Life review

When life throws those curve balls I tend to try & catch them.  That’s the way I deal with most stuff in my life.  Stopping the fucker in it’s tracks has worked pretty effectively so far.  Youngest being diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder is one curve ball I can’t catch.  It’s not my ball.  Mr Manager leaving work (SOB!!) is another I can’t catch.

I had hoped my youngest child was just a defiant little shit who was suffering from spoilt brat syndrome.  I’d prayed he’d grow out of it.  Being diagnosed with ASD & PDA floored me.  I’ve spent a week feeling numb until it dawned on me that he’s still who he was last week.  He’s cute, he’s funny.  He has me in his corner & I know, deep down, he’ll be okay.

Mr Manager leaves tomorrow, the pull of more money is too great (EVEN MORE SOBBING!!!!).  We stood upstairs today, shoulder to shoulder.  He told me how things should be continued in his absence.   As we stood together I told him the uncertainty everyone is feeling is normal.  There are millions of paths we take throughout our lives.  We can examine the potential consequences, we can weigh up the pro’s & cons but ultimately there are no guarantees.  I love the idea that uncertainty is inevitable in most situations & I take comfort from that.  We have the power to make our own decisions.  Whether they turn out to be good or bad isn’t always clear but I’d stamp my defiant feet for every one who makes a stand.

As I look at my youngest son I don’t just see the negatives.  I see a wonderfully compassionate, caring child who has a hard road to travel in life.  Mr Manager is a complex man who’s way smarter than he looks or acts.  He cares & yet to show it is a sign of weakness for him.  Life is full of complexities isn’t it.

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Yesterday would have been my Dad’s 79th birthday.  His death kind of means I don’t celebrate it.  I went to his grave today.  He’d been left some beautiful roses (my Uncle I guess).  I left him a McDonalds coffee because that was all I had 🙂  I stood & asked where are you when I need you.  I really believe he’d know what I should do.  I can’t ask him & his wife is a useless substitute (yep, that would be my Mother).  As I left the cemetery I felt this weird calmness.  I don’t remember the last time I felt calm.  I could almost hear my Dad saying that I’ve got this.  I’m not sure I do but I will.  I just need to do that hold on shit.  It hurts that one of my children is struggling in a way I can’t begin to imagine.  I’m Mum, I can’t make it better or go away.  What I can be is always, always beside him & that’s exactly what I intend to do.

Tidal wave

This is just a catch up post to say I’m still around.  I’ve no time for my usual stat obsession so big wave if you still visit.  You can adopt the smug, self satisfied look of my life is better than her life round about now.  I don’t know why you don’t just fuck off Ian & stop reading here.

My youngest son was finally diagnosed on Friday.  Nicky is on the autistic spectrum with a demand avoidance profile.  That’s jargon talk for life is fucking intolerable.  At the weekend his beloved iPhone was smashed by someone who should know better.  Youngest then smashed my sitting room tv, a bunch of Buddha’s, lamps & wrecked my bedroom drawers before crumbling in a heap sobbing he wants to kill himself.  I so wanted to tell him he’s killing me because slowly, that’s what’s happening.  Big sigh.  I’m always waiting for the next meltdown.  I don’t appease him so I’m his number one target again.  He gives me his defiant look & I smile.  I’m wondering how long it will be before I’m cowering away from his punches.  I feel so sorry for him but I’m frightened for myself.  Whether I like it or not my world is revolving around him right now.  His diagnosis isn’t just about him, its about my entire family.  It will affect us forever & that’s a scarey reality.

Love this..

just be

My silence is an indication of how tough life is right now.  I love the above idea.  I had a meeting with a bully of a man from our Education Authority on Monday.  I don’t need to type about it because his words are still ringing in my ears.  I sat pretending to be brave but honestly, I wanted to roll into a ball & sob.  The worst thing about it is knowing I’ll have to face Mr Bully again next week along with my 13yr old.  I’m holding onto the saying this too shall pass (need that tattooed somewhere).  I just wish it would hurry up & move on..

So to whoever

Thank you whoever visited from the United States today. I have lost people I cared about & I’m still here.  I take comfort from the saying you hit on.

  Mr F, I’ve seen your cover photo.  I guess your telling the world where your hearts at.  Part of me wants to be happy for you, but its a teeny part. You look like your meant for each other & I guess you are..  When I feel like I’m falling apart you seem like you have your shit together.  Why do you have your shit together & I don’t.  It’s so not fair lol.  I miss you Mr F, more than you’ll ever know. Perhaps I should look at your Facebook profile to remind myself your where you should be.