Divinely discontented

Mr F, don’t do that, the thing you did yesterday or rather didn’t.  I surprise myself when I worry about you haha.  In some ways we’re strangers but we’re not are we?  Your here & I check that your here.  I don’t have head space right now for playing games so just do your visits as normal.  I sometimes think maybe life is tough for you & then I shake myself & smile.  No matter what is going on in your life I expect you here.  I’m still like a petulant child but tbh if you’d found better you wouldn’t be here would you?  (O interesting thought).

I was talking to my big sister yesterday.  I am one of those people who when I’ve drank the contents of a bottle of wine I get overcome with the need to be honest.  Not totally honest because God, i’m a Scot & we don’t do total honesty but I came as close as I felt comfortable with.  I told her I need to find contentment.  That was my clever way of saying I’m discontented with my life.  This isn’t new but sometimes I feel suffocated by discontentment.  I’m bored with my life.  I just feel that theirs something missing.  I have everything I want \& yet the feeling lingers.  I juggle between feeling bored & lonely more often than I’d care to admit.

I’ve felt like this before in my life.  Usually some crisis hits & I don’t have time to be self indulgent.  I’m always in some kind of crisis now so I’m immune to them.  I found something to do that gave my life meaning & I continue to do it so what is it??   I’m tired of over thought cliques.  Appreciate what you’ve got (tick), Find something that feeds your soul (tick), see the good in everything & everyone (hard but tick).  Maybe I should just take comfort from the fact that discontentment comes before positive change.   Einstein once said ‘you cant solve a problem on the same level that you meet it’.  I can remember the words of Einstein like he spoke them to me & yet I can’t work out my own discontentment???  My mind is a crazy place haha..

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