Drives me crazy

It’s 10pm & I’m in bed.  Fucking Friday night &the best I’ve got is going to bed LOL.  Nicky has been in a shitty mood all day.  I can’t be bothered with a thirteen year old who clearly knows more than I do.  I’m going to put some music in my ears & hopefully fall asleep. I seriously never imagined my life would become such hard work.  At least I’m still here.

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Endless possibilities

I am amazed by how quickly time passes.  This is my first day with a private blog.  What I’ll do with it I’ve no idea.  Before I know it 3 months will pass or maybe 6 months, who knows .  Will I ever open it again.  I honestly can’t answer that.

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It just is

Do you remember when you started visiting here Mr F.  It was way back in 2009.    I wonder if you ever just get fed up popping in.  Every sodding day your here.  Do you never think its a bit tragic because I do.  Let’s be done with this.  Even if its only for a while.  I’ll stop typing about my life & you stop reading.    In the game you were always better than me anyway.   I admit defeat.

You had already won by the time you found here.   You won the day you got married.   You walk away from people without a backward glance.  Why turn around & look for me, that’s crazy.    You didn’t care  remember.   For the next few months I’m leaving you with no choice.    You can’t  follow my life anymore.     This blog is going private.

Finally, sometimes we’re the only ones who know the best course of action for ourselves.  Your gone because that was the best course of action for you.  I didn’t like it but that was your choice.   This is mine . Dont be mad or huffy.  Just go & be happy with what you chose.  I hope you have a great birthday.

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The dreaded call

Any parent who has a challenging child will know only to well what the dreaded call is.  I pray whenever my mobile rings during school time.  I pay out loud please don’t be school & sometimes, I’m lucky lol.  Imagine my surprise when at 8.30am my mobile starts ringing.  I open it to see it’s the dreaded school.  In that brief moment I wonder if he arrived early & had created some drama.  I should have felt guilty when it was his principal teacher cancelling a meeting she had assured me last week we didn’t have.  I couldn’t have made it today anyway.  Can we reschedule for tomorrow?  Not a chance.  Tomorrow is the final day of term before the easter break.  I don’t really want a meeting with the educational psychologist.  I want some peace from school & the holidays are the time for it..  Actually given that he’ll be un-grounded I won’t have any peace haha.

A world full of colour

Grey is a colour.  Not everything is black & white.  Grey is allowed.  Big gulp, so is not liking your kids.  I love them all but sometimes I just don’t like them & I don’t have to.  It’s okay to not like someone you love.  I’m not sure my parents taught me that but boy, as a Mum, I so get it.  I’m trying to teach my kids that.  It’s important to understand that whilst I love them even when they’e being horrible, nasty or just down right shitty, I don’t need to like them.  Nothing will make me lie to my children.  Black & white isn’t a world I would choose to live in.  We need grey, I need grey.  I told my youngest I didn’t like him.  Not because I wanted to hurt him but because only he can decide whether he cares or not.  He needed to know I don’t like his crap behaviour.  Not everyone is going to like every one.  Nobody owes anyone an explanation.

Redimere

I went to bed last night at 8pm.  I’d had enough for one day.  Typically my mobile decided to start beeping.  Did you have a nice Mothers Day I was asked.  Um, I gave a short answer of not really haha.   I figured least said, soonest mended.  Then someone else asked & I just ignored them.  Why would you text a Mother to ask if she’d had a good Mothers Day.  Did they not read my Facebook???  Whatever, I tossed & turned last night feeling very hard done by.  I got up this morning with a smirk.  I hadn’t washed any school uniforms.  I had told them all I wasn’t doing it.  Someone had attempted it & failed miserably.  Shirts were missing.  Jumpers hadn’t been dried & trousers remained un-ironed.  O the embarrassment of it all for them.  Tumble drier was put on by one child who only dried what he needed.  The others he didn’t care about.  Is that how I’ve brought them up?  Is it okay to be a selfish git, thinking only about yourself?  No its not & I told him so.  Jack to be fair did buy me a scented candle out of a pound shop.  He tried I guess but since it’s his birthday in 3 weeks he did that to earn brownie points.  He knows it & so do I.

I was really hurt yesterday.  I went to bed in tears at the total lack of regard shown to me.  I cook for them, clean for them.  I open my purse whenever for however much & they couldn’t even buy me a card.  I’ve seen my children in a whole different light.  I may love each & every one of them but I’ve been left wondering.  How the hell did I manage to create such selfish, uncaring human beings??  They say give it out, get it back.  That’s so not true in my world.  I’m a genuinely nice person & to be treated with so little regard by the people I gave birth to stunned me.  Everyone thinks I’m great at forgiving & forgetting.  I’m not.  I forgive rarely & I forget nothing.   I can actually remember text word for word from over 10yrs ago.   If it was ever important to me I remember for always.  I won’t forget yesterday in a hurry & it’s a very long time until next year.  Redemption is not an option.