I feel like the only thing I’m hitting out right now is doom & gloom. I keep waiting for one of those rare upbeat feelings. Tbh, I kid myself on when I get happy on alcohol but it is a kid on. Life is just a long hard slog. I have flat line moments & utterly miserable moments. I heard a woman say to her husband today that I’m a really, nice, friendly woman. I wanted to run after her, ask if she would come home with me. My people need reminded that I’m a human being first, not just a Mum. I’m dragged around like a rag doll.
I’m going to post in private for a while. Doom & gloom is fine if it’s just a visit but I’ve moved in & that’s not good. I’ve become reactive to other people & emotions that aren’t mine. I know that’s wrong & yet I’ve been sucked in. I’m unable to shake the gloomy feeling so I’m not going to share it. I guess I should worry about how long it’ll take to leave. I guess the honest answer is somewhere between soon & never. If I pitched it at never I’d probably be closer to the truth. Typing just for me though was always what I intended this space to be so it’s no biggy.
Mr F, I never would have thought 10yrs ago you’d still be keeping up with my world. I gave up thinking you’d forget me. Why would you when I haven’t forgotten about you. I applaud your perseverance I really do. I used to wish you’d lift your head & wave but you never did. Your a silent visitor & that not cool but thats your choice which I have to respect. The scariest thing about distance is you never know if they’ll forget about you. Whatever your reasons for being here you never have. You have no idea how much that means to me. Someday, one day, I hope something good happens. I hope it’s so good I can’t resist typing about it here.
I sometimes think when I step out of my purple bubble the world is full of mad people. My sister yesterday got the shock of her life when expecting me to be at the other side of her front door got our Mother. I have to admit I was gobsmacked when I arrived to see my Mother sat on my chair. It felt incredibly awkward her being in my sisters space but she was. My ever critical Mother told my sister she buys too much food, her kitchen is a sorry state & she ought to hoover more. My big sister is almost 55yrs old. Lol, we laughed at our Mothers attempt to parent. Too little too late. Perhaps I should give her a chance but I won’t. I can & do however agree that my sister is a shopaholic. Kate used to have high standards for her home. Her high standards are long gone. If she would just stop buying stuff she could start to clear out the mountain of useless “stuff” that clutters her home. I really don’t get why someone would buy “stuff” just because.
It’s my sisters birthday soon. I didn’t do my usual over the top shop but rather gave her things I know she’ll use. I fitted her stuff into one medium sized gift bag & I’m going to continue down sizing gifts. I would rather gift to a charity on someones behalf than spend needless money on “stuff” they neither need or want. I should point out that if anyone ever tried that with me I’d cry haha. As we age our expectations of birthdays should change but I still wake up with a sense of excitement on my own birthday. It’s just with every passing year I feel like my disappointment is growing. I’m determined not to lose that excitement but it’s wasted on my own birthday. Thankfully it’s not my birthday it’s hers & I’m sure she’ll enjoy it.
It’s been a long day. As I head to bed I’ve been pondering. I’m so tired of secrets & lies I’m obviously perfect haha. I wouldn’t say I have secrets but perhaps my bad memory saves me. What happened to being honest. We seem to have lost the knack of just hitting out honesty. I am so sick of people giving half truths & no truth is even worse.. I just can’t be arsed tbh. I’m in a bad mood obviously. It just came from nowhere & I’ll just wait for it to change.
The best thing about going away is never coming home. I’m back to the reality of swearing teenagers & whats for dinner cries. My head is screaming fuck this shit whilst my heart is chuckling. They missed me!!! My Tv is blaring out GTA whatever & I’m already online. I would grow-up but I don’t see the point.
I should come home with more resolve than I do. I should aim at being more focused. I should become more of a kick ass parent. Perhaps if I was a stricter Mum I wouldn’t have such laid back teenagers. My brain just doesn’t want to give anyone any pressure. Me thinks my Dad will be looking down on me with his grumpy face on. He’ll be throwing me that look that says your fucking up kiddo. Ah well, shit happens to us all. I’m way to philosophical to care haha.
I’ve got to go home tomorrow. After a shaky start I had a fun time. It was amazing to not think about dinners. To much of my life is focussed on house shit & meal planning. I did miss my kiddos but they survived way better this tiime
My OH had friends here who thought I’m to bubbly & wacky for him. I know why they thought that. I am but we are who we are. He’s a great guy who could do so much better than me. He’s lazy though haha. I’m off before I’m missed. Goodnight.
Today’s weather has been horrible. It’s a bad day when home has better weather than where I am.
My day has been really chilled. I wish I could type chaos free but I can’t. My mother lost her mobile phone except she didn’t. She had left it in a bag she’d given my sister. Big sister had her own panic today when her power went off. My immediate reaction to that would never be phone my sister. I’m not even sure why she phoned me.
I should maybe tell people when I skip out of life but I don’t. I expect the world to keep spinning in my absence. Phonecalls from grown-ups who should deal with there own shit irritates the hell out of me. Apart from my colleagues & kids no one knows I’m not home.
My plan for tonight is a trashy Keanu Reeves film & copious amounts of alcohol. I’ve got a mega headache that I’m hoping will disappear as soon as I get drunk. Right now I’m listening to Shaun Mendez & if u have no idea who he is lucky you. Nighty night