Big waves

 I feel like the only thing I’m hitting out right now is doom & gloom.  I keep waiting for one of those rare upbeat feelings.  Tbh, I kid myself on when I get happy on alcohol but it is a kid on.  Life is just a long hard slog.  I have flat line moments & utterly miserable moments.  I heard a woman say to her husband today that I’m a really, nice, friendly woman.  I wanted to run after her, ask if she would come home with me.  My people need reminded that I’m a human being first, not just a Mum.  I’m dragged around like a rag doll.

I’m going to post in private for a while.  Doom & gloom is fine if it’s just a visit but I’ve moved in & that’s not good.  I’ve become reactive to other people & emotions that aren’t mine.  I know that’s wrong & yet I’ve been sucked in.  I’m unable to shake the gloomy feeling so I’m not going to share it.  I guess I should worry about how long it’ll take to leave.  I guess the honest answer is somewhere between soon & never.  If I pitched it at never I’d probably be closer to the truth.  Typing just for me though was always what I intended this space to be so it’s no biggy.

Mr F, I never would have thought 10yrs ago you’d still be keeping up with my world.  I gave up thinking you’d forget me.  Why would you when I haven’t forgotten about you.  I applaud your perseverance I really do.  I used to wish you’d lift your head & wave but you never did.  Your a silent visitor & that not cool but thats your choice which I have to respect.  The scariest thing about distance is you never know if they’ll forget about you.  Whatever your reasons for being here you never have.   You have no idea how much that means to me.  Someday, one day, I hope something good happens.  I hope it’s so good I can’t resist typing about it here.


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