes of 6 other people.  I can’t please all of the people all of the time.  This week I appear to have a mutiny.  I always say if a particular meal isn’t to your liking let me know.  I have 4 kids moaning about every single dish.

Menu w/b 30/01/2017

Chicken Casserole & Rice (to include onions, peppers, mushrooms & carrots)

Pork Steaks with Chilli & Cheese pasta

Shepherds pie with Broccoli & Cauliflower

Chicken tikka wraps (to include pilau rice & peppers)

Meatballs & Spaghetti (to include tomato sauce with no garlic)

I send them all the menu.  I don’t expect full agreement but seriously moaning about every single days dinner is a step to far.  Will I change it or give them a choice?  Absolutely not.  My fridge/freezer is always bursting with food.  If they really don’t want to eat what I cook they are more than welcome to cook for themselves.  I seriously don’t know why I bother.