Change = Growth

set-a-change

One of the wonderful things about blogging is I can go back in time.  I can zoom back 10 years & read.  I sometimes wonder who that woman was.  She’s a stranger to me now.  I much prefer the 10 years older me.  I hate, hate, hate people who can’t see past the past.  They rake it up like it’s a precious jewel they can throw back in your face.  They can be as embittered & twisted as they like.  I refuse to get sucked into the blame game.  I am not who I was 10 years ago.  I don’t need to apologies for who I was, who I am or who I’ve still to become.  I’m at peace with myself & some people don’t like that.

I hate people who think they know me.  They don’t.  They have a perception of who they think I am.  They have a notion of how I should behave & how I should react.  I had someone shouting in my face yesterday & I just listened & nodded.  They took it out on the first available victim, me.  Of course it hurt but I understand fully when people  are frustrated & in pain they radiate obnoxious insults & criticism..  I simply walked away.  I literally walked out of the situation.  I have no idea what goes on in there life anymore than they know what goes on in mine.   The difference between us is what?  Is it just that they’re venomous & I’m not?.  They spoke about me having a perfect life.  They’re always alone whilst I never am..   Does my life read like it’s perfect?  Nah, I just make the best of what I have.  Sometimes it’s fucking hard but I get on with it.  I don’t think I’m in a position to judge anyone so I don’t.  They on the other hand took great pleasure in judging me.

Ten years ago I’d have fired into them.  I would have had a major strop & I wouldn’t have allowed them to talk to me in the way they did.  I was so shocked I could hardly breathe as I left.  I felt sad for them.  Sad that they’d reached such a point that all the toxic shit was fired in my direction.  It makes no difference that it should have been directed at the person who caused it which wasn’t me.  I stood outside wondering when I became such a reasonable, level headed grown-up.

Yesterday was however an oops day for them.  You say something to me I’ll believe you & I’ll remember always.  Spoken words can never be taken back.  They went to far yesterday.  I did warn them they were close to my line & they jumped on it anyway.  They have no chance of ever coming back from that.   I have a knack of not arguing with people when they really want a fight.  I’ve always been able to sense when someone wants me to lose it so they can justify there behaviour.    I never allow anyone the satisfaction of seeing me wound up or upset.  I keep my power by keeping my temper & mouth in check.  I’m so proud of the way I behaved yesterday.  I will miss them but I’ve got more than enough in my life to keep me busy (Ooo that was said in relation to me a very long time ago, funny how things come back around).

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